The long and twisted journeys of life, are journeys we did not plan.. but journeys we must travel down to get to our final destination. Lets make the best of it, eh?
Change; to make or become different. Over the last few months I've been changing so much about myself and I've been questioning why..... why do i feel this sudden need to change things that have been the same way for quite some time. I think i found out why, in this past week actually. I need change because it makes me feel separated from the pain. It doesn't make much sense in writing, but it does for me....
Over the last week, I've changed two things about myself that the average person would say.... okay, no big deal. I got my ears pierced. I've had them pierced twice before, once when i was a baby and once when i was 11 but it didn't work out. I was at the mall the other day with my grandma and nephew Collin and as we walked out of Kohl's i saw a girl getting her ears pierced and i thought- why not? So i just said to my grandma- i want to get my ears pierced. She looked at me funny and said okay so i went and got it done. No big deal right?
Now my hair..... funny story. Not really, hahaha. I've always had what the hair lady called; "virgin hair" I've never put any form of die in, and even though i straighten my hair i use 2 different heat protectors preventing it from being hurt. But, on Friday, i got highlights. It just came out of nowhere but i was tired of the same thing every single day. So, i know have Carmel highlights.
The first time i reveled my changes to my best friends, they were shocked. I didn't see what the big deal was- it was just my ears and hair. I started thinking about it more.
Everyday i woke up with the same routine. I pretty much looked the same everyday of school. That means bumming it everyday in my world. I was so used to the new routine. Once i had done something different for once, it was like this weird high. I know i probably sound crazy right now, but in reality i've been doing the same, "good girl Christian" things everyday in and out. Not wanting to do anything that i might get looked down upon. So doing these little things gave me a feel for freedom and change.
I'm not saying i love having my ears pierced. It honestly drives me nuts in the morning when i still have my natural hair and my earrings get twisted up in them. And the highlights- well im not saying i hate them it's just different to what i'm used to so it's gonna take a little warming up to.
With freedom, comes responsibility. Something i've messed up a few times before.
When i was talking to my friend Sarah about the same thing, she got really concerned out of no where. If any of you know Sarah; she's a wild child- so her being the one concerned about me is a change. She was wondering what my next "change" would be. When i told her i wasn't sure, she started re-assuring that my changes wouldn't be something that could hurt my future. And they aren't and are never going to be.
I like change. I like the feeling of waking up differently for the first time in 8 months. And i'm thinking of other changes to make as well. No, they aren't going to be things that aren't appropriate- I still have my morals. don't believe in drinking before the age of 21 ( in my case ever), i don't believe in doing drugs, i don't believe in premarital sex, i don't believe in gauges and lip rings, i don't believe in swearing as a sport and i don't believe in rash decisions that can hurt other people. I do believe that change can be good, if used appropriately.
If i don't like my earrings, i can take them out and they will go back to normal, and eventually they highlights will grow out and my hair will be back to normal.... because the changes i'm making aren't permanent.
I don't really know why i wanted to blog about change tonight, i guess it's because of the conversations i've had with my friends about my recent changes. Don't get me wrong, its nice to know they care, but i just wish that they would understand change isn't permanent.
That brings me into the new year- I've never been SO glad for a year to be done more that 2012- honestly. This year had its moments.... good and bad. It was a crazy ride to say in the least..... As i type, it's 12:47 so technically Monday morning...... less than 24 hours until 2013. In less that 24 hours i will be officially 1 year away from my graduating year. That's CRAZY.
I'm optimistic that 2013 will be a much better year than this past one. Don't get me wrong, it will still have it's challenges..... but they hopefully won't be so painful.
I've spent the last week with my grandparents in Jackson, and my nephew Collin came along too. This week i've done a lot of searching. Searching for answers, clarity and hope. Beyond my expectations i had found some of what i've been searching for. I've spent a lot of the last week introducing traditions to my nephew... sledding down the hill down the street, getting up at 6 am to go on hikes with my grandpa, visiting the Ella Sharp Museum, and just getting in a car and driving down the old back roads looking for deer and fox. I got to experience that all again. To be honest, haven't gone sledding down the old hill in years, and most times when i come to my grandparents, i refuse to get up at 6 am because i'd rather sleep in. But it was different this visit- i remembered what it felt like to not have a worry of the world when you were at nana and papas house. Getting up at 6 am wasn't so hard after the first time, and it was worth it by seeing the smile on Collins face. Sitting out in the freezing cold watching Collin sled wasn't so bad, and spending time with the "old folks" was nice and something i felt as if i would remember for a while :)
Another thing i learned this trip, was patience. Patience with my grandma. Her Alzheimer's has gotten progressively worse. I had to learn that even if it was the 10th time in 5 minutes asking a question that i needed to act like it was the first time she asked it. It scares me to see her getting so bad, so quickly. It makes me really thankful for each day i get to spend with her though.
So later on today ( since it is now 1:36) i will be joining with my friends; Sarah, Nathen, Yvonne, Dwayne, Mike, Blake and Ian to bring in the new year.
Goodbye 2012..... Sadly, you won't be missed because im optimistic 2013 will bring the changes i need to feel better again. Happy New Years <3
Hmmm, Christmas Day. It's weird to think that in two days, it will be 8 months, since the last breath my father took. It's weird, and I don't like the feelings I've been having over this time. It's almost been a year- and honestly that's CRAZY. Last night, we celebrated Christmas with our family, and it wasn't bad- just weird. Weird not to hear my dads foot tapping at all times because of his torrets, weird to not hear my grandma complain about the dogs making her legs bleed if they didn't stop jumping on her.... It was jus weird.
I remember the past Christmas' with my family, they were always amazing. It's been a tradition in our family for as long as I can remember. Each one different, in its own ways. Christmas is more emotional for me than thanksgiving or most holidays, mostly because its something that I've never missed with my family. I've missed thanksgiving a few years back because my nephew, Noah and I had the swine flu, but never have I missed a Christmas with my family. It's not only a holiday where my family all gets together, but it's a religious holiday that your supposed to feel happy and grateful for the birth of Jesus Christ. This Christmas, it's different. Our Christmas was empty compared to most years. It was missing my dad, mom, grandma, sisters and my nieces and nephews. That's my whole "family, family" like my immediate. So then I feel bitter, were celebrating Christs birthday, where our family gets together but yet my family is no where to be found.
I know I have family who love me, but a mom, dad and siblings are different.
Not a lot of people know what's been going on with my mom and I, and I'm not to sure of it myself either. My moms been making some risky decisions that I don't agree with so a little over a month ago, I told her to stop calling me, that I didn't want her in my life right now because she was causing me too much stress. She didn't listen and over the last weeks has called me, leaving me messages about how I'm a horrible daughter for not answering the phone, and how maybe if I had more respect for her, she wouldn't had walked out on my dad and I. It sucks knowing that's how he feels. Every person I care about can tell me that she's just wrong, but it still hurts-because she's mom and she's supposed to be there for me. Today's Christmas, she hasn't called today. Today is one of those days where I actually WANT her to call.... And I would answer. Of all days, she's not gonna call today. I want to call her up so bad but I'm afraid of what kind of stuff she's going to say this time.
