The Asia Project.

A few weeks ago, i was sitting in my 6th hour with my friends and we were doing a write about our "personal buckets". The buckets we were writing about were buckets of despair, pain and hurt in several different aspects of our lives. Similar to my identity book, Mrs. Reifert wanted us to dig deep into our life. She wanted us to go farther than we've ever gone before. We wrote two versions of our 'bucket'. The first one she let us write it any way we wanted, and the second she made us re-write the story with the prompt of; something magical happened to your bucket, craft a story with an inspirational and positive ending.

My first bucket was very dark, and it was a great challenge for me to re-write the story. Sitting at our table are my friends John, Addy, Ashley and I. Addy, was the only senior and when Mrs. Reifert gave us the prompt, Addy asked if she could play a song to the class. She thought it fit right in with our writing. And it did.

The Asia Project is a young man who writes poetry and performs them to thousands of people. His journey started when he was diagnosed with cancer at a very young age. He made a promise with God, that if he made it through the cancer he would live each day like he was dying.

He survived.

And now he's living up to his promise. Poetry slamming is when a person reads poetry in form of a song, but talking not singing. It's very relaxing and makes your mind focus. Especially his poetry. He has so many amazing pieces, all that have a moral lesson.  And even his most in-appropriate one, is one of my favorite ones because of the message.

After listening to his first one in class, i became hooked. And now, when I'm stressed, i listen to him close my eyes and try to take in all he has to offer.

I was driving in the car, must have been a few weeks ago with Ian and i had my phone hooked up to his radio.  We were actually listening to take me to the river by Desperation, on repeat but one of us hit the next button and Sunscreen by Asia came on, i didn't think much of it and went to go switch it because i didn't think he'd want to listen to it but he stopped me.

He was very familiar with the Asia Project, and so we continued to listen to him while my face beamed. I was just really happy.

Ian introduced me to some of his oldest poems, the darkest ones, and of course the funniest ones.

Because of Asia, i was able to craft my second bucket story. It's one of my favorite pieces of writings from my Creative Writing class and i even got a 25/20 on it! (:

So... here it is;

She’s afraid. She’s hurt. She’s mad. She’s sad. She’s so consumed in the negative that even on the warmest day of the year she’s doesn’t feel the slightest ounce of sunlight touch her skin. Stuck inside herself so far that her inner voice in incapable of speaking up. They tell her she’ll be okay, but she doesn’t believe them. The scars are hidden from the outside world. Not one person knows about them. When she see’s them she knows that she’ll never amount to anything. She’s no better than her sisters and her mother. They tell her to suck it up and stand up tall when the truth is; she wants none of this, none of it at all. A smile so permanently plastered on her face, a ‘happy girl’ they would so easily mistake. Buried so deep with so many surrounding padlocks, the idea of revealing her true self was something thought impossible. She feels so alone, the constant reminders surrounding her that she really is. The two people she truly ever felt like cared for her; are buried ten feet under. The life that was once manageable turned too hard to manage. She’s not wanted, and the constant getting yelled at and lectures remind her that. She doesn’t do anything right, absolutely nothing. She’s on her knees screaming to God to take her away, let her life just seem to fade away. The tears running down her face wiping away the mascara she had so carefully applied. The burning sensation in her lungs from hyperventilating make it pure torture when she yelps out that she cant do it anymore. She’s done, she quits. Head pounding, heart beating too fast, face beat red. She manages to scream out, “God help me” as the razor blade makes one last slice across her arm. She drops it on the ground. Her heart starts to slow down, face start to return to a normal shade, and her crying becomes less and less. A sudden rush of peace overcomes her body. As if Gods hand is truly reaching down and touching her shoulder, she shivers. An unfathomable strength overtakes her body. She’s lifted to her feet, standing tall. She then knows that she’s not alone. She has a purpose, and she needs to find it. Life will come to that breaking point, but she’ll be okay because she may not have her father, mother or grandma- but she does have an amazing God that will try to protect her from most storms. He put her here for a reason. She whispers a prayer. She gets rid of the blade, she doesn’t need it. She goes outside to look at how beautiful everything is. A dysfunctional girl, in a mad, crazy world….and yet everything, will be just okay.


