Just a Fish, or a message?

Sunday- i woke up in this dreary fog.  I only wanted to stay in bed. My alarm clock went off at 7:30 so i could get ready for church but i was honestly dreading  it.  It was celebration Sunday on fathers day.  We were celebrating the baptisms that were held the week prior, the new members of our church, the children getting dedicated to our church and graduates. But they were also celebrating fathers day.

When i walked into church i felt a little relieved knowing that i wasn't scheduled that week to work in the children ministry- because my heart wasn't in it. As we were standing in the foyer, my friend Ian and i, there walked in my friend Tori's mom's fiance.  His shirt read; Detroit Mercy Dad. That right there just put me in a mood that i didn't want to be there, i wanted to be home alone in my bed starring at the ceiling. Anywhere. Just not there.

I was in a mind set that the day was going to be horrible just because.  And it was for a while.  It was the worst day I've had in a while.  On the drive to Clarkston with my family, i layed down in the back seat and fell asleep and when we arrived, i acted like i was still sleeping so they would leave me alone.   They did for a while. Then came as everyone calls her; "grandma Tola".  She came out to the van to talk to me when she found out i was still in the car.

Grandma Tola is 91 years old, she still drives, she lives on her own, she is in such good health that she continues to do water aerobics 3 times per week.  She's truly remarkable at her age.   She reminds me so much of my grandma.  They were both about the same height, they had the same hair although grandma Tola dies her hair still, they both devoted themselves to no religion just a Christ follower.  They both lived a very tough life, but they were still standing strong.  Grandma Tola came out and i got up and we started talking.  She told me that she loved me and that even though today was bad that as long as someone loved me i would be okay.  She told me about how her husband died, and how she was in the same state of mind i was in. We just started talking and she looked at me and said, "  You are loved by everyone out there, everyone sitting around the table, in the house or in the yard.  You are impossible not to love because of how much you love everyone."  That made me feel a little better so we agreed that i could get through the day.   I was still feeling like crap so when we got out back where everyone was, i sat in the corner on the bench hoping the day would soon be over.

Then came the kids.  Saying happy pa's day, or what ever else they called it.  I quickly walked over to the hammock so people wouldn't see me cry.  I pulled out my phone and sent a message to the only person who i knew could make me feel better.  It worked.  As every message came in i found myself feeling a little better so i finally walked back to the patio grabbed a fishing pole and went fishing, My cousin Jason and i were fishing right off the dock, not more than 3 feet out.

I literally mumbled under my breath; " I miss you daddy"  and we got a bite. The fish was HUGE.  Jason and i yelled for Jacob to get the net. It was a large mouth bass, that was at least 9 lbs.  That was a sign to me, that my dad was with me.  And i couldn't get my smile off my face for the rest of the day.

After the bass, we took pictures and then we put him back into the water. We fished some more and caught about 5 more fish within an hour. Than dinner was ready so we put away the poles, ate and then went out on the boat, tubing and water skiing.

The day got better, but because of a fish.  It's honestly the weirdest thing that something as simple as fish can make me gain so much happiness.  When i uploaded the picture of the fish onto facebook, the next day my cousin told me that when she saw the picture she immediately heard my dads laugh.  That made me smile..

I guess it's okay to feel sad about my dad sometimes- because it is a sad event that occurred in my life.  But i have to know that even when I'm sad- God is still there- and so is my dad.

Today, I'm getting ready to go to a grief group through my church.  I'm feeling good about everything, but there are still some things I'm keeping inside of me that i need to get out in order to move on with my life completely.  I'm not sure how this grief group is going to work out- but God put the opportunity in front of me and i am grasping anything he gives out.   Praying for good results tonight, and for closure with my pain.

Jacob, Jason and i with the fish :)