Simply Be

I've been starring at a blank canvas, anticipating this blog. I’m so excited right now. 

Lately I've been in a mood that words can't fully express how great it is. 

Have you ever felt so invincible that you were suddenly nervous, anxiously waiting for the bad thing that must be following soon? And then a little time passes, nothing yet… and finally you find yourself not even waiting for the bad but instead enjoying the many good things that's going on. 

Lately i’ve been trying to think of a good way to describe how i’m truly feeling. It’s something unexplainable. I’ve never felt so happy in my life.  Moving from a place where I was seen as an object that wasn’t capable of have feelings, to a place where people truly see me… they listen to me… they want me there. It’s one of the best feelings in the entire world. 

I think part of the reason for this is not only my new living arrangements, but the people i’ve learned to surround myself with. From day one, i’ve truly had the same best friend. Ian’s always been my best friend since 5th grade, and these past two years haven’t changed that, they made that friendship even stronger. It’s odd actually, yesterday we volunteered with our youth group and watching all the younger kids was so weird for us because we were such a big part of that youth group in the past years, and now it’s almost as the passing of the torch. Through that time, we’ve never gotten into a true fight. It drove me crazy because I was trying to think of at least one fight, but had no luck. It made me smile though. It’s how things should be. 

I titled this blog “Simply Be…” because it makes so much sense to me. We can simply be and do anything we try hard at. 

To be honest, i’ve been preying SO hard, to find happiness. I prayed for it for a long time. My prayers never were answered and I got angry with God because I just didn’t want to be sad anymore. So, I slipped. I messed up, and began doing things I swore I never would. I began a trail of destruction, which has since come to an end. I chose to follow in my moms footsteps you could say, and although it initially made me hate myself more, it numbed the fact that I couldn’t get happy. It wasn’t something many knew about either, mostly people who I thought were my friends, until I chose to stop doing what they did. Supposedly Ian knew the entire time, so it wasn’t worth me freaking out when I came clean and cried for hours with him. 

The fact of that is, when Ian and I talked that night…. We talked about finding happiness. His words were “Just simply BE happy” I thought about that for days upon days… and then it hit me. 

This entire thing, i’ve been trying and trying to have God bless me with being happy, when all along…. All I had to do was pray, wait and just simply let it happen. I fought it, and didn’t want to wait. 

Recently I watched a video on Facebook where someone used a dark purple Gatorade to represent the wait that we all have through prayer. 

The concept of the video was to show how our life may be in a  dark place right now-but God shines down his blessings all around us… but it takes some time for us to see. So in the video he put the bottle of Gatorade under the sink and let the water run into it, and although it took time, it eventually was clear….. The dark place just seemed to disappear. 

I didn’t give Him the time to do what he needed to… instead of running on His timing, I tried running on mine which didn’t turn out so well. 

To simply be, to me…. Means to let go and truly let God. 

Lately i’ve been realizing so many amazing things about life, that it’s almost all so hard to comprehend. There are so many things you learn in your 4 years in high school, but it’s not until after high school that you learn to put that knowledge into use, and gain so many new understandings. 

I’ve learned to adapt. From being kicked out of my home, and moving from house to house… sleeping on couches, chairs and mattresses on floors. I’ve learn to adapt to it and make the most out of it. Who else can truly say that they’ve gone mattress surfing? Adapting takes time, but it becomes easier when you focus on all the good instead of all the bad. It’s amazing how being in such a positive environment makes that task so much simpler. 

I’ve learned to never let people tear me down. Why let them? If they're tearing me down, they are truly missing out on an opportunity to watch me do amazing things in life. If someone has the time, and even the will power to try and make me feel horrible, the jokes on them because they are the ones who need help. There’s no point, because those people… like my family, are just sad lonely people. They aren’t lucky enough to see the good in the bad situations. To those people…. I feel sorry for you. 

I’ve learned to let myself open up, and let myself fall… hard. Not like letting myself fall on the floor, that’s stupid, hahaha. I mean “in love”.  I think with fear, comes the anxiety of relationships… but when you kinda let things just fall into place, you realize that you don’t just love a person anymore, you’re IN love with them. This is probably the most personal thing i’ve ever posted, but at this point I already feel too giddy and happy to care :)    As my tweet went last night; “It’s funny how when you think you can’t love someone any more than what you do, and then you completely fall head over heals for that person all over again- and it’s now falling in love.” What makes me actually really happy about this, is that if you took away everything…the normal relationship stuff; the labels, sex, intimacy and just stuff like that…. At the core is a bond that holds a friendship like no other. Hahahah, I guess i’m just a sap lately and I think this is why:) 

I’ve learned that sometimes, you need to put yourself first. This I will admit is very much easier said than done. I still need practice, but i’m working on it. Recently I wound up in a predicament where I couldn’t say no to anyone and I completely wore myself out. My body and mind was exhausted and I collapsed at the place I work and ended up in the hospital. It was at the very moment that the iv was getting placed in my arm that this statement made so much sense to me. I’ve never minded getting my blood drawn, I actually have it done often, but getting stuff injected into my skin creeps me out. I knew that i didn't need to be in that predicament if it wasn't for me never being able to stay no.

Al those these are only a couple, these are just some of the lessons I've learned recently. 

Everyday, my goal is to "simply be" whatever i put my mind too. 