Below, I'm posting some of Asia Projects work.  I highly recommend at least watching the first two. Take them in. Actually listen.  Get rid of all the distractions around you. His poetry is beautiful and will give you a sense of peace.

The first one i am posting is called sunscreen. It's one of my favorite pieces he has.

The second one, is one of the saddest ones, but it gives you hope.

This last and final one, is one that I'm going to post, is probably the funniest one, well at least in the beginning. It's one of my favorite messages. 

Won't back down.

It's currently 1:30 am, technically Saturday morning. My heart is heavy, my eyes are damp and my minds spinning a thousand miles per hour.

It's been an emotional couple of hours. And honestly, it came out of no where.

Today, at work i ran into some problems. One of which was getting burnt. We were having a rush, and they needed my help on fryers and i ran back there without thinking of putting on gloves. I didn't directly touch food, i took paper bags of fries and onion rings, put them into baskets and then grabbed them by the greasy handle and put them in oil that was at least 360 degrees. Because i wasn't wearing gloves, one basket was really slippery and some how twisted in my hand and ended up on my arm. Leaving a 3 inch burn. At first i was like oh it's no big deal, but then after my employees said to take of the pickles they made sure i put on right away, i saw how gross it actually was. That's when the initial shock hit me and i flipped out. It wasn't until then i realized that it hurt- very badly. I got off my shift walking with pickles and then burn cream that didn't seem to take away the pain. After many attempted phone calls to my cousins, i gave up and tried a family friend. Who ended up helping me and then hearing from the twins, i decided to stop by meijers before i went home to purchase an aloe plant. Which did amazinggggg things when i got home!  Needless to say, my arm feels better, but the nasty blisters and scars it's leaving is actually really gross!

My emotional night first started when the burn came. To be honest, when it first happened the only thing going through my head was how i needed to call my dad and tell him. He would've first of all been very worried about me, but would've had a kick out of observing it. Then my smile went away, it hit me i couldn't.  I haven't shared this with anyone since it happened, because it scared me too much. This, has never happened.  It just made me feel really sad. Knowing that many of these memories would not be shared with him.

In meijers, when i went to get my aloe plant, i had my headphones in like normal, because i think it's one of the most awkward things running into people you know while shopping, especially when you're in your burger king uniform! So i always put my headphones in!  I was first of all in the plant and flower section trying to find an aloe plant and i noticed the flower smell. I haven't really mentioned it to anyone besides two people, but the smell of fresh flowers doesn't make me feel well, at all. It brings me back to my dads funeral. All of the fresh beautiful flowers sprawled around the room from various people. It makes me think of the funeral arrangements. And how i was happy to pick out the flowers for his "flower bed"  i picked red white and blue because red and blue was his favorite color, and he was very proud to have served in the United States Army. I knew he would've liked it very much. Also while in there,I had Pandora on, and had the Carrie Underwood Station on, which was a mistake. The song; How Great thou Art came on as the duet of her and Vince Gill.  This was one of the songs at my fathers funeral. Both occurrences, just made me get distracted.

When i got home, i quickly applied the aloe which made me feel much better, than my aunt kept suggesting i watched the movie she got in from Netflix called Won't Back Down, so i went upstairs and watched it. That also, was a bad mistake. Although i have to say, it's hands down one of my favorite movies, it was really emotional. And not the movie in general, just the story too it and all the comparisons of my own life going along with the movie.

As I'm writing this, i don't understand why I'm getting so emotional. I keep leaning my head back on the chair I'm sitting on and just close my eyes and focus on the music in my ears. But i need to write, because on nights like tonight the best thing for me to do is write. I just don't know how to craft the way I'm feeling because people don't get it. They can try, but they wont truly understand it.

I do though, recommend the movie. Especially to teachers. The movie was about a mother who had a daughter with Dyslexia, and she was already working two jobs to support them. She got kicked out of her previous public school because they couldn't pay tuition forcing her to go to some dead beat school, with a teacher who didn't care about teaching as much as the paycheck. So one teacher and the mother start a movement of tons of people trying to make a change, and to overturn the school. But they need to get a certain amount of teachers and parents involved and agreeing. They do, and they get there school, a place where there is "No waiting" to fix anything.