Today was supposed to be a good day, I thought the worst was over, but little did i know the worst was yet to come.
I woke up looking outside and seeing the snow. I just started crying because to me, that was my dad saying hello. He always complained if there wasn't snow for Christmas, and I thought of that over the past few weeks, I wasn't crying tears of sadness this morning, they are tears of sheer joy.
I miss them a lot, it's indescribable. The feeling of sadness comes and goes quit often. The feeling of loneliness comes also. They suck.
But today- I was getting ready to drive 2 hours to my grandparents, to spend a few days with them. They live on a lake so it's a normal thing for me to bring a fishing pole and tackle box with me. This year, for Christmas, one of my cousins bought me a new fishing pole; and ugly stick (the brand lol) the fishing pole itself breaks into two parts, making it capable to bring to college with me. Now most people who don't me too well don't know that I a girl who would prefer to be fishing than getting my nails or hair done. It's my escape. It's the place my dad and I found happiness when our world was filled with overwhelming sadness. It's a time that I feel close with my dad. So getting a fishing pole for Christmas is one of the best things I've ever received for a gift.
When I was setting the pole up, I realized I needed to get some hooks and sinkers to bring so I went out to our shed in our backyard where I keep some of my dads fishing stuff, and I went to look for some of his sinkers. I found the bucket he always brought with us when we went, an moved the fishing poles to the side so I could see if there were any sinkers laying at the bottom- but instead I saw a box of hot tomales. Those were my dads favorite things in the world. I instantly started laughing, but with the laughs came tears and I was just sitting on the ground with them in my hand crying but laughing hysterically at the same time. It felt good, and I needed that time.
There comes a time, where your bad days can't seem to possibly get any worse, and you just want the world to pause for a few seconds so you can take a breath. But they're are also days that you try to emotionally prepare yourself for.... And it doesn't work. I've learned that happens a lot when your grieving. Some days are good, some are bad but over time you start having more good days.
Today turned from bad, to me feeling better about Christmas. It's not over yet, I'm just now leaving for my grandparents, but I know my dads guiding us there making sure the roads where were driving our safe.
I love and miss my dad and my grandma. It will never be the same without them, but I'm glad that they aren't hurting anymore.. As for my mom, I'm not going to worry about her. She's never cared for me much before, so I don't need her to make it through the day- I have other people, people who never left and care about me, people who understand today my heads spinning and people no matter how much I mess up, are still there.
I've been thinking about how I wanted to approach this blog, each angle I looked at seemed to have pain in it. Then I realized that there isn't any other way to look at it. So for the past few days, I've been observing people's thoughts, actions and words after the shooting. Sitting back and just observing has helped me answer my questions and has made me think about my life.
This, is not okay. I've been trying to imagine why someone could do this. But i can't.
What is our society coming too? Truly.
Daniel Barden, 7
Rachel Davino, 29
Olivia Engel, 6
Josephine Gay, 7
Ana Marquez-Greene, 6
Dylan Hockley, 6
Dawn Hochsprung, 47
Madeleine Hsu, 6
Catherine Hubbard, 6
Chase Kowalski, 7
Jesse Lewis, 6
James Mattioli, 6
Grace McDonnell, 7
Anne Marie Murphy, 52
Emilie Parker, 6
Jack Pinto, 6
Noah Pozner, 6
Caroline Previdi, 6
Jessica Rekos, 6
Avielle Richman, 6
Lauren Rousseau, 30
Mary Sherlach, 56
Victoria Soto,27
Benjamin Wheeler, 6
Allison Wyatt, 6
For each one of the names of the children killed, is another family grieving. Another Christmas stocking that won't be touched, another boyscout meeting with one less member, another dance perforamnce with one less dancer. A world with 26 less people. People who will have to live their daily lives with this HORRIBLE tragedy. INNOCENT children will now go to bed with sights of dead children in their minds. Knowing that some of there own friends won't be back. This, is disgusting.
I will not give the killer the satisfaction of typing his name, there is not many things i can say about him other than; I hope the pits of Hell that he is now in engulfed with flames.
I've never wished Hell on anyone, but this man deserves no mercy.
I started asking myself; where's this God I've proclaimed to know all this time. Why would he let this happen. I became so bitter with God over the last few days. It made me realize something though. This is NOT Gods fault. This is the work of Satan. So I'll answer my question from earlier.... Where is God? He's hugging the new 26 children and adults that are coming into heaven, telling them they are loved an that they don't need to be afraid anymore. That's where He is.
Over the past few weeks, I've had my own personal struggles with my faith. It's times like this I reflect. I was wrong all along. I've stayed angry at God for stuff that isn't His will. I've been pushing away the most important person in my life- Him. This shooting although may be tragic, isn't the story God had intended on. This is pure evil, and we all know that evil comes from Satan. So those are my thoughts.... That this isn't Gods doing, but rather Satan. Who knows if I'm right but there is no way I can justify God for doing this.
So my sincere condolences to the family's, friends and communities of Newton. No amount of words, will ever make up for those innocent lives that were taken away from a sick, sick man.
Am i the only teenager who feels like our society is so caught up with Facebook twitter and football that we forget to take a step back and look at all we have? For as long as i can remember, Thanksgiving has been lost between Halloween and Christmas. People don't realize what they have, and aren't grateful. I find myself getting so busy with my own life- that i don't appreciate the little things.
I'm thankful for.....
My life. The fact that i can wake up every morning able to get out of bed on my own, to spend a pointless amount of time straightening the curls out of my hair, to be just be able to BREATH on my own. I'm thankful for that.
The Stars. I'm thankful that where i live the stars are very visible and they bring me peace and comfort knowing that my dad and grandma both looked at the same stars.
The sun. Especially on a cold winter day. I love the fact sunny warm weather and and so thankful we don't live in a place like Alaska which gets zero benefits from the warm sun.
Sarah. I'm thankful for having you as my best friend. You're the one person who i know will be there for me though anything. You're like my sister. When we're together we probably look like we're on crack- but you get me. We're crazy. Sometimes, we're stupid. Nothing matters when I'm with you. I can tell you the most deepest darkest things and you do nothing more than wipe away my tears and say you'll always be there for me. I honestly don't know what i would do without you.
Yvonne. My "sexy Mexi" (you need a new nickname) You're legit like my mom. Your one of the first people i go to for advice because you always make me calm down when somethings going wrong. Your one of my best friends and i admire how put together you are.
Ian. I remember the first day i met you. I was in 5th grade. You were the shy kid who never really talked much in youth group. Then we went to cedar point, it was a little over a year later and it was me you and Kendra. You opened up, and ever sense you have been my best guy friend. I remember at my dads funeral how you came in late, because you had spent the whole day at your grandpas funeral. The fact that you even came, honestly just makes me realize how much of an amazing friend you are. Even though you're a pre-med freshman at Wayne which consumes most of your time, i know you're always here. I'm so thankful to have you in my life.
