Fathers Day

If you would have asked me a few months ago what my plans were for today- i would have said that i was going to spend the day with my dad fishing swimming and talking at the peer in New Baltimore. But that was a few months ago. If you ask me today; what are your plans for today..... I would answer that i'm going to Clarkston to spend time with family- but in the back of my mind i want to say that im going fishing with my dad. I have been thinking of this day for a few weeks now- and it's starting to make me miss him. Yesterday i told myself just forget that it's fathers day. Just act like it's any other day. I was determined to get through the day happy and focused on having fun with my cousins. But last night- Rylee stayed the night and she came to lay down with me and started talking about daddy's day. I just listened to hear what her creative 3 year old mind had to say- but deep down i started thinking about my dad. Than she asked the question that made me choke up. "Where's your daddy?" And then she followed the question with "Uncle Robby died, but he left you here" And i just stayed silent hopeing that she would think of something else to talk about- but she didn't. She asked who my daddy was going to be for "daddys day" as she calls it. She didn't change subjects and started asking about my dads body. We've explained to her before about him being in a bix upstairs because he was cremated- but she still asks over and over again. So i told her the process one more time. She started asking questions about Heaven and who was all up there and thats when i got up turned off the lamp and told her it was time to go to sleep. I couldn't do it anymore. It was hard trying to explain death to Rylee and even harder to realize that i was explaining to her my fathers death. I had a dream last night about my dad. We were sitting out in New Baltimore under his umbrella fishing when my pole got a bite. I realed it in and it was a Pike. He was exstatic. Than i woke up- but that dreamed jut right away put me in a place i didn't want to be. Sad. I HATE feeling sad. I'd rather feel ANYTHING but sad. Because for every other emotion you can do something to get over it. When i'm angry i bake, when i'm tired i read, when i'm annoyed i play guitar etc. But when i'm sad there's nothing i can do to be not sad anymore. I try to think about happy things and then i realize that those happy things will never happen again. I miss my dad. I really do. I miss him calling me in the mornings to tell me something that wasn't even important. I miss thinking about when i was younger how he always jmade me sit down and finish my homewor before i went outside to play. I hated it than but really it has helped me keep my prioritys straight ever since. I remember when i was younger- my favorite singer was Shania Twain. I loved her music because it was always upbeat and made me laugh when my mom would sing to it. I loved country- but my dad hated it more than anything in the world. He used to mimic it by singing- swing your partner round and round kick em' in the butt and nokc them down" I would get SO mad that he would sing it really loud and i could't hear the song. I remember when i was younger and i broke my collar bone. All the way to the hospital all i wanted was my dad. Because i knew he could take the pain away by making me laugh. All of those things that make me seem happy really make me long for him because they are never going to happen again. I've been having a really good summer so far, but it's like everyone forgot him. Forgot what happened. Forgot that i am still hurting just deep down inside. When something makes me think of him i try to ignore it or when people start talking about him i just nod my head and act silent. But i can't forget. I can't forget walking into McClaren Hospital at 12:19 two minutes after he was pronounced dead. I can't forget sprinting down the hallway trying to get to ICU as fast as i could so i could see him. I can't forget when everything hit me at the funeral and all i wanted to do was throw up. I can't forget it. Fathers day isn't just another day. It's a day that i will never get to share with my dad again. It's a day that every year i am going to get sad on. It's a day that i'm gonna realize how much he truly meant to me. What bothers me the most is how people take forgranted their moms, dad and grandmas. I've said some mean things about them to my friends- just like any other teenager when i was mad at them, but i appreciated them. People don't understadn how truly blessed they are to have both of their parents. Because i have none. Yesterday, i got a call from this ACT thing talking about my PACT score. When they called they asked for my parents. I didn't know how to answer. I just said "not really" and he said he would call back later. My response- made me think about how i have no parents. And to be completely honest- It sucks. All of my friends at one time or antoher have said something along the lines of; "omg i hate my mom... or omg i hate my dad" But without parents it sucks. I know people would think oh- no parents? AWESOME. But no, it's not awesome. I would give anything to have my dad or my mom back. But i can't. My dad is dead and my mom is meantally disabeled. So for the rest of my life i will have no parents. My kids won't be able to call my parents grandma and grandpa, their kids won't know them as nana and papa. Nothing like that. So today; i'm not going to try and act like everyhings okay. Because it's not. Nothings okay. I just have to cope with this life of mine not being okay. I've done pretty good so far. If there is one thing i could change about my friends- is that they would realize how blessed they are. How blessed they are to have a real family. I would do anything to know how a real fmaily feels. People say it gets easier- and it has. But on days like today, Thanksgiving and Christmas- it's going to hurt. My prayer this fathers day is that my dad knows that i love him, and will never forget him.