Loving with conditions.

Have you ever found yourself at a grocery store looking for something that was canned, and you pushed aside the can with a dent in it and picked up the more "perfect" looking can? I have. 

But.... why?

What's so different about the can you pushed aside? It has dents.... the label may be ripped... but are the insides contaminated or anything? ....No. 

The worlds a messed up place, and for many reasons.... but one is being that nobody loves unconditionally.... they love with conditions. Like the can, people don't choose to be friends with the people who appear to have the "dents" or differences in them. Should a girl who wears heavy black makeup and clothes be judged as a bad person because of what she looks like? Or the girl with the hole in her sweat pants... is it right for us to judge her? 

It's like a story in the Bible that i was just talking about with Ian last night. In the bible there was a women who was being accused of being basically a tramp. Men from the city were planning on stoning her to death, and Jesus intervened. He said "Those whom do not hold sin in their heart may throw the first stone" All the men dropped their stones. Each and everyone of them had sinned, so why did it give them a right to judge this women if her sin was no smaller nor any greater than theirs. After the men walked away, Jesus told the women to go on with her life, but to sin no more. 

I love that story, but wish that life could be more similar to the way Jesus had it planned... where instead of loving with conditions and limits, people would love people for themselves and their character, morals and personality. 

In our own way, we're all the cans with the dents that are left up on the shelf. Nobodys life is easy nor perfect.  So why judge someone when they could be one of the greatest people you've ever met:) 

Is family ultimately that important?

An exciting weekend coming up for me, as I'll be traveling down to the University I'll be studying at the coming fall. Last year around the same time, i went to a "Junior Expedition" where all juniors interested met at the campus, stayed over night in dorms and attended chapel, classes and meetings with professors. After the first 15 minutes of being on campus, i completely fell in love and felt like i finally belonged somewhere. This past summer, i applied and got accepted. It was one of the most emotional days for me because i was SO proud of myself in those few seconds. Now, I'm going back down for an activity similar to the last but this time being called "senior expedition".   The purpose of this expedition is to find potential roommates. I can't even begin to explain how excited i am to be going back. I leave Thursday, and will be coming home on Sunday.

The expedition ends on Friday, but after there's a concert with a few really good bands so Ian is driving up and we're attending the concert as well! Then we're spending the night at my grandparents since the concert will be ending pretty late and heading back Sunday morning! It's gonna be a great couple of days and I'm excited to meet some of the girls I've talked to online that have made the same choice about Spring Arbor!

I can't get it out of my head that my high school career is almost up. I can't believe that the past four years.... which has carried so much pain... hurt.... joy and fun is coming to an end. These past 4 years have been nuts, but i made it. Maybe with scrapes on my knees, but it's here in not to many more days. It's astonishing and overwhelming at the same time.

It's times like these, when i realize how proud my dad would be of me. For making it, the first in the family.

While good things are coming, also is the 2 year mark since the last day i spent with my dad. That blows my mind more than anything, that it's been two years. It still feels like yesterday, and every moment of the day i got the news still plays in the back of my mind.

Sometimes, to be honest.... i get really angry at my dad. For leaving so soon. I still recall about a year before he died, right after my mom left i had to drive my dad to the doctors because he was having a hard time breathing. The doctor told him while i was in the room that if he didn't start taking better care of himself, that he wouldn't be there to watch me graduate, or to walk me down the isle. That's the first time i was truly scared about my dads health. Then a year later, the doctor was right. He wouldn't be able to walk me down the isle... or send me off after graduation. He lost his battle to heart disease. I know it's not right to get angry with him, but sometimes i don't know how else to express everything.

I think the reason why it makes me angry so much, is because he left me when i didn't have anyone. I've stated once before that my family is falling apart at the core, and now... the damage is done. There is no family. The family i thought i once had, isn't there and it made me realize and question if they truly had ever been there.