Justine- My Narwhale Sister for life <3 Hahahah, i can't even remember all of the inside jokes we have. I do remember how our first conversation included hangers, and how we're both obsessed with cream sickles. Hahah, you honestly don't even know how funny you are. Omggg, my 16th birthday. We were upstairs in my room watching Insidious. Ian and i were laying on the couch, you and Henry on the floor, Felicia, Haley and John on my bed and Sarah and Yvonne in the chair. My aunts dog came upstairs and you literally screamed bloody murder. That was probably THE funniest day of my life.
Rylee. You're too young to read this, but one day i'll probably tell you these exact words. You're the most amazing little girl i know. When i'm having a rough time i'll think of you, and say "Am the person im acting like the person i want Rylee to look up too?" And i quickly get things figured out. My day to day actions are somewhat in reaction to the person i want you to know me as. I don't have much left in my life to keep trying for, pretty much you're the reason i'm still fighting in the crazy world. I seriously love you with every being in my body.
My family. There's too many of you to do an individual bullet for, but each one of you no matter how many times we get mad at each other have stood by my side and i couldn't be more thankful for the family i have.
My dad. I'm thankful because i had 16 years with you. They may have had their ups and downs, but they were what made me who i am. Even though you're not here, i think about you constantly. If i could give up everything i have just to see you again, i would. Nobody will ever understand me the way you did. You were my protection. I was never afraid of anything when you were around because you always seemed to fix anything that wasn't right. I love you daddy, more than life itself.
My grandma <3. The sweetest, amazing, most caring 82 year old around. You were my strength. My rock. My refuge. Its not often you find someone that has survived as much as you. You will always mean the world to me grandma. I love you too the moon and back <3
The Robinsons. I'm thankful that you've given me the perspective on what a real family looks like. You've brought me out of my darkest moments to the feet of Jesus. You've been there with my every step of the way. You've never left. I love you guys so much <3
Mrs. Youngs. You're like this ray of sunshine at LCN. The first day i came in your classroom, to be completely honest- i was terrified of you. You never came across as mean or anything, you were just sooooooo happy, loud and energetic and i thought you were crazy lol. I still think of you as crazy as times, but not in a bad way and I'm proud to say that I'm no longer scared of you :) Hahaha, just thought I'd clear that up. I'm so thankful for the blessing God gave me when he put you in my life. I guess He really does know whats best for me :) I know sometimes i act like a total moron and am totally unfocused and spend too much time laughing about the spice girls then i should be (sorry about that :/) But- at the end of the day, i know you're still there for me whenever i need you and you'll never understand how much that means to me. So, thank you :)
My teeth. Only one person who reads this will understand why I'm grateful for my teeth, hahhaah- but i am! Even though braces suck, and make my mouth hurt- I'm thankful for my teeth.
Writing. I'm thankful that i have the ability to write. I'm not too good at writing, but it's one of the only ways i can truly express myself. It's may way out sometimes.
Kari Jobe. I'm thankful for her voice, her lyrics and the fact that i got to meet her and have a conversation with her. I'm thankful that God showed me His love through her.Her songs are the way I'm holding onto God right now. In my crazy life i loose sight of what really matters alllllll the time. She brings me back.
My church. I haven't been there in a while, but it's a place that i wish i was at when things go bad. It's the place i feel i matured most at. It's the place that accepts me for being a broken person. I love my church, and love that the people in it all have a huge heart for God.
Leaves. Sounds stupid, but leave are one of my favorite things to take pictures of. They are all unique and different- yet all so beautiful. My favorite time of the year is fall, because of leaves changing colors.
Hope. I'm thankful for the word hope. It has so many dimensions to it. Hope is a word i find my self hoping to hear. Hope is what gets me through some of the hardest times.
My hair. This is weird, i know- but i'm thankful for my hair. Thankful that i have it, and that no matter how much i straighten it it still grows back fast. I'm thankful that i have the opportunity to donate my hair ever 16 months, to kids who aren't as blessed as i am for my hair.
The woods. I find myself when im in a bad situation going into my back yard and walking in the woods. When i feel like no one can hear me sometimes i just scream. The woods represent so much in my life. I love being out there and finding new things. My favorite time to go into the woods is in the winter because there is a few ponds that freeze quickly so i can bring my ice skates with me. I spend hours out there whenever i get the chance.
LCN. Even though sometimes schools the last place i want to be, at least i have the opportunity to go to such a great school. We have some amazing teachers there that will help us in what ever ways needed. I'm thankful to have a close place to go to get my education.
Memories. I'm thankful for memories. They keep my dad and grandma alive in my heart. I'm thankful for memorable items that once belonged to my dad and grandma. I'm thankful to have had those memories with them.
Element. Element is the name of my youth group. We're about 350 kids strong. That right there- is AMAZING. Those teens are my family. I love them SO much. They are my best friends and I'm thankful for the opportunity to know them.
Noah. I'm thankful for such an amazing nephew. Although i haven't seen him in quite sometime, i love spending time with him- and i miss him yelling; "auntie Beth" whenever he saw me. I don't think many people understand the impact little kids can make on your life. I've learned so much from Noah. I've learned how to just be there for him when he's upset or talk to him when his life is chaotic. I only hope that one day, this little boy will be a great father- and learn that just because he grew up in a bad environment he doesn't have to live that way forever.
Renewal Christian Counseling. I'm thankful for them giving me the help i need to deal with my grief and depression.
Haleigh. I'm thankful to have a cousin like Haleigh. She's the closest female in my family by age. She's taught me so much on not caring what people say about your religion because in the end, it's not them who matter. Haleigh is Mormon and gets criticized because of it all the time. People still believe the stupid jokes about how Mormons believe in have multiple wives, and other harsh things. She lets that go in one year and out the other. She knows it's not true. She's amazing. She's a sophomore at BYU, which is a Mormon college and I'm so thankful for her guidance in life.
Lindsay. A girl who i met at Camp Cavell who literally made me sob every time she started talking. Our lives are in so many ways similar, and some of the things that has just happened to me, happened to her about a year ago. We talk almost every day, and she can understand completely what i'm going through. I'm SO thankful i had the chance to meet her.
Dayne Liberty. Not many people know who he is. But my friend Sarah and i do. He was a student at our school, but only for a very short time. He died during our freshman year of high school. He lost his battle of cancer. Both Sarah and i think of him often. I'm blessed to have known him. In a few days it will be two years that he will be gone. He's amazing, and will forever be in out hearts.
The color yellow. I'm thankful for yellow. The color just makes me happy. That's another reason why its the color on my walls. It makes me happy, and its hard to be sad when your surrounded by such a bright color.
My friends. I'm thankful for all of my friends. The one's listed and the one's not listed. I'm thankful for them being there with me every step of the way. For never giving up on me.
