Yesterday, Tuesday- was a really bad day. I was exhausted, and didn't understand anything that was going on in school. It dust improve when I got home either. Instead of staying after school for STATIC like I normally do, I came home and passed out on the couch until about 5:30.
I woke up because the phone rang, it was my mom. I've been trying to get a hold of her for the past few days just to talk, but she's always busy. Whenever I call her, most likely to tell her something that happened that day, she answers saying; "I'm busy, I'll call you back later." which never happens. It makes me angry how she's the only "parent" i have left, and yet it feels like she has no time for me; and most of the time it seems like she doesn't even try to make time for me. I haven't talked to anyone about her in a while, and i guess you could say that's a good thing. Her life seems to be on the right track lately. Tonight when we talked for the first time in a few weeks, she told me how she's really trying. She told me how she was finally going to fulfill the Christmas wish I've wished for ever since i was a little girl. She quit smoking. She has for a while now, and decided to tell me now because she wanted to make sure she could do it. I think it's awesome and I'm so proud of her and she's also committed her life back to trying to make good decisions. I am really happy for her, but at the same time i don't want to get my hopes up because she's done this all before and then came a little bump in the road and she went right back to her ways. To be honest, when she told me this news, i was a little disappointed that it took her this long to get her life on track. I wish more than anything my dad could have been alive to see her like this. She seems happy, and i haven't heard the happy tone in her voice in a longgggg time. If only my dad knew, he would be so proud of her. He was her number one fan.
Lately, it's really been bothering me that i feel like I'm a burden on soooo many people. I know they don't feel the same way, or at least i hope so. A perfect example is my mom. Sometimes when something really good or even bad happens i just want to talk to my dad. But i can't, so i call my mom. And then i get rejected. I just want to hear her voice sometimes to know that she's still here. Still breathing. Still alive. To hear her voice gives me this calm relief feeling. I don't know why, it's weird, but it does. I don't call often, and I've tried to call at times she said would be convenient to her, but it just never works out. It makes me feel like crap, when i really wanna tell her something good and she says I'm busy I'll call you later. Most likely, what i was going to tell her wouldn't take more than a few minutes but it's like those few minutes don't matter, because she has her own life. Thinking about that puts me in this; "why did you have to leave a year ago" mood. Like i just said, she has her own life. One that I'm rarely included in. Does the people she talks to day in and day out even know she has a daughter? It hurts thinking that they probably don't. Even though i HATED when my dad used to brag about my grades, and just me in general i miss having that feeling knowing you pleased your parents. Maybe I'm letting her down. I don't have a 3.9 gpa anymore, i don't volunteer as much as i used to anymore, i don't always try my hardest at everything anymore. Am i disappointing her? Am i disappointing my dad? I used to care so much about everything. I used to study for hours and hours for tests, that doesn't happen anymore. Am i letting my parents down? I don't want her to brag about me or anything, because it is embarrassing but i want to be able to call where she lives and say, "Is Carol there, it's Elizabeth" and not be asked who i am. Am i that much of a burden that people can't even know about me? When she left did she want to leave her past, or just me? The people she lives with surely knows of my dad, it's just me they have no clue about and it hurts.
It's not even just her. It's everyone. My family; they all have families and are so busy, that i don't want to call and interfere with their lives. My grandparents; as a lot of people know, for Thanksgiving day, i always go to Wisconsin. Except for this year. I found out today, that I'm not going to be able to go. When my grandpa called me, he said he was really sorry it just wouldn't work out because my grandma's Alzheimer's. He couldn't pick me up on Tuesday because her schedule was so demanding and she was getting to the point where she couldn't drive on her own. So unless he picked me up on Sunday, and missed school on Monday, it wasn't possible to pick me up. I'm not mad he can't pick me up, i mean he can't control my grandmas Alzheimer's. It just sucks knowing that everyone in my family will be gone Thanksgiving, and I'll be home alone. The first real holiday, without them- will be spent with myself, and 3 dogs..... wonderful right? I'm totally looking forward to Thanksgiving more than i was before :P
It just seems like, no matter who it is, they each have their individual lives, and i feel uncomfortable taking any time out of theirs. So lately, I've tried to keep to myself. The hardest part is when people ask me if I'm okay, and i have to respond with, "I'm just tired". Yeah, I've been really burned out lately, but behind my tiredness is a whole bunch of pain and struggling. I just can't seem to talk about it anymore.
My sisters, my nieces, my nephews, my great nephew, my friends and just problems in general- there's ALWAYS something going on. Drama,drama,drama,drama, drama. I've come to HATE drama. People can't just let something go, and it puts so much more stress on a person when that happens.
When i got too overwhelmed with things; like this whole week, i always called my dad and told him EVERYTHING. I never worried about taking up his time, because he let me know he would be there for me 24/7. I know people say that if i ever need something, they're just a text/phone call/email away...... but are they really? Maybe it's just me, but i don't think anyone sincerely thinks that. They try to be there for me, but like i said earlier- everyone has their own individual lives. Their own individual families. Nobody has time for a lost, scared, and depressed teenager. Except my dad.
No comments:
Post a Comment