What even is a title?

Have you ever cried so hard you couldn't catch your breath? It made you make those gasping noises and your head starts to hurt? I'm experiencing that right now. I'm wearing my dads jacket and it still after 11 months of him being gone, it smells like him. People no matter how well they think they knew my dads and mine relationship, they will never know the bond we shared. He was my father, and I was his daughter. And that, was enough. He loved me through every mistake I ever made, he was the one that although I got annoyed with was the one I always went to. He was the one that since the day I was born, protected me from my mom. No matter how I act, no matter how I feel or no matter the words I speak, loosing my father has been the hardest thing in my life. And as the one year mark comes, I have absolutely NO idea how I'm EVER going to accept this. Not even the tears running down my face at this moment will prove how much I love and miss him.

Country

I'm pretty positive 80% of the people i know, know that i LOVE anything country related. Country music, cowboy hats, dirt roads- legit everything. It started when i was really young, and my mom and i had a really good relationship. I used to want to be just like her- like every little girl. Which meant country music was my favorite, because it was hers. Just like my favorite colors were purple, pink and blue- because they were hers. So country was something that came to me naturally and luckily, i fell in love with it. Then, as i got older, i started getting interested in other types of music that were more popular. Surely, i'm no fan of old day country. I don't listen to artist such as George Strait, or Garth Brooks, i don't like that kind of country. SO many good songs- about real things. Not about drugs, alcohol, and sex, about real life stuff. People don't give country a chance. They listen to one song and hate it. When really, all country. I like Luke Bryant, Billy Currington, Carrie Underwood, Miranda Lambert, Rascal Flatts and singers like that. So lately, i haven't really listened to Christian music in a while, and i'm not always in the mood for Nicki Minaj, or Usher but country, is something that always puts me in a good mood.

It all started with Shania Twain. Growing up, she was my FAVORITE singer. I heard her once, and was hooked. My favorite song by her was, Any man of mine. I think i just loved the beat, the lyrics made no difference. The song just made me happy, and the other day i couldn't think of any songs to listen to so i listened to it and it just put me in a good mood. I remember the first time i ever drove a car by myself. I wasn't supposed to, but my grandparents live in the middle of no where and they trust me lol. It was last summer. I asked to go to the wetlands, which is the name my grandpa gave the property down the street from him. It's by far the most beautiful place i've ever been. It's complete nature. It's something that i can't even describe. So when i asked him, he gave me the keys and said to pick him up a 2 liter of Coke on the way back from the party store. I remember standing there confused but walked out and drive away. It was scary at first because i don't have my license and i was terrified what would happen. Then i put on 99.5 (country) and put the windows down in there jeep grand Cherokee and was rolling down the dirt road listening to Shania Twain with my hair blowing in the wind. It was the best feeling in the world. I was in the middle of nowhere, on a dirt road, country music up loud on a hot summer day. Hand's down best feeling in the world. Shania Twain was my favorite singer for a really long time, and then she drifted away once she had her son. She got started back up, but her husband at the time cheated on her with her bestfriend, and they split up. She was gone for a really long, until about 2 years ago. She tried making a comeback with her tv show, Why not, with Shania Twain. It showed how things had been going in her life, and how her ex husband married her best friend, and her ex best friends husband was now her husband..... very weird to say in the least.

When i was in 3rd grade, i remeber doing a project on her. We were learning about biographies and had to pick a book and do a report on it. I chose her because she was my favorite singer at the time. The thing i found most interesting about Shania Twain, was that she had no parents. They both died in a car accident when she was young forcing her to raise her younger siblings. She came from nothing, to having an amazing career. It's weird that i'm remembering all this stuff from 3rd grade, but it's cool. She survived and made something great out of her life.  Something i find even more interesting, was she was born in Canada and now for the past 11 years or so has resided in Switzerland. I think it's cool because i'm very much Swiss, it's one of the main things i am. My grandpa says i'm about 35% which is higher than most of what i am. I find out a while ago i was Serbian too- and i know absolutely nothing about that culture hahaha.

The last song Shania Twain published was around when she still had the tv show going. The song's called, "Today is Your Day" It's a song about how today is going to be a great day, even if life's been kicking you around. I 've always loved this song but forgot about it for a while. Its one of the alarms i wake up too.

I love the country because it's SO beautiful. I've always known that i wanted to live in the country somehow. When i was little- it was Tennessee that i wanted to live in. Now, i'm not sure as long as its on a dirt road with wide open spaces. Lately on the days i have off of work, my friend Sarah and i would jog a for a while. We learned that we needed to do something with out anger and emotions. We both are the same where we have a hard time opening up and accepting so we've realized that we have so much in us that we often take it out on eachother. So, we started taking jogs. I would text her or she would text me and we would go. At first we were just running around her sub, but it got boring, so one day we ran down the dirt road by my house. We jogged a mile and then went home. Yesterday, ( Friday) i had a Field trip, and we got out super early and were excused for the rest of the day so sense i drive there with my friend Katie, she just took me home. I was having a really bad day once i got home. I layed down and slept for like an hour and woke up really angry so i threw on comfortable clothes and just started jogging. I didn't realize how far away from home i was  until i reached streets i wasn't familiar with. I ran about 2 miles away from my house and then back. I was just screaming on the inside and being outside in the country made me feel calm. I stopped on the various occasion to take a picture here and there and it just sorta amazed me at how beautiful it was. I'm not sure what was in me, but i've never felt so just loose and calm afterwards. It's really nice to live by the country(:

This weekend is the first one i haven't taken off and i haven't had to work sense i started my job and there are so many things i can do. After today, i feel really relaxed and can't wait for the week to come(:

Just some thoughts.