My enemies. There's very few. And even though this is killing me writing this, i'm thankful for the 3 of you. You have shown me what a real friend does not do. You have made me look at who i am as a person. You have made me grateful to have great friends. You have taught me how to keep going on with my life, even when all you want to do is let the words of people affect you. I'm thankful that i found out the real people you were, before we became good friends. And i'm thankful that i know better to never give you a second chance.
To live in America. I'm thankful to be an American. To live in a land that both my father and grandfather fought in. To have the basic freedoms that many women don't have.
This blog. This blog is a place for me to let out feelings, and a place to express myself. I love being able to go on here and just vent. It's one of the best things i'v ever started.
There is 35 things that i'm thankful. I know there is more, but that's enough for now. This list- is short. I'm thankful for so many other things not even listed here. My life, has been blessed with many amazing things. I'm thankful for all of them. This Thanksgiving is rough, but im thankful for every second of it. Happy Thanksgiving! <3
Yesterday, Tuesday- was a really bad day. I was exhausted, and didn't understand anything that was going on in school. It dust improve when I got home either. Instead of staying after school for STATIC like I normally do, I came home and passed out on the couch until about 5:30.
I woke up because the phone rang, it was my mom. I've been trying to get a hold of her for the past few days just to talk, but she's always busy. Whenever I call her, most likely to tell her something that happened that day, she answers saying; "I'm busy, I'll call you back later." which never happens. It makes me angry how she's the only "parent" i have left, and yet it feels like she has no time for me; and most of the time it seems like she doesn't even try to make time for me. I haven't talked to anyone about her in a while, and i guess you could say that's a good thing. Her life seems to be on the right track lately. Tonight when we talked for the first time in a few weeks, she told me how she's really trying. She told me how she was finally going to fulfill the Christmas wish I've wished for ever since i was a little girl. She quit smoking. She has for a while now, and decided to tell me now because she wanted to make sure she could do it. I think it's awesome and I'm so proud of her and she's also committed her life back to trying to make good decisions. I am really happy for her, but at the same time i don't want to get my hopes up because she's done this all before and then came a little bump in the road and she went right back to her ways. To be honest, when she told me this news, i was a little disappointed that it took her this long to get her life on track. I wish more than anything my dad could have been alive to see her like this. She seems happy, and i haven't heard the happy tone in her voice in a longgggg time. If only my dad knew, he would be so proud of her. He was her number one fan. Lately, it's really been bothering me that i feel like I'm a burden on soooo many people. I know they don't feel the same way, or at least i hope so. A perfect example is my mom. Sometimes when something really good or even bad happens i just want to talk to my dad. But i can't, so i call my mom. And then i get rejected. I just want to hear her voice sometimes to know that she's still here. Still breathing. Still alive. To hear her voice gives me this calm relief feeling. I don't know why, it's weird, but it does. I don't call often, and I've tried to call at times she said would be convenient to her, but it just never works out. It makes me feel like crap, when i really wanna tell her something good and she says I'm busy I'll call you later. Most likely, what i was going to tell her wouldn't take more than a few minutes but it's like those few minutes don't matter, because she has her own life. Thinking about that puts me in this; "why did you have to leave a year ago" mood. Like i just said, she has her own life. One that I'm rarely included in. Does the people she talks to day in and day out even know she has a daughter? It hurts thinking that they probably don't. Even though i HATED when my dad used to brag about my grades, and just me in general i miss having that feeling knowing you pleased your parents. Maybe I'm letting her down. I don't have a 3.9 gpa anymore, i don't volunteer as much as i used to anymore, i don't always try my hardest at everything anymore. Am i disappointing her? Am i disappointing my dad? I used to care so much about everything. I used to study for hours and hours for tests, that doesn't happen anymore. Am i letting my parents down? I don't want her to brag about me or anything, because it is embarrassing but i want to be able to call where she lives and say, "Is Carol there, it's Elizabeth" and not be asked who i am. Am i that much of a burden that people can't even know about me? When she left did she want to leave her past, or just me? The people she lives with surely knows of my dad, it's just me they have no clue about and it hurts. It's not even just her. It's everyone. My family; they all have families and are so busy, that i don't want to call and interfere with their lives. My grandparents; as a lot of people know, for Thanksgiving day, i always go to Wisconsin. Except for this year. I found out today, that I'm not going to be able to go. When my grandpa called me, he said he was really sorry it just wouldn't work out because my grandma's Alzheimer's. He couldn't pick me up on Tuesday because her schedule was so demanding and she was getting to the point where she couldn't drive on her own. So unless he picked me up on Sunday, and missed school on Monday, it wasn't possible to pick me up. I'm not mad he can't pick me up, i mean he can't control my grandmas Alzheimer's. It just sucks knowing that everyone in my family will be gone Thanksgiving, and I'll be home alone. The first real holiday, without them- will be spent with myself, and 3 dogs..... wonderful right? I'm totally looking forward to Thanksgiving more than i was before :P It just seems like, no matter who it is, they each have their individual lives, and i feel uncomfortable taking any time out of theirs. So lately, I've tried to keep to myself. The hardest part is when people ask me if I'm okay, and i have to respond with, "I'm just tired". Yeah, I've been really burned out lately, but behind my tiredness is a whole bunch of pain and struggling. I just can't seem to talk about it anymore. My sisters, my nieces, my nephews, my great nephew, my friends and just problems in general- there's ALWAYS something going on. Drama,drama,drama,drama, drama. I've come to HATE drama. People can't just let something go, and it puts so much more stress on a person when that happens. When i got too overwhelmed with things; like this whole week, i always called my dad and told him EVERYTHING. I never worried about taking up his time, because he let me know he would be there for me 24/7. I know people say that if i ever need something, they're just a text/phone call/email away...... but are they really? Maybe it's just me, but i don't think anyone sincerely thinks that. They try to be there for me, but like i said earlier- everyone has their own individual lives. Their own individual families. Nobody has time for a lost, scared, and depressed teenager. Except my dad.
Last night, i had a 3-8 shift at work and when i came home since i was exhausted from school and work, i came home and crashed. I woke up around 8:30 and ever since i've just felt drained. I'm not tired, but i dont have any motivation to do anything. I'm just in an annoyed mood and keep thinking about my dad. When i got up i got my favorite fuzzy blanket and curled up on the couch and watched the last song. That was a bad mistake.
The whole story of the movie revolves around the relationship of a man and his daughter. And the dad ends up dying in the end. I think it hits me that he's really gone at the worst times. It's my day off of school and work and now i feel like crap. The plans i had for today; homework, clean, have sarah come over, and give dogs a bath have been scratched and now im following my new plans. 1. bum around my house in my pj's all day (it's already 1:30- so far so good) 2. complain about how cold it is (check) 3. sleep (check)
I hate days like this. I can't find the strength to get motivated. I just wanna see my dad. I feel as if the death of him has hit me, but sometimes the pain gets back into my mind.
It's almost Thanksgiving. Last night when i was going over cupcake plans for thanksgiving with my aunt, it hit me- oh yeahhh wait. My dad will never spend a Thanksgiving with me again. And to be blunt; IT SUCKS.
