A letter to everyone

Dear friends,

The last few months as you know has been very hard on me, with everything that has happened. Recently, I joined a grief support group through my church and it was recommended I write a letter explaining my journey with grief. Since writing is something I love, I thought I’d give it a try.

The death of my father came to me as a shock, as I write this I replay sprinting down the hallway of McClaren Hospital at 12:21 am, only to be told by the doctor that my dad was dead.  It was like a scene from a movie; when there is family sitting in a room crying and confused, awaiting the doctor for the results. Myself only being 16, things started instantly hitting me not giving my eyes a break from the mad flood of tears that were coming out.  Things like who’s going to be at my graduation, whose going to walk me down the aisle when I get married and even who are my kids going to call grandpa?   I was angry, and hurt by the actions God had taken in my life.  My dad was the only parent I had left- what was I going to do without him? I felt like I had no-one.  I honestly miss my dad. I miss everything that we did together, and I even miss the stuff that used to drive me CRAZY.  Every morning before school, he would call me, and when I got home I would call him. Every Wednesday, I rode the bus to his house to help him do stuff around the house, since he was in a wheelchair.  I would sometimes cook dinner for him too; he taught me everything I know about cooking and baking. On weekends, when I would spend the night over there, he would always teach me some of his recipes. I miss his cooking. My dad was really the only parent I had growing up.  Sure, I had a mom- but she was in my life only as she pleased. While she was in and out of mental institutions for either suicide attempts, anger management or schizophrenia- my dad stood by my side making me feels better when I missed her. He continued doing that until the day he died. The evening before my dad died- he called me from the hospital and when we ended the call he said three words that he sparingly said; “I love you.”  That was the last thing he ever said to me. When I think of that- I smile.  He called ME and told me he loved me. I think he knew that something was wrong. I am SO grateful and thank God that I was home, and able to answer the phone call. Father’s day was rough…. Really rough. I found myself wanting to stay in bed under the covers where no one could see the tears covering my pillow. I kept getting angry at the fact that he wasn’t there with me.  As the day went on it got better.  I went with my family to my cousins and we had fun tubing, fishing and swimming on the lake.   I miss my daddy a lot.  I just can’t begin to explain how much I miss him. I find myself often searching for scents of his colognes, or his deep laugh that always made me laugh, or even something as simple as an umbrella at the dock he always fished at.  I know that he is pain free, and able to walk again. He’s up in heaven with both of his parents, one of his sisters, and even one of his grand-daughters. He may be gone- but I am blessed to keep him in my heart forever.  As many of you have seen, I wear his ring around my neck.  My parents recently got divorced, so it isn’t his wedding ring but instead a ring that meant a lot to him considering my sister and I gave it to him.  I’m blessed to have known such an amazing father.  I feel better knowing that most likely at this moment he is probably fishing with his dad up in heaven.

My grandma, wow do I miss her. I believe that I was more prepared for her passing since she was on hospice for about a year. My grandma truly was my second mother. She taught me things that a normal mother would teach her daughter. She taught me about God, and the Bible and she gave me words of encouragement when my life seemed flooded with negativity. My grandma was down and to the point.  When she didn’t like something- you would definitely know about it. She loved to argue; especially with my uncle about politics and Obama- jeesh did she despise him. When she would get agitated over the smallest things she always had this cute expression on my face that made me laugh. She was so sweet- and even though she would always threaten to hit us grandkids with a fly swatter, she loved us all. My days consisted of taking care of her. Whether it was filling her coffee, giving her a bath, emptying her commode, getting her dressed or even cutting her finger nails- I was always by her side. I miss having to be needed by her. I miss her eyes- they were baby blue. When I looked in them I found comfort, I found peace, I found the love of a mother was deprived of as a child, and most of all- I found strength. When I was younger, we would sit on the sliding glider and she would sing to me my little sunshine…. I miss that. Out of everything she has done for me, I know she loved me.  I know she appreciated every time I helped her. I know she knows I loved her, and enjoyed seeing her smile when I would help her. I know she’s happy in heaven.  Taking care of my dad since he’s probably too much of a handful for the angels. I know one thing for sure- heaven will be super clean with my grandma around!