It was a really touching movie and made me reflect on my life on all the times I've been told to wait.  And how many times I've been told to ignore stuff. Especially this year.

I've been really quiet about what goes on because of school, because i never thought that it would matter if i spoke up or not. And then when i did open up, from almost everyone i opened up to, i was told to 'ignore it' 'just wait and it'll be fine'. Those words are pure lies.

The past 365 days, I've been bullied more than i have my entire life. From people i was once sorta friends with, that used things against me i couldn't control. That used my dad being dead against me, and my mom leaving against me also. Like every teenager, i fought back because i didn't know any better. Never going to the level they took it, but because as rude as i could. It just became bigger and bigger and it seemed as it would never go away. But it didn't come out of my mouth once to my family, or anyone i trusted other than my friends. Because they were involved in it too. They were told by the same people to go kill themselves. Which later i found really funny when that same person showed up to an anti-suicide walk, starting more drama. The school year was horrible first semester.It never ended, and we started getting nasty text messages saying that my best friend Sarah and i were "pieces of scum on this earth that no one should care about"  Then the truth came out. We (Sarah) and i had been called down to the deputy's office at our school being accused of being "bully's" to this group of 3 students. We literally laughed in his face. We told him everything from the beginning to the end, and he told us to go back to class. He said he'd take care of it. But that wasn't true. It started back up again, and every time we tried to get someone other than a teacher involved, they shot us down saying  "ignore it"  "just wait it through"  I, along with Sarah have come to literally hate those words.  It took 6 months, SIX MONTHS. For my school to finally do something. After talk and talk and talk with various people. All in all, we have talked to 9 people in our school about what was going on. That is too many, and far too long.

The first time we reported what happened, it should've been handled differently.

The movie made me relate because they were fighting for something they needed in their school, and they were fighting to make a difference. Sure, they got turned down and ran into some obstacles, but they never gave up. They didn't just wait around anymore, they took action. Even when they had their own doubts about how well this would work out.

Bullying took me to the edge. I couldn't handle it anymore. And there was so much stuff going on at home and work that i couldn't see anything straight.

But I'm not the only one. I know that. What if some one's getting bullied and it takes them over the edge?  It DOES happen. Jacob Schroeder for example. A thirteen year old who took his own life because of bullying. Who literally lived down the street from me. The freshman across my street, who 2 years ago tried hanging himself only to find his little sister found him when she walked in from FIRST GRADE.  Those are two, just two. And those two even make me feel sick to my stomach.

People don't get it. Especially older people. Who grew up with the saying; "sticks and stones may break your bones but words will never hurt you". That's not true. Because words hurt. According to Jacob, words hurt as much as a bullet going through his head. And Braden, well his words hurt as much as a rope strangling him around his neck. That's the reality of it people. Words HURT.

People say bullying is a phase, but that's not true. What about abusive husbands? That's a bully also. Just like my cousins husband. He's a bully. Frankly, i don't ever care if he sees this. What he does to my cousin sickens me, but knowing she is incapable of sticking up for herself sickens me even more.

Bullying is something that needs to be changed.

Suicide is the third leading cause of death. I truly wonder how many of those are caused from bullying.

I am aware of two actual suicides. My aunts, and Jacobs. Both, from bullying. My aunt Susans was from her husband and Jacob from his classmates.

As I'm typing this, I'm listening to the song "Fix You" by coldplay. The song is a perfect song put on repeat for this blog.

If I've learned anything in 17 years here, change is hard. And there will be points where you don't want to try anymore because there will be too many set backs.

Bullying is something that goes unseen, and i want to do everything possible to make it visible.

"Be the change you wish to see in the world."  Gandhi

I am who i am

I am.


I am a 17 year old girl, who has huge dreams but is worried she won't be able to make them come true.

I am, my grandmas "brown eyed- brown haired" grand-daughter.

I am my daddy's little girl.

I am a believer, who has trust issues.

I am a person who gets tired of holding on

I am a person who takes on the world

I am a person who lets the littlest things get to me.

I am a person, that struggles with opening up, because it hurts too much.

I am person who has been hurt so much that i have a permanent guard up.

I am a person who turns to my blog, and writing in general when things get tough,

I am a person who struggles with average things.