Why me? I keep asking myself and a few others that ALL the time. I always get the same responses; you'll never know, it's in Gods hands. Or something like that. I get that but it still doesn't take the pain away.
I want to know that things are going to be okay. Even if a thousand people tell me they are, unless one of those people are my dad, than i'm not going to believe anyone.
I just feel lost. I feel like i don't even know who i am anymore. When you loose your mom,dad, and grandma you not only loose people who you love you loose your identity.
Everything about my identity is somehow related to my dad. My name; my dad picked it after my aunt Betty. If it wasn't for him my name would be Marlise. My last name, Brendle- was his last name. When i was born it was Hoffmanner, but it was changed to Brendle. My friends call me Brendle because i tell them that i hate my real name, and i do. Because it was my dads name for me. Even at work, i ask them to call me Beth like my family does instead of Elizabeth. It sounds stupid, i know- but Elizabeth was the name my dad picked out for me and i miss the way he used to say it. I think that's why i prefer people calling me Carmen, Beth or Brendle- because those names weren't picked by my dad so they don't make me think of him.
Earlier this week, i found out some things about my dad. Don't get me wrong, i'm so glad i found out and it makes me feel better knowing some things about him- but it hurts knowing that i had to hear it from my uncle instead of my dad.
I'm not really sure where my emotions are at today. I can't get my dad out of my head and i keep seeing him in the hospital bed. I just want today to be over, so i can continue on with my life. I just really, miss my dad today.
It's crazy how many memories one little place can hold. This, was my dad's favorite place;
To you, it may look like a dirty, old boring place to be.... but your most definitely wrong. He pratcialy lived here in the summer. See the right hand corner of the dock, where the two fences meet- the baby blue umbrella i bought him for his birthday a few years prior was always standing up tall with the help of a bungee cord. Straight ahead, where the two gates connect- is where he always placed his little red wagon, and next to that was his green cooler which would always have the best snacks on a hot summer day. My dad, was always sad. I can't blame him- he lived in a wheelchair and needed assistance in everything he wanted to do. But one place i know he felt himself at, was this fishing pier. Seeing him smile and act happy, was worth touching all the icky worms. It's located in the Walter and Mary Burke Park located in downtown New Baltimore. And it's a place that will never be the same for me to be at.
This past Friday, my church; joined with the New Baltimore park and rec for a fall festival where we provided 40 trunks where kids could go trunk-er-treating, 4 huge bounce houses and many other small details that made it such a success. The feeling i had pulling up to the park was like the first time you get a bad grade on a test. The feelings were causing me to be really sad. It didn't help when i heard my name being called about 15 feet away by my dads best friend. I haven't seen him since the funeral. Which was 6 months ago. I wanted to run away after to talking to him, because it just made me miss my dad A LOT. So, i decided to take a walk down the pier. I just stood there and imagined him sitting there whistling and then hearing the bell on the fishing line ringing, causing him to grab the pole, whip it up in the air yelling, "gotcha sucker". It made me laugh, because i miss how excited he used to get. I took the urn of ashes i have in my room and i slowly unscrewed the top. I started talking to my dad saying i found the letter and it only felt right to put some of him where he belonged. I sprinkled his ashes in the water, and even though i got sorta grossed out, i knew in my heart that it was what he wanted. Walking away something inside changed. The pain i felt earlier in the day wasn't there any longer. It was like it blew away with his ashes. Once i reached the end of the pier, i turned around and felt peace. A kind of peace that i haven't felt yet. Even though i felt i had closure to his death at his funeral releasing some of his ashes to his favorite place gave me more closure than anything so far. I remember the feeling of goosebumps down my arms as i wiped my tears and whispered; "goodbye daddy".
I know he heard me, and i know that he is happy with my decision. What amazes me was how beautiful it got outside after i left the pier. I took some pictures;
Yesterday, was October 27th. It's officially 6 months since the last time i have had a conversation with my dad. It's weird. Really weird. I woke up distracting myself from it and concentrating on finishing the cupcakes i had to make for our Halloween party. Not only the edible ones, but the one i would be wearing as well. It was a good night and even though it was hard at first to be around all of my friends and trying to act normal, im glad i went- because it gave my emotions a break.
The days have gone by so quickly. Before i know it, it'll be Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year and then my birthday. It's crazy. But- the peace i've come to find at the pier will only make these first a little less painful.
Miss and love you a lot dad <3
p.s- i haven't touched a worm in 6 months. It feels weird. (:
Lately, I've made a lot of mistakes, and it's not only disturbing me, but hurting the people i care about the most. Due to my foolishness, I'm not proud of the person i have been acting like the last few weeks. I don't know what got in to me, or what i got into but thinking about it- i definitely have not been myself. You know who you are, and you know what I've done- i wish i could erase it- but i know i can't. So my sincere apologies to any one I've treated wrongly in the past few weeks. I guess i didn't understand what i was doing until the bus ride to Pankow today.
All of you know, Kari Jobe is my favorite singer. I've blogged about her before, and i usually never shut up about getting to meet her. Her album has been on repeat on my Ipod for quite some time now. But lately- i haven't listened to her. Nor have i prayed,written in a journal, gone to church, or had any real connection with God. Something changed, and I've finally understood what.
When you have a deep connection with someone, your life involves them so much that when that connection is broken, you feel lost. That's what happened to my relationship with God. I know that my connection with him was one of the most important things, but then i started feeling depressed and i just didn't care about God. I avoided him in everything i did. When i would lay down to sleep at night, i would look at my Bible on my nightstand- but i wouldn't reach over and grab it. I would see my radio and think to play Christian music, but instead i would just play 9.63 which in no what shape or form calming or christian. I would look at the picture of my dad and grandma on my cork board and quickly turn my head afraid that they would look at me from the picture with disapproving eyes.
This blog is real, and it harsh- but I'm so tired of hiding about it. I know that those who want to be in my life will accept this blog. And those who don't, can walk away.
Someone told me recently- "Don't push people away at the fear you will loose them". She didn't know this but when she said that i felt like my heart skipped a beat- because that was exactly what i felt i was doing. In the last year and a half, I've lost so many people. Not all to death, but to people moving, or making stupid decisions and not being able to spend time with them.
I've lost my mom- it's been a year and half now, but there is truly not a day that goes by that i don't think about what she did for me. A day that i feel bitter but have to force myself to realize that she can't help what she did. I have to make excuses to not feel hurt at what she did to her little girl. Not only when she left, but when i was a little girl. The things i was put through from her, being told i was a burden on her life, stuff that a child should never hear- i had to put up with and at the end of the day suck it up and act like nothing was wrong because i was so hungry for the loving care from a mother. Even when that "love" was showed through being hurt physically, i needed it growing up. I never found it. I lost my mom, and every day i wonder; what if i would've had a normal mom. Why did God give me her? I was so angry with God when she left and sometimes i still am. When i found out about her moving again from the home she was supervised it- i was angry with God because this new lifestyle of hers meant no one to supervise her throughout the night.