If there is anything I’ve learned over the past few weeks- it’s that as time goes by, the pain never goes away; but you have to find ways to deal with the pain. Finding ways to let yourself be sad, to let yourself cry because you miss them. I’ve learned that grieving is definitely okay. It doesn’t make me weak.  It makes me human.  When I cry the tears are proof for how much I loved my dad and grandma. It’s not ever easy to lose someone close- I’m going to cry, and be sad.  I’m going  to frequently want to be by myself so I can recollect myself when I feel like I’m falling apart. I’m going to need time.  God only knows how long I will grieve. Things are looking up.  I’m teaching myself how to look around in my new room and smile at all the memories I have in there instead of cry.  I’m learning that my dad and grandma may not there physically but they are proud of who I am becoming.  I know now that when I walk the stage for graduation- they will be there; they will be sitting front seat smiling, clapping and having tears in their eyes just like every other parent in the room.  I know that they love me. Every person that receives this letter has helped me in some way with this hard time. Whether it was by sending me an email, card, giving me a hug or even just a smile when I was frowning letting me know you cared- thank you, because it made me realize I’m not alone in this crazy world.  Because I have all of you.

Everyone keeps telling me that if I need anything don’t hesitate to ask.  I’ve come to realization that I do need something. I need prayers. Please pray that every day I gain more strength and more understanding of my grief. Please pray that my family is doing the same. 

Through every mess God has given me, he has always provided a message.  I started a journey-a journey of grief. It’s not a trip I planned; but it’s a trip I must take.  I am blessed to know that I’m not on this journey alone.

-Elizabeth 

This past week

This past week has been by far the most amazing week of summer- well except for Tuesday.  

It all started last Tuesday. I joined my churches grief group.  I wasn't anticipating it because who really wants to sit in a room with people who are 4 times your age and talk about death?  But it was so much better than i could have ever expected. Yes, i was by far the youngest one there, but i felt comfortable with all of the people because we all had something in common. We watched a video about the seasons of grief, and through out parts of the video i was thinking in my head, "woah! Thats exactly the way i felt".  It was a cool experience and i'm glad i got over my doubts of going. Right after that i went to my church to volunteer for MCREST.  MCREST is the Macomb County Rotating Emergency Shelter Team.  Pretty much- it's an organization that takes in homeless people.  Women, men, teenagers, infants- even whole families. The first night there i got there in time to help put the towels and washcloths on their beds before they got back to the church.   When  i walked into the sleeping room- my heart sank.   There were about 32 mattresses that were maybe 2 inches thick.  With one pillow, and one blanket.  These people were only allowed to have two suitcases of everything they owned.  TWO suitcases.  That includes their prized possessions, clothing, memories and for the teens and children school supplies.  They have a set schedule of things to do.  They are fed three times a day and have to sign up to take showers. They have to ask for their medication and they have to get their bags checked every time they enter the church.  I understand the rules are reasonable- but they have NO freedom.   It made me SO sad to meet some of the people MY age who are there. To see them not able to see their friends, or have fun like other kids do. The first night i was there i found my spot for help was with the children. Especially the babies and toddlers.  I can't say names on here as part of the MCREST rules- but there was a 10 month old baby whose mom only yelled at her to shut up and was getting very stressed out.  I offered to watch her for a while.  I took her to the cafeteria and we played with basketballs and we colored and played tag.  Then there was a little 3 year old boy who wanted to join us.  It was nice to see them smile and as the evening went on all of the little ones were with me just laughing and smiling.  It felt good to have some part in seeing these innocent little kids smile.  That night i went to bed with a heavy heart because of what i saw.

Wednesday night i returned to help. This time instead of getting involved with all of the kids i was sitting at a round table with about 5 other people including Mr. Robinson and we had a Bible study.  One of the girls that was my age was there and we talked openly about different parts of the Bible and about how even though they are in a crummy situation- Jesus can provide a better future.  It was so amazing to see the outlooks on life that these people had.  They have nothing- but they live like they are on top of the world.  Not carrying what anyone else thought.  It was amazing. I got home around midnight and decided to go back once gain the following day.

