Freedom- at last.

Its so odd, how things can just pop up in your head and totally distract you. I've been doing geometry homework all morning, trying to get it done before it's due tomorrow at Crusader day, when all of a sudden out of now where my mom popped up in my mind. I haven't  thought about her in a while and it was just odd. I was thinking about a few years ago when she was attending a college in Kalamazoo and when my dad and i went and picked her up to bring her home, because she was having kidney or liver failure, i don't remember what it was. But that day when we went to pick her up- i was happy. I was happy to know that my mom felt happy, i was proud to say that she was actually going to college to try to achieve her dreams, I was ecstatic that she had quit smoking, i was happy to know that my mom did exist. Those days are going to be what i try to remember about her, because those are the only good time's i really had with her. I have to admit- i miss her. I miss in odd ways. I miss her in the fact that i would talk to her on the phone for hours some nights and she just listened and never repeated most of it. I miss her how when she ever got extra money she would try to buy me new things for school or just cause she thought i would like it. I miss how i used to go to work with her and watch her take care of an old elderly person wishing that she would care for me like that. I miss how most of the time if i needed to go someplace she would let my dad take me. I miss her. I never thought after all of this, that i would. It's hard to miss someone after all the crazy crap she has done. Even though we will no longer have a relationship i am going to continue praying for her.  Praying for her to get well- and realize hopefully that she misses me too. Maybe this whole custody thing isn't  so bad; she's gonna realize whether or not she really loves me; whether it was me or her, who screwed up. Hopefully through all of this she realizes that she was the one who screwed up when she told me she hated me or wished i was never born. Hopefully she is the one who gets her life back on track before i graduate; so i can consider inviting her to my graduation. What ever happens happens. Life's to short to worry about the what ifs because if we consume ourselves with the what ifs and if i only had that or did that; than we aren't going to appreciate what He gave us. So from now on, I'm going to keep my head up and smile, I'm not going to cry or feel hurt or mad at her. I'm going to write it out; like i used to. To me, my freedom is in poetry, I've lost that this summer. I haven't written one poem, i haven't even thought about it unfortunately. But when school starts I'm going to start writing again... because that's where i find my true happiness. When i write i feel like no matter who's reading it doesn't matter whether they like it or not, because it's just words. But when i read it- i feel like i can express how i truly see life. How i feel when things get rough. What i see when the world is at war. Simple things that i write make me feel accomplished. So i am going to go finish this homework and start writing poetry, and i will upload my poems once they are finished (:  So  if any one's really reading this pray for me, pray that i find strength in this freedom to do good.

The best day I've had in months.

Yesterday, was a really rough day, it was the custody hearing. It determined who i would spend the next three years with. I had already made my mind up to live with my dad, i had written a letter, submitted it to the referee and i had told Sue (my moms new guardian) my wishes. I am so blessed. because God was with me 100% because i was not very worried. I was open to let God handle the situation. Since i was the child being discussed, i wasn't allowed into the room, so instead i went to walk around down town port Huron. I found a bench along the canal and prayed like there was no tomorrow. Praying for my dad to have the strength to speak up for himself and for the lady to make a decision, one that i would accept. After about twenty minuets, i decided to head back. On my walk back i felt like something good was going to come out of the day so i walked a little faster and waited for the walk sign to come on with less patience. When i got there they were still in the room so i waited in the hallway for about 3 minuets praying and when they all came out, i looked at my dad and gave him a thumbs up, thumbs halfway and thumbs down..... he returned with a thumbs up. My dad had 100% custody of me, with no visitation rights with my mom unless i chose too. I was so extremely happy, i no longer had to deal with my mom. I no longer had to put up with her crushing my heart with all the bull crap she put me through. I was free, free of a mom who was barely ever there.  I was free of someone who only pretended to love me, and that day spending time with friends and family after,i was in the best mood I've been in for a longggggg time! I smiled at everything because i was so happy. As i thought about the option to see her i have mad a decision. I want to wait- wait until Christmas time, to give her an opportunity to go through life without her own flesh and blood. With out the person she told her secretes to without her daughter. Around Christmas time if i feel like i want too- i will invite her out to lunch at a restaurant, one that i know she likes. I will show up with a letter explaining how my life for the last several months have been. I will explain that there is only a few times a month i want to see her and I'm sorry but i still choose not to have contact with her. I think i want to do this because i have never gone through a Christmas without her. It would be to weird, because Christmas is my favorite holiday... and i don't want it to be any different from the previous years of my life. I don't know maybe i shouldn't meet up with her, i haven't made any final decisions yet, I'm just going along with my heart. I can't wait for my dad and i to get our life starting as us alone, no one else to get us angry, no one to distract us from our goals. No one. I'm so blessed to have family, friends and God who love me unconditionally. I feel blessed knowing that even if i am in Port Huron, or in Macomb for court.... God always has my back... and he ALWAYS answers my prayers.

A unexpected conversation.