I've been so ridiculously busy that i haven't posted a blog in almost a month. I've started some, but never found time to finish them so i'm going to be doing some cutting and pasting. Most of the things i am writing are old.

For mid-winter break, i went to my grandma Rosemarys house in Marine City. It's the first time I've stayed the night there sense my grandpa was alive, so about 8 years. My grandma Rosemary is my dad's step-mom.  Her and my grandpa Jack got married when my dad was in his teenage years. My grandpa died of lung cancer a long time ago, so she's been there on her own for a long time. She told me around how lonely it gets and even more so now when my dad isn't coming to visit her. I felt the need to go see her so we made the plans and i left the Thursday night after school. I stayed there until Sunday evening and it was one of those much needed times off. I had been so busy i hadn't taken a break to actually relax... i wasn't too sure how to relax it seemed like. While i was there i was sorta restless at first. My grandma isn't like my other grandparents- who are up at the crack of dawn.... she sleeps in, which i wasn't used too. She slept in until about 10:30 while i was up around 8. Leaving me confused on what to do. It kinda became my routine to walk to the gas station around the corner of her house and pick up a newspaper. I'm used to reading one every morning at home, so i figured- why not. Something i learned about Marine City, is that it's a really cute town and i have a lot of memories there. It's so small but you know so many people. I even knew a hand full of people in town. There's a beach not too far from my grandma's house that i walked to on Sunday morning, it brought back memories of when my dad would take my sisters and i there to fish. It was a nice little walk down memory lane. I got to visit some family that i haven't seen in years, and i got to meet my grandmas group of friends. We even went to my dad and grandmas cemetery. It was a really nice and needed break from my crazy life and i'm planning on going out there a lot more, and hopefully soon! I do have to say that the absolute best part of the time i spent there, was when she watched "Spice World" with me. Hahahah, it was funny to watch her reaction to the spice girls.

When i returned home i found a letter lying on my bed... from my mom. It was very confusing to me at first. I wasn't really sure if i wanted to open it or not. After much discussing with people, i had my uncle read it and give me the all clear. It was a letter of apologies from my mom, one that i wasn't to sure how to react with. I kinda let it go that night and then a few days letter, like i predicted, i grew angry with myself for not having the desire to write back. I felt like a bad person, and got even more confused than i was before. I made myself stop. Every time that i make a decision with my mom, i always feel happy with it and then a few days later start to wonder if i made the right decision. When really, i need to let it go. I'm not replying to my mom. I'm in a good place, i'm fragile and i need to focus on getting through this school year before i decide to have a relationship with my mom. Maybe i am making the wrong choice, maybe what i'm doing is selfish.... but i'm okay with that. I don't mean that in a rude way at all, i mean that in the perspective that right now as i type, i feel good. Not sad, not angry or stupid. I feel okay, like things are starting to work out. I'm 17. I don't know much, but i do know that the place I've been in for a while, is a good one and i want it to stay like this for a while.