I lost my dad. It's been a little over 5 months, but everyday i think about him if i see someone he talked to, or if i see a father and daughter. I wonder- what if he was still here. Would my grandma be here still too? I feel guilty. All my life i never realized what an amazing father i had. I never really appreciated him, i was dumb for not noticing that he put me before himself. I remember one time when i lived in Orion my mom was really angry and she was taking it out on me. My dad tried standing up to stop her from doing any more- when the next thing we know is my mom had the cordless phone base and it was hitting his legs in the same motion a baseball bat would do. Knocking him right over. He did that to himself for me. Because he was tired of letting her do that. Everyone knows my dad was in a wheelchair- but he wasn't until around that time. Thinking about that- what if it was my fault he was in a wheelchair. He took that abuse to his legs to protect me. And yet, i don't think i ever thanked him for that. My dad was my go to person for EVERYTHING. Now that he's not here i realize that. When my friends were in an argument, i went to him and he helped. When i was in a bad mood i would call him and he would make me laugh. When my mom left- he provided the extra love i needed. He replaced the gap she took when she left and he continued doing that until the day he died. What if my dad wasn't at McClaren Macomb hospital? Would he still be here today? What if i tried harder to make him go to the doctor when his pacemaker went off- would they have caught it in time? What if i got to say all i wish i could to him before he died- would i still feel guilty?
I lost my grandma. The one person who growing up always made sure i had everything i needed. When i was stressed out, or really sad- i went to her room sat in the chair in the corner of the room and watched her sleep peacefully. Her fragile 82 year old body lying there gave me strength because nothing i went through compares to anything she has. She's the strongest person i know. When everything was just overwhelming- looking in her big blue eyes always made me feel better. Now the only reminder i have of those big blue eyes- are the pictures i have hanging in my room. What if i my dad never died- would she still be here? Why did God take her away so shortly after my dad? Why couldn't he have spared me the pain of loosing them both that quickly?
I lost my sister and nephew. She texted me one day over the summer saying she was done with out family. I'm 16, and just lost my dad and grandma, it wasn't fair i had to loose her too. My nephew was the one reason i had a relationship with God that was so strong. I saw that little boy and my heart cryed to the Lord for help with him. I called him all the time and when i saw him he always yelled; "auntie beth!" I miss that voice. It made me feel like i mattered. Like i meant something to someone. I lost them and haven't had a conversation with them since and it's killing me that i can't call up Noah just to tell him that auntie Beth still loves him and hasn't forgotten about him.
I lost Kent- he was the only brother figure i had in my life- and he moved to Batten-rouge Louisiana for a job and i've seen him once in the last 4 months. He used to drive me crazy, but now i miss him like crazy.
I've lost so many other people. A pastor, grandma Ruth, my nieces Shiann and Alexis, friends, people at church.
How can i sit here and pretend that I'm not afraid of loosing anyone else? I can't- because I'm TERRIFIED.
Thinking about the people who mean the most to me; what would happen if i lost them too?
Rylee- my God daughter, cousin, favorite little girl in the world. What if something happened to her, and i never saw her again.
Nicole and Cherie- what if they moved away. What if they found houses in Florida and St. Marten and never came back? What would i do without them?
My aunt and uncle- I rely on them for everything. What if tomorrow they weren't here? Where would i go? Who would take me places i needed to go?
The Robinsons- what if they moved to Texas or Tennessee like they have been wanting for a while now. What would happen to church?
Mrs. Youngs- what if she got a job offer at Port Huron Northern? One she can't refuse since she drives 45 minutes to work and if she took the job it would mean a lot less driving time. I would legit never see her. The one person who makes my bad days positive- what would happen to that?
Pastor Lerrin- what if he moved back to Arkansas, where would i feel comfortable enough to go to church?
My best friends- Sarah, Yvonne, Felicia, Justine, Nicole, Kayla, John, Blake, Henry. What about in a little over a year from now when we are getting ready to leave for college. None of us are looking at the same colleges, so our friendships will be strained because of distance. My life is so filled with them- that i will feel honestly like crap when i have to say goodbye.
And God- i feel as if instead of gaining more knowledge of the Lord- I'm drifting far away. What if i drift far enough that it's impossible to get back to the closeness with Him.
All of these are not out of reason- they are all very possible. I can't stand the thought of what would happen to me if i lost a single person on this list.
So yeah, maybe i am pushing people away. I can't loose anyone else, and no matter how many times people say they won't leave me- they may have no control over it. I'm scared. And i don't know how to tell people other than by this. By writing.
I've been so depressed lately and i can't understand most of it. Some of it has to do with wanting to be with my dad and grandma, stress at home not only from family but from myself, stress with friends, school and thinking about the future. I guess i just stopped caring. I didn't care what people thought of me when they found out about homecoming- because i had a good time even though i went about it the wrong way. I didn't care what my friends thought of my when i told them i was tired of wasting my time living a life where nothing went right. I didn't care when my Christian friends would ask me a question about the Bible and even though i knew the answers, i shrugged my shoulders because i didn't want to think about God. I didn't care when the thoughts of suicide came in my head. I didn't care when i broke down in my room at the thought of who would actually come to my funeral. I didn't care enough that when i got sad i found happiness in drowning it away by going to bed instead of facing it.
People keep telling me that I'm dealing with the grief well. I guess i am in some sorts, but in reality- I'm doing what I've been doing since i was a little girl. I'm shoving it all; the pain, hurt and sadness, as far down as it will go lying to myself every morning saying I'm fine, and i can do it- just keep a smile on your face and you'll get through the day.
But today- it's different. I'm tired of hiding everything. It's come to the point that i can see what it's doing to my life and i want nothing more than for this depression to leave.
That's when i look at Kari Jobe. I don't think i've ever told anyone why Kari Jobe's my favorite singer. You see, most Christian artist sing songs about how we should praise God because of how amazing He is, which don't get me wrong- he is. But, Kari Jobe gets to the truth. She knows that sometimes Our God disappoints us. We feel like he does nothing right, and life gets hard. She gets it. She sings about how when she's broken and doesn't think there is healing that if she just trusts in the Lord, things WILL heal. Broken ends will mend and happiness will come back.
That's why she's my favorite singer. Not only does she have an amazing voice- but she sings the truth. The song that gets my attention every time, is Find you on My Knees.
"Troubles chasing me again, breaking down my best defence, I'm looking, God, I'm looking for you. Weary just won't let me rest and fear is filling up my head. I'm longing, God im longing for you."
Those are just some of the powerful lyrics in that song. It's true and it's whats on my heart right now. Kari Jobe does this thing to my life. When it all seems well, her songs just make me happy. But when i am broken- she makes me want to go to God for my brokenness to be healed. That's what i am focusing this week on. Finding answers. Finding hope. Finding the connection that i once had present again in my life.