I haven't been up to date on what is happening the last 2 weeks.  The court case wen t bye and nothing really happened yet, it is rescheduled. During the time we were sitting in the stands, i was intensely starring at my mom looking for a glimpse of sorrow, something to show me she still loved me. She turned her head a few times to quickly see me looking me stare at her and whipping her head back so fast I'm surprised she didn't get whiplash. That hurt. Knowing she hasn't talked to me in months, and now she wouldn't even look at me.  When we left the court room we all decided to go to the chase bank around the corner to cash and split a check between my mom and dad. While we were there, somewhere deep inside me i grasped the courage to go talk to her..... my mom.... the person whom i haven't talked to in forever... who wouldn't even look at me. Well, yea i know it sounds stupid but i had no idea what i was going to say... all i wanted from her at that point was closure. When i walked up to her, i said firmly, "Why wouldn't you look at me?" "Why did you ignore me when i stared at you?"  Why am i at 15 approaching you, to talk, why do i have to always be the strong one?" That's when the tears started to flow from her eyes. Her first response that she repeated over and over was; "I'm sick! , I'm sick! "  Well i told her straight up, she's been sick all of her life. Why does she have to admit it and take the actions she is now? She asked me if i wanted her to move back with my dad, and i simply replied. "NO." When i said that she asked me what i wanted then.... my response was a little harsh, but it was the truth; "All i want from you is closure, you're dead to me. All i want is to hear a goodbye from your lips that way i can move on with my life knowing i had closure from a other who is dead to me. Your done, i don't want you in my life. You never said why you left, you never just called me up to say how you were, how did i know you were even alive? you haven't contacted me in over a month. Just say goodbye so i can think your dead and find peace with myself." At that point tears were rolling down my check. She said goodbye and i walked away, not thinking twice about what i had just said.  When i got to the car, the first thing i did was pray. I prayed for God to be with her because i had just told her everything i had been bottling up for over a month and i felt bad, knowing that it must have hurt... but i felt good getting it off my chest finally. I learned something about myself that day... I learned that i am strong. I don't know how i got through that speech without breaking down, but i did it. I am strong because of God. He gives me the strength to deal with my mom. He has never given me anything i couldn't deal with, at times i didn't think i could handle, but than i felt God's touch telling me i can. This brings me back to my life Bible verse; Isaiah 40:31- But those who trust in the Lord, will renew there strength,  they will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Although, yes i could have changed the way i said it to my mom, i do not regret the meaning. I know i showed my self that i can handle obsticals. I have God on my side, and she doesn't and i think thats what makes the biggest difference.... NO I know- that is what makes the biggest difference, because nothing is better than God. NOTHING.

Early morning bliss

I wasn't initially planning on blogging this morning, but God's hand had such a tight grip on me when i woke up, that i wanted to share this unique presence before  left for court today.  When i woke up, the first thing that hit me, wasn't about all the possibilities of what could happen today, or what i would do when i saw my mom. It was simply tranquil. It was quite and relaxing. It was an odd feeling just waking to simple  bliss and now that i think of it, it's God! Last night my prayer included to help me get through the day without thinking about it too much and freaking out, to give me the strength to put up with what ever decisions the judge will make. Well God surely answered my prayers. God allowed me to wake up with nothing in my mind. Time's running short before i leave so i have to hurry up, but i just wanted to get the message across. God is not only good- he is magnificent, he will do anything your heart desires. He is almighty and powerful, he has my back 100% and i know walking into that court today, that i have not only every one's prayers but the powerful hand of God.

Me, Myself & I.

For everyone who knows me, they know that i have been a vegetarian for three years, that i love animals, the Jesus Christ is my Savior. That i never settle for anything less than my best. That i haven't had the easiest life, that i write poems.  They would know all that stuff about me, but yet they won't know my weaknesses and my fears. I fear of trusting people- because I'm so tired of getting stabbed in the back, I fear for the life of my nieces and nephews, because they have not had the best life and don't make the best choices. I fear that something will happen to my grandma and she will go to heaven, before I'm ready for her to leave. But my biggest fear as of this very moment- Is tomorrow. Tomorrow is one of the various court cases this month for my mom's doings. I'm terrified to see her face. I am terrified for my grandparents who are being accused of fraud, I'm terrified of what my mom is doing to my dad and I.  I'm scared of what will become of this huge mess, what will happen to my dad and me. But i know as a christian, that it will be OK.  God's on my side, i have given my life to him. I have prayed to him, i have worshiped him- I have read His words.  My mom was born a Catholic and now is nothing, she is missing the powerful love of the Lord, she is living a life not worth living- because she doesn't have God on her side. God is in control of this situation, he will let no harm come to me or my father or grandparents. He will protect us from Satan whom is taking over my mothers soul. HE WILL SAVE ME FROM MY FEARS. If he can take the excruciating pain of nails be pierced through his hands and feet, to die upon a cross, for my sins- I can sure handle a court case. If anyone out there is really reading this. Pray for me. Pray that God will continue his unconditional love, that he will allow me to be his hands and feet. That he will encourage me to do no wrong and come to him in times of need.