Lately, it seems like me and my friends have been getting into these deep conversations, and while it's really cool to find people to go that deep with, it's also very scary because you learn so much about yourself. Thursday a bunch of my friends and i left school around 9:40 after our testing and went to Yvonnes house. The thing i love about my friends is that we act like family. When we're together not a worry in the world seems to come. It's really nice. We started talking about the tests and how we did and then Yvonne brought up her dad.  About a year ago, her dad left her family to go to California. He hasn't come back to visit sense. Yvonne and i have one thing in common out of all of my friends, we're definitely daddy's girls. I remember going to her house before she left for Mexico last summer and her crying and just being devastated because her dad didn't call her. Something they used to do was play video games. Yvonne barely ever plays them anymore because she gets sad. Her dad doesn't call her, or anything. He left, leaving her mom to support three growing girls. One in elementary, one in middle and one in high school  Her middle sister Vanessa texted her dad letting him know that Yvonne's tests were that week.... he texted her to wish her good luck. It was the first time he's heard from him in months. He didn't even call her for Christmas. Her mom and dad aren't divorced. Her mom has filed for it, but her father won't sign it. They're loosing their house. Yvonne's little sisters Yvette and Vanessa don't know this. Yvonne's 16. She has all this burden and she can't do anything about it. Because her dad decided that he didn't care anymore. We started getting in the irritated mood, because everyone's so mad at her dad. And then it got to the point where we were all dying of laughter because of Yvonnes dogs teeth. They're pretty gross, lol. At the end of laughing Yvonne just started talking. Just rumbling and nobody was really paying attention, still laughing at the dog. Then she said, "guys" and she just went into this speech, that made not only my own heart sink, but everyone in that room.  She said something along the lines of; "In the past year, my dad's left, my grandpa had a brain aneurysm, and died paralyzed, my boyfriend can't walk on his leg for two years, we're loosing my house, and i lost people who i thought were my best friends."  Then she said Brendle, "you're mom walked out on you, your dad and grandma died,  you have horrible anxiety that sometimes controls your life, you lost some friends, and your depression has gotten unbelievably scary."  Then "Sarah, every morning you check on your baby sister to make sure she's still breathing, you're mom doesn't treat you as well as she should, you had some up and down's with Nathan, you lost some of your best friends" The she said things about Sandra and Bree.... then she said "But we're missing the whole picture here. Look at each other. We've never left eachother, and we're so much closer than we have ever been. We're a family. A family full pain, struggle, heartbreak, screaming matches and tears... but we've gone through it together." Then she said, "This past year though, i learned how strong my mother was, i wiped away my sisters tears and created the most unbreakable bonds with them, i've gone through hell with Dwaynes foot, but he's alive and okay. My art work was entered into the Michigan art fair, i've learned so much about myself and i've learned that you guys are the best friends i've ever had." (By now we were all in tears and then she continued talking, "Brendle, you lost some of your greatest supporters, but you gained new ones. You have us, Ian, the Robinsons, Mrs. Youngs and even your aunt, i know that you don't like your aunt sometimes, but she took you in and she didn't have to do that, she loves you. You learned who your true friends were, you finally learned how to stand up for yourself, and you'd opened up to Sarah and i more than you ever have."  By this time i personally was balling. "Sarah, you know that everyday you spend with your sister is a blessing, you've let yourself open up to Nathan, you've made some really good decisions with your life, and the bad ones, you've learned from them, you've let down your guard and you're not even afraid to wear your hair up in a pony tail."  She talked about Sandra and Bree for a few more minutes and then looked at us and said, "what more do we need? We have eachother, our boyfriends, and a family; even though there's people missing it's still a family and we need to stop looking past that. If anything, we have eachother." We all just looked around crying for about 5 minutes. And it was dead silent.

That's the reason why i love my friends. Because they make me realize all i have when it seems like i have barely anything left.

Do you know the first 15 seconds of peace when you wake up, you know the one where you take a deep breath, and exhale... and it seems like nothing could possibly go wrong in those seconds? And then within seconds the many tasks, challenges and dutys for that day start overwhelming your head? That's my absolute favorite part of the day. It's the only part where something negative isn't on my mind. That's what hit me so hardly about Yvonnes speech. She started off with all the bad stuff, and continued with all the good things about us. She made us a little over whelmed at first when she was listing off all the bad and then made us just happy because through all the bad stuff we have so many more good things about us. I don't ever think about that, i am constantly dealing with all the bad stuff, and it seems like negativity is taking over my life. That's whats on my mind 24/7. I'm not to sure why, but i really like her idea of getting rid of it. So later that night when i was at home i texted her about it, and then she mentioned my happiness project.... the one i've been putting off. I completed it for January and most of February but got lost in a bunch of stuff. She told me that she knew it was helping because i would always tell her what i was putting in it. So she wants to make one. So that's whats going to be happening this week.

That's where i left off about 2 weeks ago.

Tonight (Tuesday) Yvonne came over after school. Just her, which is rare to spend time just the two of us. It was really nice. We never see each other anymore. We sat in my kitchen doing homework for almost 4 hours just talking, catching up and talking about the future. The future..... which is closer than i ever thought possible. I've been really considering where i wanted to go to college. Do i really want to be a 4 hour drive away from home, at a private Christian University when i'm not sure what my beliefs are? One that costs A LOT more money than the Universities near home? I'm not sure. I've been looking into Oakland University a lot more, and also Spring Arbor. Both relatively close and offer both majors i'm interested in. The tuition costs are also a great amount less. Yvonne has also been interested in Oakland. We were talking about how cool it would be to be roommates. The thought of actually being in college is still really scary. I'm in no way ready to go out into the big world without the guidance of the people i have now.

Tonight when she was over, we had another talk about her dad and my mom. She asked me if i missed my mom. My response was i can't even think about it because it hurts so much.

People don't get it, even if they try. I miss my mom SO much. Even though she hurt me. It's a physical ache in my heart and i know that sounds weird but it's the only way i can describe it. I want so much to be able to have her in my life, but it won't work out that way. It sucks how things fall together sometimes, life really has a way of getting to you.

I guess the only thing i can do is do my best to stay above the water. I just want it to be summer. Fishing 24/7, sun, tanning, and non stop sleepovers with my best friends. THAT'S what i'm looking forward too.