I think about the question a lot.... is family truly as important as the world possess it to be?   My answer; no. To some, they will completely disagree with me, and that's okay. It means that we've been raised in different ways. Some people have a great relationship with their family, for me the people i had the most meaningful relationships with... are gone.

Family are those who are gonna stick by your side no matter what choices you make in life. They're are the people that aren't only there to support during the good times, but during the bad. And they are the people who even when you could have the worst attitude, are still there at the end of the day. In my actual family, who do i have that's like that? Besides my grandma Rosemary, my uncle and one cousin..... no one. So sometimes i get angry with my dad.... because he was my rock. Through every argument, he was still there and never left. Even after my mom left, and i treated him horribly because i blamed him... he still loved me and made sure that i was doing okay. He always pushed me to do better than my best in everything, and to never give up. At first sight, he saw something in me different than my sisters and lived through his last day showing me all of the potential i have.

It's funny actually that I'm blogging about this tonight, because just moments ago i was being talked about in my kitchen by two family members. They were talking about how i have two low grades right now.... not failing, just not my normal A or B. One even had the nerve to say; "I hope she doesn't graduate so she realizes what she doing to her life"... the others response... " I hope she does graduate so she leaves my house"  That right there- is true love by family members, and just another reason why i get so mad at my dad. Because he left me with this to deal with.

I don't have a shoulder to cry on when I'm too overwhelmed with my family anymore.... i have this blog, which sometimes i don't even know where to start.

I can sit and look at my life, and yes... my life has been pretty crappy. But, my life isn't horrible. I've seen a handful of bad days, but I've also experienced some of the best days. That's one of the things that keeps me going. The hope of those good days.

Those good days are created by my real family.  The one's who stayed up late with me while i cried on the phone after my mom left, and the ones who wrote me little pick me up notes for my first day back to school after the death of my dad and grandma.. for the ones who were apart of my room makeover, and the ones who cried along tears of happiness for me when i opened my Spring Arbor letter. Sarah, Yvonne, and Bree. The worlds most amazing, loyal and supportive friends.  Those are who i consider my family.

Those three girls and i head off to Florida in 21 days, and I've never been more excited!

I meant to blog about my trip to Detroit but never got the chance to, so i figured I'd throw it in here! :)  About two weeks ago, Ian and i had the privilege to go down to the D with one of our youth leaders and attend the "winter jam"  christian concert at the Joe Louis Arena! It was AWESOME. We got to see about  9 different performances from various bands and singers and it was a really great time! I love being in Detroit, although for someone who isn't too good at not worrying, riding the people mover wasn't the best idea!!  One of the singers we say live was Colton Dixon. He sang a song called Never Gone and it reminded me of my mom and really made me just in a mush feeling.

The music video to the song is about a little boy who's afraid of the dark so his dad gives him this charm that lights up and then fast forwards to the teens years of the boy and he still has the same charm. Something happens between the dad and son because the son dropped the charm and walks away and it shows the father sitting in a chair in an empty room aging. Then in the end the dad is sick and very old and the boy- now a man goes and See's his father for the first time and the father gives him the charm- and the son realizes that it's too late.

It makes me sad and confused looking at this video and reminds me of my relationship with my own mom. Sometimes i don't think people understand why i don't answer when she calls every once in a while. Every time i let my mom come back into my life, she promises me she's changed and then a few days or weeks later she's back to hating me again and blaming me for all of her life's problems. So when she calls, i choose to not answer, because i choose not to get hurt again. It makes me wonder if i am doing the right thing especially after watching this video. Although i get the uneasy feeling a lot, sometimes it bothers me because i would give anything to have a mom in my life. But, i know it will never happen so as long as i know that whenever the phone rings and her name shows up, i will still choose not to answer. It's been almost 2 years since I've talked to her last, there's no reason it needs to start now i suppose:P  

I'm hoping that with each day closer to graduation, i can still remember how proud my dad is of me because knowing that... makes life 10x easier.