Thursday- i got their earlier than expected and helped cook the meal.  It felt good to be a part of something that these people would enjoy.  That night i was all over the place.  Playing with the young kids until about 9:30 when they went to bed, and then in another Bible study until i had to leave knowing that i would never see these people again.  It was sad.  I had only known these people for such a short time but some of them opened my life to so much.  I couldn't help but tear up as i said my goodbyes to everyone. But i knew- that God would keep them safe.

Friday i got up super early to make my way on the Youth For Christ Rafting Trip.  It was a LONG drive, but it was well worth it when we got on the River and went rafting.  It was  a beautiful day.  My raft which was Denny, Tim, Noah and I came in first place. Everything about the rafting was amazing.. The view, the people the stories and the nature.  After rafting we made our way back to the camp where we set up tents showered and sat around the campfire.  It was so fun to reunite with people i knew from the previous years and meeting new people.

Saturday was by far my favorite day again.  It was when we would participate in Silence in Solitude.  A day where we would hike into the woods and be alone for a few hours to spend time with God.  My time was precious.  I was reading the book of John and i came across a verse that said  "Jesus WEPT"   Jesus was sad because of the death of his friend Lazarus.  I felt as if God had me read that verse to realize that it's definitely okay to grieve- because Jesus himself did.  It was just amazing.   The rest of the day we climbed the rock wall and did whatever.  The day ended with Dirk getting drowned in shaving cream, which was hilarious!

Sunday i was dreading the day. I  didn't want to say goodbye to everyone.  But we did and i came home to Rylee at my house.  I spent the whole evening outside with her and her brother just hanging out.

I spent the night at her house and hung out with her all day.  Made cupcakes, and played dress-up with her.  It was a good day.

Tuesday- wasn't so hot.  I don't know exactly what i ate, but i got food poisoning- which was horrible.  I'm better now- and still having a great summer. Looking forward to going to my grandparents on Saturday to spend time with family from all over and most importantly- my mom.

Feeling truly blessed <3

Rafting 2012

Tomorrow (Friday) I'm leaving chesterfield to go up north to the Pine River. I'm going rafting with Youth For Christ and STATIC students. I'm looking forward to camping with all of my friends and most of all the silence in solitude. Last year when I went on this trip I came back to know that my mom had left and was not coming back. It was a nightmare. And honestly I am SO glad to wrap that year up and move on with the rest if my life This year has been by far the hardest year of my life. I'm glad to say that it is over and I'm moving onto better days. So, since there is no electric outputs in the middle of the woods I won't be able to blog about the amazing time I am having. I'm looking forward to sharing stories and pictures when I come back. Have a great weekend- I know I will! <3

Just a Fish, or a message?

Sunday- i woke up in this dreary fog.  I only wanted to stay in bed. My alarm clock went off at 7:30 so i could get ready for church but i was honestly dreading  it.  It was celebration Sunday on fathers day.  We were celebrating the baptisms that were held the week prior, the new members of our church, the children getting dedicated to our church and graduates. But they were also celebrating fathers day.

When i walked into church i felt a little relieved knowing that i wasn't scheduled that week to work in the children ministry- because my heart wasn't in it. As we were standing in the foyer, my friend Ian and i, there walked in my friend Tori's mom's fiance.  His shirt read; Detroit Mercy Dad. That right there just put me in a mood that i didn't want to be there, i wanted to be home alone in my bed starring at the ceiling. Anywhere. Just not there.

I was in a mind set that the day was going to be horrible just because.  And it was for a while.  It was the worst day I've had in a while.  On the drive to Clarkston with my family, i layed down in the back seat and fell asleep and when we arrived, i acted like i was still sleeping so they would leave me alone.   They did for a while. Then came as everyone calls her; "grandma Tola".  She came out to the van to talk to me when she found out i was still in the car.

Grandma Tola is 91 years old, she still drives, she lives on her own, she is in such good health that she continues to do water aerobics 3 times per week.  She's truly remarkable at her age.   She reminds me so much of my grandma.  They were both about the same height, they had the same hair although grandma Tola dies her hair still, they both devoted themselves to no religion just a Christ follower.  They both lived a very tough life, but they were still standing strong.  Grandma Tola came out and i got up and we started talking.  She told me that she loved me and that even though today was bad that as long as someone loved me i would be okay.  She told me about how her husband died, and how she was in the same state of mind i was in. We just started talking and she looked at me and said, "  You are loved by everyone out there, everyone sitting around the table, in the house or in the yard.  You are impossible not to love because of how much you love everyone."  That made me feel a little better so we agreed that i could get through the day.   I was still feeling like crap so when we got out back where everyone was, i sat in the corner on the bench hoping the day would soon be over.

Then came the kids.  Saying happy pa's day, or what ever else they called it.  I quickly walked over to the hammock so people wouldn't see me cry.  I pulled out my phone and sent a message to the only person who i knew could make me feel better.  It worked.  As every message came in i found myself feeling a little better so i finally walked back to the patio grabbed a fishing pole and went fishing, My cousin Jason and i were fishing right off the dock, not more than 3 feet out.

I literally mumbled under my breath; " I miss you daddy"  and we got a bite. The fish was HUGE.  Jason and i yelled for Jacob to get the net. It was a large mouth bass, that was at least 9 lbs.  That was a sign to me, that my dad was with me.  And i couldn't get my smile off my face for the rest of the day.

After the bass, we took pictures and then we put him back into the water. We fished some more and caught about 5 more fish within an hour. Than dinner was ready so we put away the poles, ate and then went out on the boat, tubing and water skiing.

The day got better, but because of a fish.  It's honestly the weirdest thing that something as simple as fish can make me gain so much happiness.  When i uploaded the picture of the fish onto facebook, the next day my cousin told me that when she saw the picture she immediately heard my dads laugh.  That made me smile..

I guess it's okay to feel sad about my dad sometimes- because it is a sad event that occurred in my life.  But i have to know that even when I'm sad- God is still there- and so is my dad.

Today, I'm getting ready to go to a grief group through my church.  I'm feeling good about everything, but there are still some things I'm keeping inside of me that i need to get out in order to move on with my life completely.  I'm not sure how this grief group is going to work out- but God put the opportunity in front of me and i am grasping anything he gives out.   Praying for good results tonight, and for closure with my pain.

Jacob, Jason and i with the fish :)

Fathers Day

If you would have asked me a few months ago what my plans were for today- i would have said that i was going to spend the day with my dad fishing swimming and talking at the peer in New Baltimore. But that was a few months ago. If you ask me today; what are your plans for today..... I would answer that i'm going to Clarkston to spend time with family- but in the back of my mind i want to say that im going fishing with my dad. I have been thinking of this day for a few weeks now- and it's starting to make me miss him. Yesterday i told myself just forget that it's fathers day. Just act like it's any other day. I was determined to get through the day happy and focused on having fun with my cousins. But last night- Rylee stayed the night and she came to lay down with me and started talking about daddy's day. I just listened to hear what her creative 3 year old mind had to say- but deep down i started thinking about my dad. Than she asked the question that made me choke up. "Where's your daddy?" And then she followed the question with "Uncle Robby died, but he left you here" And i just stayed silent hopeing that she would think of something else to talk about- but she didn't. She asked who my daddy was going to be for "daddys day" as she calls it. She didn't change subjects and started asking about my dads body. We've explained to her before about him being in a bix upstairs because he was cremated- but she still asks over and over again. So i told her the process one more time. She started asking questions about Heaven and who was all up there and thats when i got up turned off the lamp and told her it was time to go to sleep. I couldn't do it anymore. It was hard trying to explain death to Rylee and even harder to realize that i was explaining to her my fathers death. I had a dream last night about my dad. We were sitting out in New Baltimore under his umbrella fishing when my pole got a bite. I realed it in and it was a Pike. He was exstatic. Than i woke up- but that dreamed jut right away put me in a place i didn't want to be. Sad. I HATE feeling sad. I'd rather feel ANYTHING but sad. Because for every other emotion you can do something to get over it. When i'm angry i bake, when i'm tired i read, when i'm annoyed i play guitar etc. But when i'm sad there's nothing i can do to be not sad anymore. I try to think about happy things and then i realize that those happy things will never happen again. I miss my dad. I really do. I miss him calling me in the mornings to tell me something that wasn't even important. I miss thinking about when i was younger how he always jmade me sit down and finish my homewor before i went outside to play. I hated it than but really it has helped me keep my prioritys straight ever since. I remember when i was younger- my favorite singer was Shania Twain. I loved her music because it was always upbeat and made me laugh when my mom would sing to it. I loved country- but my dad hated it more than anything in the world. He used to mimic it by singing- swing your partner round and round kick em' in the butt and nokc them down" I would get SO mad that he would sing it really loud and i could't hear the song. I remember when i was younger and i broke my collar bone. All the way to the hospital all i wanted was my dad. Because i knew he could take the pain away by making me laugh. All of those things that make me seem happy really make me long for him because they are never going to happen again. I've been having a really good summer so far, but it's like everyone forgot him. Forgot what happened. Forgot that i am still hurting just deep down inside. When something makes me think of him i try to ignore it or when people start talking about him i just nod my head and act silent. But i can't forget. I can't forget walking into McClaren Hospital at 12:19 two minutes after he was pronounced dead. I can't forget sprinting down the hallway trying to get to ICU as fast as i could so i could see him. I can't forget when everything hit me at the funeral and all i wanted to do was throw up. I can't forget it. Fathers day isn't just another day. It's a day that i will never get to share with my dad again. It's a day that every year i am going to get sad on. It's a day that i'm gonna realize how much he truly meant to me. What bothers me the most is how people take forgranted their moms, dad and grandmas. I've said some mean things about them to my friends- just like any other teenager when i was mad at them, but i appreciated them. People don't understadn how truly blessed they are to have both of their parents. Because i have none. Yesterday, i got a call from this ACT thing talking about my PACT score. When they called they asked for my parents. I didn't know how to answer. I just said "not really" and he said he would call back later. My response- made me think about how i have no parents. And to be completely honest- It sucks. All of my friends at one time or antoher have said something along the lines of; "omg i hate my mom... or omg i hate my dad" But without parents it sucks. I know people would think oh- no parents? AWESOME. But no, it's not awesome. I would give anything to have my dad or my mom back. But i can't. My dad is dead and my mom is meantally disabeled. So for the rest of my life i will have no parents. My kids won't be able to call my parents grandma and grandpa, their kids won't know them as nana and papa. Nothing like that. So today; i'm not going to try and act like everyhings okay. Because it's not. Nothings okay. I just have to cope with this life of mine not being okay. I've done pretty good so far. If there is one thing i could change about my friends- is that they would realize how blessed they are. How blessed they are to have a real family. I would do anything to know how a real fmaily feels. People say it gets easier- and it has. But on days like today, Thanksgiving and Christmas- it's going to hurt. My prayer this fathers day is that my dad knows that i love him, and will never forget him.

Summer 2012

Summer at 10:40, officially starts tomorrow.  I am SO ready.  I need something to look forward to.  Something that will hopefully make me feel so much better. This summer i am determined to be the best summer i have had in years.  On June 24th of this year, it will conclude one year of my life that has made me fight for every single step I've taken.  June 24th 2011 my mom left.  Since that day, life has gone crazy.  It seemed like when things were getting better- they would make a wrong turn again.  BUT- there is sun shining in the darkened parts and everyday it gets a little brighter.

Starting the 11th and 12th of this month- my summer will be amazing.  I have a little cousin; Jacob who's 11.  He lives in Clarkston and he is graduating elementary school and going to middle school.  For his last year at elementary the teachers at his school found an organization that they wanted his fellow classmates to help with.  It's called A Space 2 Dream.  This organization finds young kids, and teenagers who have gone through traumatic events and they provide them with a place to call their own.  

Jacob put in (with his mom Cherie's help) and letter and-  June 11th and 12th i am being kicked out of my house so they can redo my bedroom.  I am SO excited! It's going to be so cool to see the interpretation the organization and my family has of my put in my bedroom.  It's something that i can smile and be happy about.  It's someplace that when i'm sad i can go to because it's combined with all the stuff i love.  

So- that's a GREAT kick-off for summer.  Than shortly after, i am going to the annual Youth for Christ rafting trip.  This is the same trip i went to last year- but this time i am going there so much more prepared.  I  had a lot of fun last year and am anticipating the fun we will have this year.

Following the trip, my nephew Noah is being baptized, and i am becoming his God-mother.  I love that little boy with all of my heart- and am so excited to see him grow into a young Christian boy.

Following that, my cousin Haleigh is coming in from Wisconsin to my grandparents lake so i get to spend a week with her- AND i'm bringing my two best friends; Sarah and Felicia. And during that week, i get to see my mom for the first time in forever.

Those are just the beginning of my plans.  I have a Desperation Youth trip to Colorado and South Dakota in July, I'm going to Maryland, and so many other places.  Not to mention that i have Link Crew, STATIC and knitting club over the summer!

My plans for the summer will continue to grow.  I am trying my best to make sure that i am doing something away from my house everyday.  I need to make sure that i don't let my mind wander to my dad and my grandma to much.  Because i want this summer to be full of excitement and fun- not sadness.  Neither my dad or grandma would want me upset about there passing.

I'm excited to take my last final tomorrow- I'm not excited to say goodbye to some people though.   I think this year more than any i have really found who my true friends are.  They are the one's who stuck by my side through everything I've been through. They are the one's who skipped school to come to my dad's funeral.  They are the one's who pick up the phone at 1 am to me bawling.  It's gonna make me sad to say goodbye to them. I will see them this summer but with everything going on- I'm not gonna be able to see them everyday- and I'm gonna miss them.

It's not just my best friends who I'm going to miss.  It's a lot of people .  I think the person i am going to miss the most this summer- someone who i see everyday and go in help every 6th hour is Mrs. Youngs.   You honestly helped me SO much this year as well as last. When everything was going on i was really concerned about my homework.  You collected it and emailed it to me.  On the day of my grandmas funeral- you were there with my Link Crew acceptance letter.  Putting a smile i didn't even know i had on my face.  Did you know that my own mom didn't make it to her funeral?  It hurt she wasn't there but seeing you took time out of your schedule for BOTH of the funerals i had to be at makes me realize how much i appreciate EVERYTHING you have done for me.  It's people like you that make hardships, a lot easier to deal with.  I've told you this probably a thousand times over the last two years- but i am SO thankful to have you in my life!  I anticipate knitting this summer at Panera with you so i can show you pictures of my summer! :)

And what-else I'm going to miss- is my dad and grandma.  It's time i let them go.  I've been holding onto them not wanting to give them up afraid of being hurt.  I haven't let myself grieve to much about my grandma and dad because I've been telling myself that they never left.  They have- I've just been holding onto them.  But it's time to let go.  Time to set them free from my heart and my mind and my thoughts.  I feel them with me.  I love them and i know they love me.  I'm hanging onto the advice and words of wisdom I've received over the last two months.  I CAN do this.  I can make it through this CRAZY roller coaster. I can- and in the end i will come out on top with my grandma and dad applauding me from heaven.  God took away two of my biggest supporters in life- and gave me guardian angels in return.

My dad is up in heaven, able to walk again, without a wheelchair. He is with his mom, dad and sister.  He is with his best friend who he witnessed being shot in the service.  He is reliving all the time he spent being an amazing father fishing.

My grandma is probably up in heaven having a fit that we threw out load of her old bank statements- but it's okay because she was so cute when she got mad- Lol.  She's probably cleaning since that's all she seemed to do- until the week of her passing she loved to clean.

Grandma, daddy- you know i love you.  But in order for me to move on with my life- i need to get rid of the pain.  I need to realize that you are both okay in heaven and watching over me. You guys will always be on my mind and in my heart- but i just can't think of the bad memories.  As Mrs. Ruiz says- look for the joy; so i am looking for the joy in everything we did.  Using the memories of us fishing, or sitting on the porch swing singing; "My little Sunshine" to make me think of you.  I love you guys and you will be in my heart FOREVER <3

I hope that every one's summer is amazing- and i can't wait to come post about mine!