I am a person with some of the worlds most amazing friends

I am a person who loves the word awkward, because that's exactly what i am (:

I am a person who likes adventures and could spend hours upon hours in the woods in my backyard.

I am a person who holds a lot of anger.

I am a person who finds myself getting into very deep thought.

I am shy, quiet, and scared of soooo many things.

I am a junior, and soon to be senior, and that's scary!!

I am a person who doesn't really like traditional things

I am a person who loves, loves, loves school projects.

I am a person who truly believes laughter is the best type of medication.

I am Elizabeth Rosemarie Hoffmanner Brendle ( nobody calls me that at all though)

I am a student

I am a God mother

I am a friend

I am a Christian

I am a 'King Venture' employee

I am different

I am me, and I'm okay with that

(:

If only

If only.    If only, i had an easier living situation, i may be more open.    If only i wasn't the kind of person who is afraid of my own shadow, i wouldn't be living in fear.   If only i wasn't the kind of person who has so many things to deal with, i wouldn't feel so sad all the time. If only........   If only.......   If only.......


Right now, today, Tuesday, I'm in the worst state of mind I've been in, in months. I'm not going to say much about it, other than i cannot handle this anymore. I can't handle a lot of things.   I'm barely handling school on top of work and my home life.


I give up. I can only handle so much. I'm going to be a quitter. I'm okay with that.


I'm calling quits.


Today, my head is numb. I don't feel anything. Perhaps it's from the tear stained pillows of mine last night. Or maybe from the yawns that wont stop. Or my recollection of my many thoughts last night.

Things will never change, no matter how hard i try, they wont. If only.......

Mother's Day 2013

I feel like a broken record. I feel like my words will never express how much I'm hurt. I feel like no matter how many people I confide in, they'll never truly understand. I feel like I'm not good enough, I wasn't for her. 

I dread Mother's Day. I dread it. I dread the fact that although Father's Day is hard- my dad didn't chose to leave. My mom did. It was her choice an she chose against having a family, having a daughter, having me. 

Today, I feel bitter. Have you ever felt so worthless that even the person who was supposed to love you the most didn't want you? The person that held you in her womb for months, the one who was supposed to be there for you always. He left. 

Whomever is reading this, look at your own relationships with your mother. Imagine if she just left you. You would be lost. How can someone that is supposed to love me so much leave?  I don't understand it, and I'm hurt. 

Where i'm from

I uploaded this onto my other blog as well (elizabethrosemarie.blogspot.com) but here is a poem i currently wrote for my creative writing class.  It's called where i'm from.

Where I come from,

Smiles were rare, laughs were seldom

And love was a word unknown

I’m from punches and handfuls of hair,

From bruises, pain and tears.

From loneliness and self-hatred.

Where I come from,

Promises never went unbroken,

Broken relationships were a trend,

I’m from un-truthful wedding vows,

And my mother taking one too many pills

Where I come from,

Depression came easy,

Religion was frowned upon,

Hope was hard to find

And alcohol was always present.

Where I come from, fishing twelve hours a day, was normal

The stories from my father came daily,

And a bond between father and daughter was created

Where I’m going,

Is not anywhere close to where I’m from.

Where I’m going… is far

I’m going towards my hopes and dreams.

Going farther than anyone in my family before-

Where I’m going is towards success and happiness

Where I’m going, is to make a difference.

Where ever i may go

Not giving it much thought, I've decided to start a second blog. I am still going to post on here, but the new one is specifically for pieces of writings I've done. Some of my pieces I'm really proud of- so why not share them?  In the past few months, my blog has been getting so many views that I'm still amazed. I'm getting views from all over the world. My post overview shows that  besides the United States, the United Kingdom and Germany are my second top viewers. Watching my views go higher and higher just puts a smile on my face. I think it's awesome.   My new blog is under 'construction'. I'm currently digging up old stories that I've written. The url for that one is very similar to this one; elizabethrosemarie.blogspot.com  I'm really excited for this new blog because it's giving me the opportunity to share things i wouldn't normally post.  This blog, is completely personal. The blog i just started will be various journal entries, poems, creative writing assignments, and past writings that i will share. They will be deep, dark, bright, happy and in general awesome. It's open now, but i only have one story posted! Hopefully this blog goes as well as this one!(: