35 things I'm grateful for.

Am i the only teenager who feels like our society is so caught up with Facebook  twitter and football that we forget to take a step back and look at all we have?  For as long as i can remember, Thanksgiving has been lost between Halloween and Christmas. People don't realize what they have, and aren't grateful. I find myself getting so busy with my own life- that i don't appreciate the little things.

I'm thankful for.....

• My life.  The fact that i can wake up every morning able to get out of bed on my own, to spend a pointless amount of time straightening the curls out of my hair, to be just be able to BREATH on my own.  I'm thankful for that.
• The Stars.  I'm thankful that where i live the stars are very visible and they bring me peace and comfort knowing that my dad and grandma both looked at the same stars. 
• The sun.  Especially on a cold winter day.  I love the fact sunny warm weather and and so thankful we don't live in a place like Alaska which gets zero benefits from the warm sun. 
• Sarah.  I'm thankful for having you as my best friend.  You're the one person who i know will be there for me though anything. You're like my sister. When we're together we probably look like we're on crack- but you get me.  We're crazy.  Sometimes, we're stupid. Nothing matters when I'm with you.  I can tell you the most deepest darkest things and you do nothing more than wipe away my tears and say you'll always be there for me.  I honestly don't know what i would do without you.
• Yvonne.  My "sexy Mexi"  (you need a new nickname) You're legit like my mom. Your one of the first people i go to for advice because you always make me calm down when somethings going wrong. Your one of my best friends and i admire how put together you are.
• Ian. I remember the first day i met you. I was in 5th grade. You were the shy kid who never really talked much in youth group.  Then we went to cedar point, it was a little over a year later and it was me you and Kendra.  You opened up, and ever sense you have been my best guy friend. I remember at my dads funeral how you came in late, because you had spent the whole day at your grandpas funeral.  The fact that you even came, honestly just makes me realize how much of an amazing friend you are. Even though you're a  pre-med freshman at Wayne which consumes most of your time, i know you're always here.  I'm so thankful to have you in my life. 
• Justine- My Narwhale Sister for life <3  Hahahah, i can't even remember all of the inside jokes we have. I do remember how our first conversation included hangers, and how we're both obsessed with cream sickles. Hahah, you honestly don't even know how funny you are. Omggg, my 16th birthday. We were upstairs in my room watching Insidious.  Ian and i were laying on the couch, you and Henry on the floor, Felicia, Haley and John on my bed and Sarah and Yvonne in the chair.  My aunts dog came upstairs and you literally screamed bloody murder.  That was probably THE funniest day of my life. 
• Rylee. You're too young to read this, but one day i'll probably tell you these exact words. You're the most amazing little girl i know. When i'm having a rough time i'll think of you, and say "Am the person im acting like the person i want Rylee to look up too?" And i quickly get things figured out. My day to day actions are somewhat in reaction to the person i want you to know me as.  I don't have much left in my life to keep trying for, pretty much you're the reason i'm still fighting in the crazy world. I seriously love you with every being in my body.  
• My family. There's too many of you to do an individual bullet for, but each one of you no matter how many times we get mad at each other have stood by my side and i couldn't be more thankful for the family i have.
• My dad. I'm thankful because i had 16 years with you.  They may have had their ups and downs, but they were what made me who i am.  Even though you're not here, i think about you constantly. If i could give up everything i have just to see you again, i would.  Nobody will ever understand me the way you did.  You were my protection.  I was never afraid of anything when you were around because you always seemed to fix anything that wasn't right.  I love you daddy, more than life itself.
• My grandma <3.  The sweetest, amazing, most caring 82 year old around.  You were my strength.  My rock.  My refuge. Its not often you find someone that has survived as much as you.  You will always mean the world to me grandma. I love you too the moon and back <3
• The Robinsons. I'm thankful that you've given me the perspective on what a real family looks like. You've brought me out of my darkest moments to the feet of Jesus.  You've been there with my every step of the way. You've never left.  I love you guys so much <3
• Mrs. Youngs. You're like this ray of sunshine at LCN. The first day i came in your classroom, to be completely honest- i was terrified of you.  You never came across as mean or anything, you were just sooooooo happy, loud and energetic and i thought you were crazy lol.  I still think of you as crazy as times, but not in a bad way and I'm proud to say that I'm no longer scared of you :)  Hahaha, just thought I'd clear that up.  I'm so thankful for the blessing God gave me when he put you in my life. I guess He really does know whats best for me :)  I know sometimes i act like a total moron and am totally unfocused and spend too much time laughing about the spice girls then i should be (sorry about that :/) But- at the end of the day, i know you're still there for me whenever i need you and you'll never understand how much that means to me. So, thank you :)
• My teeth. Only one person who reads this will understand why I'm grateful for my teeth, hahhaah- but i am!  Even though braces suck, and make my mouth hurt- I'm thankful for my teeth.
• Writing. I'm thankful that i have the ability to write.  I'm not too good at writing, but it's one of the only ways i can truly express myself. It's may way out sometimes. 
• Kari Jobe.  I'm thankful for her voice, her lyrics and the fact that i got to meet her and have a conversation with her. I'm thankful that God showed me His love through her.Her songs are the way I'm holding onto God right now. In my crazy life i loose sight of what really matters alllllll the time.  She brings me back.
• My church. I haven't been there in a while, but it's a place that i wish i was at when things go bad.  It's the place i feel i matured most at. It's the place that accepts me for being a broken person.  I love my church, and love that the people in it all have a huge heart for God.
• Leaves.  Sounds stupid, but leave are one of my favorite things to take pictures of. They are all unique and different- yet all so beautiful.  My favorite time of the year is fall, because of leaves changing colors.
• Hope.  I'm thankful for the word hope.  It has so many dimensions to it. Hope is a word i find my self hoping to hear. Hope is what gets me through some of the hardest times. 
• My hair.  This is weird, i know- but i'm thankful for my hair.  Thankful that i have it, and that no matter how much i straighten it it still grows back fast. I'm thankful that i have the opportunity to donate my hair ever 16 months, to kids who aren't as blessed as i am for my hair. 
• The woods.  I find myself when im in a bad situation going into my back yard and walking in the woods. When i feel like no one can hear me sometimes i just scream.  The woods represent so much in my life.  I love being out there and finding new things. My favorite time to go into the woods is in the winter because there is a few ponds that freeze quickly so i can bring my ice skates with me.  I spend hours out there whenever i get the chance. 
• LCN.  Even though sometimes schools the last place i want to be, at least i have the opportunity to go to such a great school.  We have some amazing teachers there that will help us in what ever ways needed. I'm thankful to have a close place to go to get my education.
• Memories. I'm thankful for memories.  They keep my dad and grandma alive in my heart. I'm thankful for memorable items that once belonged to my dad and grandma.  I'm thankful to have had those memories with them.
• Element. Element is the name of my youth group.  We're about 350 kids strong.  That right there- is AMAZING. Those teens are my family.  I love them SO much.  They are my best friends and I'm thankful for the opportunity to know them. 
• Noah.  I'm thankful for such an amazing nephew. Although i haven't seen him in quite sometime, i love spending time with him- and i miss him yelling; "auntie Beth" whenever he saw me. I don't think many people understand the impact little kids can make on your life.  I've learned so much from Noah.  I've learned how to just be there for him when he's upset or talk to him when his life is chaotic. I only hope that one day, this little boy will be a great father- and learn that just because he grew up in a bad environment  he doesn't have to live that way forever.
• Renewal Christian Counseling.  I'm thankful for them giving me the help i need to deal with my grief and depression. 
• Haleigh. I'm thankful to have a cousin like Haleigh.  She's the closest female in my family by age.  She's taught me so much on not caring what people say about your religion because in the end, it's not them who matter.   Haleigh is Mormon and gets criticized because of it all the time. People still believe the stupid jokes about how Mormons believe in have multiple wives, and other harsh things. She lets that go in one year and out the other.  She knows it's not true.  She's amazing. She's a sophomore at BYU, which is a Mormon college and I'm so thankful for her guidance in life. 
• Lindsay.  A girl who i met at Camp Cavell who literally made me sob every time she started talking.  Our lives are in so many ways similar, and some of the things that has just happened to me, happened to her about a year ago.  We talk almost every day, and she can understand completely what i'm going through. I'm SO thankful i had the chance to meet her. 
• Dayne Liberty.  Not many people know who he is.  But my friend Sarah and i do.  He was a student at our school, but only for a very short time.  He died during our freshman year of high school.  He lost his battle of cancer. Both Sarah and i think of him often.  I'm blessed to have known him.  In a few days it will be two years that he will be gone.  He's amazing, and will forever be in out hearts. 
• The color yellow.  I'm thankful for yellow.  The color just makes me happy.  That's another reason why its the color on my walls. It makes me happy, and its hard to be sad when your surrounded by such a bright color. 
• My friends. I'm thankful for all of my friends. The one's listed and the one's not listed. I'm thankful for them being there with me every step of the way. For never giving up on me.
• My enemies. There's very few. And even though this is killing me writing this, i'm thankful for the 3 of you.  You have shown me what a real friend does not do. You have made me look at who i am as a person.  You have made me grateful to have great friends.  You have taught me how to keep going on with my life, even when all you want to do is let the words of people affect you. I'm thankful that i found out the real people you were, before we became good friends.  And i'm thankful that i know better to never give you a second chance. 
• To live in America. I'm thankful to be an American.  To live in a land that both my father and grandfather fought in. To have the basic freedoms that many women don't have. 
• This blog.  This blog is a place for me to let out feelings, and a place to express myself.  I love being able to go on here and just vent.  It's one of the best things i'v ever started. 

There is 35 things that i'm thankful.  I know there is more, but that's enough for now. This list- is short.  I'm thankful for so many other things not even listed here. My life, has been blessed with many amazing things.  I'm thankful for all of them.  This Thanksgiving is rough, but im thankful for every second of it.  Happy Thanksgiving! <3

A Burden.

Yesterday, Tuesday- was a really bad day. I was exhausted, and didn't understand anything that was going on in school. It dust improve when I got home either. Instead of staying after school for STATIC like I normally do, I came home and passed out on the couch until about 5:30.

I woke up because the phone rang, it was my mom. I've been trying to get a hold of her for the past few days just to talk, but she's always busy. Whenever I call her, most likely to tell her something that happened that day, she answers saying; "I'm busy, I'll call you back later." which never happens. It makes me angry how she's the only "parent" i have left, and yet it feels like she has no time for me; and most of the time it seems like she doesn't even try to make time for me. I haven't talked to anyone about her in a while, and i guess you could say that's a good thing. Her life seems to be on the right track lately. Tonight when we talked for the first time in a few weeks, she told me how she's really trying.  She told me how she was finally going to fulfill the Christmas wish I've wished for ever since i was a little girl.  She quit smoking. She has for a while now, and decided to tell me now because she wanted to make sure she could do it. I think it's awesome and I'm so proud of her and she's also committed her life back to trying to make good decisions.  I am really happy for her, but at the same time i don't want to get my hopes up because she's done this all before and then came a little bump in the road and she went right back to her ways. To be honest, when she told me this news, i was a little disappointed that it took her this long to get her life on track.  I wish more than anything my dad could have been alive to see her like this.  She seems happy, and i haven't heard the happy tone in her voice in a longgggg time. If only my dad knew, he would be so proud of her.  He was her number one fan. 

Lately, it's really been bothering me that i feel like I'm a burden on soooo many people.  I know they don't feel the same way, or at least i hope so.  A perfect example is my mom.  Sometimes when something really good or even bad happens i just want to talk to my dad.  But i can't, so i call my mom.  And then i get rejected. I just want to hear her voice sometimes to know that she's still here.  Still breathing.  Still alive.  To hear her voice gives me this calm relief feeling. I don't know why, it's weird, but it does.  I don't call often, and I've tried to call at times she said would be convenient to her, but it just never works out.  It makes me feel like crap, when i really wanna tell her something good and she says I'm busy I'll call you later.  Most likely, what i was going to tell her wouldn't take more than a few minutes but it's like those few minutes don't matter, because she has her own life.  Thinking about that puts me in this; "why did you have to leave a year ago" mood. Like i just said, she has her own life.  One that I'm rarely included in.  Does the people she talks to day in and day out even know she has a daughter? It hurts thinking that they probably don't.  Even though i HATED when my dad used to brag about my grades, and just me in general i miss having that feeling knowing you pleased your parents.  Maybe I'm letting her down. I don't have a 3.9 gpa anymore, i don't volunteer as much as i used to anymore, i don't always try my hardest at everything anymore.  Am i disappointing her? Am i disappointing my dad? I used to care so much about everything.  I used to study for hours and hours for tests, that doesn't happen anymore.  Am i letting my parents down? I don't want her to brag about me or anything, because it is embarrassing but i want to be able to call where she lives and say, "Is Carol there, it's Elizabeth" and not be asked who i am.  Am i that much of a burden that people can't even know about me? When she left did she want to leave her past, or just me?  The people she lives with surely knows of my dad, it's just me they have no clue about and it hurts. 

It's not even just her.  It's everyone.  My family; they all have families and are so busy, that i don't want to call and interfere with their lives. My grandparents;  as a lot of people know, for Thanksgiving day, i always go to Wisconsin.  Except for this year.  I found out today, that I'm not going to be able to go. When my grandpa called me, he said he was really sorry it just wouldn't work out because my grandma's Alzheimer's. He couldn't pick me up on Tuesday because her schedule was so demanding and she was getting to the point where she couldn't drive on her own.  So unless he picked me up on Sunday, and missed school on Monday, it wasn't possible to pick me up.  I'm not mad he can't pick me up, i mean he can't control my grandmas Alzheimer's.  It just sucks knowing that everyone in my family will be gone Thanksgiving, and I'll be home alone. The first real holiday, without them- will be spent with myself, and 3 dogs..... wonderful right?  I'm totally looking forward to Thanksgiving more than i was before :P 

It just seems like, no matter who it is, they each have their individual lives, and i feel uncomfortable taking any time out of theirs.  So lately, I've tried to keep to myself. The hardest part is when people ask me if I'm okay, and i have to respond with, "I'm just tired".  Yeah, I've been really burned out lately, but behind my tiredness is a whole bunch of pain and struggling.  I just can't seem to talk about it anymore.  

My sisters, my nieces, my nephews, my great nephew, my friends and just problems in general- there's ALWAYS something going on.  Drama,drama,drama,drama, drama. I've come to HATE drama.  People can't just let something go, and it puts so much more stress on a person when that happens. 

When i got too overwhelmed with things; like this whole week, i always called my dad and told him EVERYTHING.  I never worried about taking up his time, because he let me know he would be there for me 24/7. I know people say that if i ever need something, they're just a text/phone call/email away...... but are they really?  Maybe it's just me, but i don't think anyone sincerely thinks that. They try to be there for me, but like i said earlier- everyone has their own individual lives. Their own individual families.  Nobody has time for a lost, scared, and depressed teenager.  Except my dad. 

I miss him a lot today.

Last night, i had a 3-8 shift at work and when i came home since i was exhausted from school and work, i came home and crashed. I woke up around 8:30 and ever since i've just felt drained. I'm not tired, but i dont have any motivation to do anything. I'm just in an annoyed mood and keep thinking about my dad.  When i got up i got my favorite fuzzy blanket and curled up on the couch and watched the last song.  That was a bad mistake.

The whole story of the movie revolves around the relationship of a man and his daughter.  And the dad ends up dying in the end. I think it hits me that he's really gone at the worst times.  It's my day off of school and work and now i feel like crap.  The plans i had for today; homework, clean, have sarah come over, and give dogs a bath have been scratched and now im following my new plans. 1. bum around my house in my pj's all day (it's already 1:30- so far so good) 2. complain about how cold it is (check) 3. sleep (check)

I hate days like this.  I can't find the strength to get motivated.  I just wanna see my dad.  I feel as if the death of him has hit me, but sometimes the pain gets back into my mind.

It's almost Thanksgiving.  Last night when i was going over cupcake plans for thanksgiving with my aunt, it hit me- oh yeahhh wait.  My dad will never spend a Thanksgiving with me again. And to be blunt; IT SUCKS. 

Why me?  I keep asking myself and a few others that ALL the time.  I always get the same responses; you'll never know, it's in  Gods hands.  Or something like that.  I get that but it still doesn't take the pain away. 

I want to know that things are going to be okay.  Even if a thousand people tell me they are, unless one of those people are my dad, than i'm not going to believe anyone. 

I just feel lost.  I feel like i don't even know who i am anymore.  When you loose your mom,dad, and grandma you not only loose people who you love you loose your identity. 

Everything about my identity is somehow related to my dad.  My name; my dad picked it after my aunt Betty. If it wasn't for him my name would be Marlise. My last name, Brendle- was his last name.  When i was born it was Hoffmanner, but it was changed to Brendle.  My friends call me Brendle because i tell them that i hate my real name, and i do.  Because it was my dads name for me.  Even at work, i ask them to call me Beth like my family does instead of Elizabeth.  It sounds stupid, i know- but Elizabeth was the name my dad picked out for me and i miss the way he used to say it.  I think that's why i prefer people calling me Carmen, Beth or Brendle- because those names weren't picked by my dad so they don't make me think of him. 

Earlier this week, i found out some things about my dad. Don't get me wrong, i'm so glad i found out and it makes me feel better knowing some things about him- but it hurts knowing that i had to hear it from my uncle instead of my dad.

I'm not really sure where my emotions are at today.  I can't get my dad out of my head and i keep seeing him in the hospital bed.  I just want today to be over, so i can continue on with my life.  I just really, miss my dad today.