So these are my goals for the next few weeks;
1. Learn to not push people away at the thought of loosing them
2. Find God.
It's a short list, but i know both tasks will be very difficult to accomplish- but i can do it, because just like when i was little, my dad ALWAYS helped me reach my goals. There's nothing stopping him from helping me now.
God, as i type this, i think of the last time i prayed. It's been a while. A while to long. I found comfort in you when things went bad, and you were my refuge. Lately, i've been so hurt that i haven't known where to turn. I need you to show me again why i fell in love with you the first time. I need to be reminded of connection we once had. Thank you for not leaving me Lord. Even though i feel distant from you; i know you will never leave.
Here's the video; Find You on my Knees by Kari Jobe
The first day of school was today, and honestly it was the best first day of school I've ever had..... Well except for the Pankow rain situation, hahaha.
I started the day off normally by getting like 3 hours of sleep because I can never sleep before the first day. It was weird how excited I was for the first day. Just to be in the place that has always been my safe haven. I think part of the reason I've had really good attendance is because I never wanted to stay home. School was something I would get really upset about ending every June. The absolute best part of the day was reuniting with my best friend Yvonne. She spent the whole summer in Mexico and just recently came back and every time we planned to get together something messed up. So the first day of school was gonna be the day I saw her for the first time in about 3 months. It was probably the best feeling in the world when I heard her scream, "Brendleeee" from down the hall. Instantly we were booking it down the hallway towards each other to reunite with a hug. It was so nice to see her again and she promised she would never leave for that long again hahaah. Having her back in my daily life, having my other best friends Sarah and Nicole in my second hour (sorry Mrs. Youngs hahahah) and having my Narwhale sister and Yvonne in my lunch just made the day perfect.
It was early in the morning when I was waiting to leave when I told myself; "You have an advantage over everyone at LCN today. You have two of the most amazing guardian angels in the world- and they will be with you every step of the way". Telling myself that even though sounds pathetic, made me happy and focused on reaching my goal of honoring my dads and grandmas wish to do my best.
A few months ago while going through a box of my dads stuff I found the most inspiring piece of paper I've ever had. It was a note from my dad to me in 8th grade. The note read; that's all I ask is for you to do your best. Keep going the way you are doing and you'll get to where you want in life - dad.That note gave me the courage to stride for more than my best everyday. A message we talk a lot about in church is hope; because Jesus is our hope for tomorrow. He's our promise. Until today, i believed it but hadn't experienced that feeling of true hope for brighter days ahead. April and May were rough- but now that it's September i can look back and see all the stages of grief i went through. It's not done. The cycle will go on and on but personally i think i've done a really good job to adjusting to this "new normal". I have really bad days but there is less and less of them. There IS hope for tomorrow because Jesus Christ gave up His life for me, because He loves me unconditionally, He's the father to the fatherless and because with Him ALL things are possible. There's a song in church that i fell in love with a few years ago. It's called Our God and is sung by Chris Tomlin. There's a verse in there that sticks with me like a tattoo on my heart. " And if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us- and if our God is with us then what could stand against us?" Those are powerhouse lyrics. Because truthfully- who is to tell us we can't reach our dreams? NO ONE. The lyrics can be used in so many different situations, but they make me smile and realize there is hope for tomorrow. So what ever is going on in your life- lay it at the cross. That's why Jesus died for us isn't it? If you're having trouble understanding something, or things just don't seem to be working out right, trust me. I may only be 16 but i know that laying down my burdens at the feet of Jesus is the only reason why in this storm of a life i have i can still smile. My prayer tonight is that i have more amazing days like this. Today was great. It's going to be a GREAT school year!
I've been thinking a lot today about this year. So many people have died. Not only personal people in my family but famous people. Bill Nye the Science guy for instance- he taught me so much in middle school and sadly he died this last week. Niel Armstrong, Whitney Houston, the famous Dave Jackson- why so many amazing people? Is something going on? Is this God's way of saying something is going to happen? That's when i ran across the thought of judgement day. We all know what that day will consist of.
Mark 13:24- 27 says; (This is Jesus speaking) "At that time, after the anguish of those days, the sun will be darkened, the moon will give no light, the stars will fall from the sky, and the powers in the heavens will be shaken. Then everyone will see the son of Man coming on the clouds with great power and glory. And He will send out his angels to gather his chosen ones from all over the world- from the farthest ends of the earth and heaven.
Matthew 24:4-8 explains a list of happenings before judgement day;
Many people will call themselves Christ.- This happens all the time. People saying that they are God. Dictators want their countries to idolize them- even though the Bible says not to idolize anyone other than God.
There will be wars; Nation will go against Nation- This is happening as i speak. The war in Afghanistan, Iraq, and many other places. Although war may be protecting us in the United States, it's still a sign from God.
Famines and earthquakes will happen in different places- Famine is something that is world wide. A shortage of food- for the children in Africa who go to sleep at night without food. What about the oil spill- that gave us a shortage of seafood. Earthquakes, natural disasters etc. you name it- it's happened. Right now as i speak hurricane Isaac is in action mode and destroying peoples lives.
People will have there religion used against them to a point of arrest and persecution. When i read this one i thought about protesters. Protesters for pro life get arrested all the time and they are doing it because they believe strongly in their faith. Persecution- it happens daily. If experienced it from people who don't know me well because i believe in God. They try to use it against you because they know it's the one thing that matters most to you.
People will betray and hate each other- i see this in school all the time. Best friends betraying each other because they don't like someone they are talking to. A boyfriend and girlfriend break up and all of a sudden they hate each other and say rude things about each other to people.
That's only a few from the Bible from both the book of Matthew and Mark. All of those things have happened. ALL of them. Judgement day could be any day and i ask myself- have you been a good enough Christian? The answer- sadly is no. I don't think i have. Sure, i have tons of community service, i try to put people before myself, i attend church every Sunday, lead the nursery, read the Bible, pray, preach about God, make lessons for STATIC and in general a good person. But is that enough? Truthfully, i'm scared that what i'm doing- isn't enough.
In the Bible it talks about what you have to do to get into heaven.
Have you ever lied?- yes, everyone has whether it was when you were 5 or last year it is still a lie. What do you call when someone tells a lie? A liar.
Have you ever stolen something? No- but that's because i know the difference between wrong and right. What do you call a person who steals? A thief.
Have you ever used God's name in vain? yes. I don't mean saying cuss words with God following it but things as simple as; "oh my God". I've said it before, everyone has. When you use God's name in vein, it's called blasphemy
Have you ever looked at someone who you were not married to with lust. I'm not sure about this question. I'm a teenager, i don't have those kind of thoughts but when your with a group of friends and the subject of guys come up- there is a lot of inappropriate talk. Even though i don't talk in those conversations my ears are still listening to the things being said. Even as a teenager you compare guys saying their hot or not so i can't answer this question personally- but i do know a lot of people who do lust. In the Bible what do they call someone who lusts? An adulterer.
Have you had sex out of marriage? Nope, and it's not happening. Just because i'm making decisions like this doesn't mean my own friends have made the same decisions. I know a lot of people who think they found Mr or Ms right, have sex with them and a few weeks later are single. A lot of people don't know this about me but at the end of my freshman year i decided that i wasn't going to date until i was out of high school. To many things can happen and get my attention off of my future. So far i've lived up to that and am proud of the choices i make for abstinence. When you have sex out of marriage you are called a fornicator.
Those are some of the Commandments. With that said, i am a lying blasphemy person. That's not too bad. Now taking into consideration of one of my sisters. She is a lying thief blasphemy adulterer fornicator. When i asked her if she thought she was going to heaven or hell, she said heaven- because even though she's made mistakes she's a good person. I don't think that's true. Look at what she is. She broke the commandments. I myself have broken commandments. Everyone has.
Now thinking about those topics do you think you're going to make it into heaven or hell? Honestly- i'm not sure.
This blog is probably the deepest and most personal blog i've wrote about because this subject has been on my mind for a while now. This is the reason i want to be a youth minister. Teenagers need the most guidance in the spiritual journey. I don't want the life my sisters have for anyone. This subject is something that i'm passionate about- it's something that i keep looking for more information on. It's a message along with abstinence that i want to share.
God only knows when the day will come where we will be in front of Him and he will tell us what will happen from there. I've made mistakes- remember i've lied and i've used Gods name in vein- but i'm a good person!
So lets say there's a person who is drunk and kills an innocent passenger of a vehicle. Because of this persons decisions- this person has been ripped away from their family. That doesn't just mean parents- it means children, husband and wives also. Because of the drunk drivers choice- someones life was ended early. This is not a false story. It's happened personally to two people i know. What do you think than? Will God let this drunk driver go to heaven or hell- even though the drunk driver may had been a good person. I'm not sure- and sometimes not having the answers in life are scary.
God gave us this life. it's up to us what we do with it. Just like money, you can waste it or you can turn it into a life full of success.
I've been SO busy the last 5 weeks with doctor appointments, trips, ortho appts, church activities, youth group and time to spend with my friends that i haven't blogged- but now i'm back and my schedules starting to slow down giving me a perfect time to blog :)
As many of you know, the last time i blogged i was sitting in my hotel room in Custer South Dakota, preparing to go rock climbing. Wow was rock climbing one of the most amazing things i've ever done. Besides the cute little chipmunks running around everywhere, i had my closest friends with me with these HUGE rocks. Although the climb to the top was challenging at some parts, when we came back down and looked from the ground how far we got, it felt accomplishing. Here's a pic of the mountain;
The day after rock climbing, we went caving. We were in the second largest cave in the world. The scariest part was when our ranger turned all the lights off and we couldn't see anything. It was fun and weird at the same time. The cave is already second largest in the world and the ranger said that the cave can determine a lot of things like whether, and volume and they have only found 15% of the total cave which i thought was interesting. Down under 350 feet the temperature was 49 degrees- cold compared what we were used to in South Dakota. That evening we also went to Mt. Rushmore.
Me, Christen and Kendra ion front of Mt. Rushmore! :)
South Dakota was amazing. I loved the little town shops and the people, they were so friendly. We definitely had a lot of laughs in South Dakota but of course most of them were caused by Ian and he blamed in on the time change. The next day, we drove 7 more hours in our charter bus to Colorado Springs, Colorado.
What happened in Colorado is unexplainable. It was absolutely the most amazing 3 days of my life. Imagine this. A church; New Life Church. 6,000 people. 6 speakers, 6 bands and singers, 7 sessions, two early morning prayer meetings and ONE GOD. Sounds pretty cool right? Hahahah, plus meeting my favorite singer? I honestly haven't felt as close to God as i did at Desperation. The first countdown was when i knew things were about to become amazing. The Desperation came out and started playing a song. thousands of teens on there feet arms open wide worshipping God. Words cannot explain how emotional it was. To see some of my closest friends got on their knees and sob broke my heart and made me a wreck. I just explain the greatness of God that showed up in that church. I'm definitely going back next year. I wanted to share one of the most amazing parts of the week. Besides Kari Jobe praying over me, she also made me feel at peace with my dads death. It was the night after she prayed over me and she was leading worship so of course, i got as close as i could. Kari Jobe and Jon Egan were singing the song; Strong God by the Desperation Band. The opening lines are; Father to the fatherless, defender of the weak. I don't know why but that song totally made me just break down. I hate crying in front of people but i couldn't help the mad rush of tears flowing from my eyes. They were endless. I had to walk back to my seat where my friends were sitting who instantly started praying over me. 8 people holding me praying loudly telling me the words my heart needed to hear. I was speechless so they had no idea what was happening to me. Later that afternoon when i actually caught my breath, i told those 8 people that were surrounding me why i was a wreak. I'm attaching the song below.
Home sweet Home
It was an amazing trip- but i was glad to be home. Immediately i went back to my super busy schedule. Representing YFC in speeches, youth group 2 times a week, church plus the million of other things going on. The first week that i was home i went with Sarah to the Italian Festival which was like the funniest part of my summer by far. Sarah's Italian- very Italian and she is in love with anything Italian. First we went to dinner and of course she got spaghetti ahahah. Than we walked around downtown Mt. Clemans enjoying the Italian culture. She then came back to my house and we just lounged around the rest of the day. I was so glad to spend time with her again after a few weeks of being away from home!
Last week, she came over again. We were in my kitchen when all of a sudden this HUGE bee came flying by us. If you know me well you'll know there is three things i will run and scream from. 1. spiders 2. bee's 3. snakes. I hate them SO much. We jumped up and went screaming down the hall way into my room only to be on the ground laughing really hard. Sarah decided that we were on a mission to kill the bee. So she raided my closet for appropriate "bee killing clothes" It consisted of a hoodie, sweat pants and a scarf for our faces. We also grabbed one of my Bibles so the killing of the bee would be "holy". ( as you can see teenagers have really weird imaginations still) We walked out of my room James Bond style to chase the bee and throw the Bible on it. It worked the bee was dead. Lol, i even said a prayer for it than picked up up in a paper towel and threw it away. Here's a picture of us inn our bee killing clothes;
I seriously would not laugh as much as i do without this girl <3
A few days ago, my friend Nicole and i went to Partridge Creek to just hangout. Well we spent a lot of time in the apple store taking pictures lol
Yesterday, my cousin and i woke up early to finally take my grandma and dad to their final resting place. Before we did this; we filled a necklace with my dads ashes, and a little urn;
There ashes are now in the same cemetery that my grandpas are. Right next to each other. The cemetery is in East China Michigan. It's a really pretty location and i know that they would love it. My dad took me here often to visit my grandpa and always commented on how beautiful it looked with the marble wall and the trees surrounding it. I feel as if this is the final piece in my heart that needed fixing- it gives me final closure to know that they are there- right next to my grandpa.
This summer has been amazing. I just got my schedule yesterday- and surprisingly i'm pretty happy with it :) Schools just around the corner. There are some medical things i have to take care of before school starts but i'm looking forward to the first day :)