Simply BE happy<3 

Loving with conditions.

Have you ever found yourself at a grocery store looking for something that was canned, and you pushed aside the can with a dent in it and picked up the more "perfect" looking can? I have. 

But.... why?

What's so different about the can you pushed aside? It has dents.... the label may be ripped... but are the insides contaminated or anything? ....No. 

The worlds a messed up place, and for many reasons.... but one is being that nobody loves unconditionally.... they love with conditions. Like the can, people don't choose to be friends with the people who appear to have the "dents" or differences in them. Should a girl who wears heavy black makeup and clothes be judged as a bad person because of what she looks like? Or the girl with the hole in her sweat pants... is it right for us to judge her? 

It's like a story in the Bible that i was just talking about with Ian last night. In the bible there was a women who was being accused of being basically a tramp. Men from the city were planning on stoning her to death, and Jesus intervened. He said "Those whom do not hold sin in their heart may throw the first stone" All the men dropped their stones. Each and everyone of them had sinned, so why did it give them a right to judge this women if her sin was no smaller nor any greater than theirs. After the men walked away, Jesus told the women to go on with her life, but to sin no more. 

I love that story, but wish that life could be more similar to the way Jesus had it planned... where instead of loving with conditions and limits, people would love people for themselves and their character, morals and personality. 

In our own way, we're all the cans with the dents that are left up on the shelf. Nobodys life is easy nor perfect.  So why judge someone when they could be one of the greatest people you've ever met:) 

Is family ultimately that important?

An exciting weekend coming up for me, as I'll be traveling down to the University I'll be studying at the coming fall. Last year around the same time, i went to a "Junior Expedition" where all juniors interested met at the campus, stayed over night in dorms and attended chapel, classes and meetings with professors. After the first 15 minutes of being on campus, i completely fell in love and felt like i finally belonged somewhere. This past summer, i applied and got accepted. It was one of the most emotional days for me because i was SO proud of myself in those few seconds. Now, I'm going back down for an activity similar to the last but this time being called "senior expedition".   The purpose of this expedition is to find potential roommates. I can't even begin to explain how excited i am to be going back. I leave Thursday, and will be coming home on Sunday.

The expedition ends on Friday, but after there's a concert with a few really good bands so Ian is driving up and we're attending the concert as well! Then we're spending the night at my grandparents since the concert will be ending pretty late and heading back Sunday morning! It's gonna be a great couple of days and I'm excited to meet some of the girls I've talked to online that have made the same choice about Spring Arbor!

I can't get it out of my head that my high school career is almost up. I can't believe that the past four years.... which has carried so much pain... hurt.... joy and fun is coming to an end. These past 4 years have been nuts, but i made it. Maybe with scrapes on my knees, but it's here in not to many more days. It's astonishing and overwhelming at the same time.

It's times like these, when i realize how proud my dad would be of me. For making it, the first in the family.

While good things are coming, also is the 2 year mark since the last day i spent with my dad. That blows my mind more than anything, that it's been two years. It still feels like yesterday, and every moment of the day i got the news still plays in the back of my mind.

Sometimes, to be honest.... i get really angry at my dad. For leaving so soon. I still recall about a year before he died, right after my mom left i had to drive my dad to the doctors because he was having a hard time breathing. The doctor told him while i was in the room that if he didn't start taking better care of himself, that he wouldn't be there to watch me graduate, or to walk me down the isle. That's the first time i was truly scared about my dads health. Then a year later, the doctor was right. He wouldn't be able to walk me down the isle... or send me off after graduation. He lost his battle to heart disease. I know it's not right to get angry with him, but sometimes i don't know how else to express everything.

I think the reason why it makes me angry so much, is because he left me when i didn't have anyone. I've stated once before that my family is falling apart at the core, and now... the damage is done. There is no family. The family i thought i once had, isn't there and it made me realize and question if they truly had ever been there.

I think about the question a lot.... is family truly as important as the world possess it to be?   My answer; no. To some, they will completely disagree with me, and that's okay. It means that we've been raised in different ways. Some people have a great relationship with their family, for me the people i had the most meaningful relationships with... are gone.

Family are those who are gonna stick by your side no matter what choices you make in life. They're are the people that aren't only there to support during the good times, but during the bad. And they are the people who even when you could have the worst attitude, are still there at the end of the day. In my actual family, who do i have that's like that? Besides my grandma Rosemary, my uncle and one cousin..... no one. So sometimes i get angry with my dad.... because he was my rock. Through every argument, he was still there and never left. Even after my mom left, and i treated him horribly because i blamed him... he still loved me and made sure that i was doing okay. He always pushed me to do better than my best in everything, and to never give up. At first sight, he saw something in me different than my sisters and lived through his last day showing me all of the potential i have.

It's funny actually that I'm blogging about this tonight, because just moments ago i was being talked about in my kitchen by two family members. They were talking about how i have two low grades right now.... not failing, just not my normal A or B. One even had the nerve to say; "I hope she doesn't graduate so she realizes what she doing to her life"... the others response... " I hope she does graduate so she leaves my house"  That right there- is true love by family members, and just another reason why i get so mad at my dad. Because he left me with this to deal with.

I don't have a shoulder to cry on when I'm too overwhelmed with my family anymore.... i have this blog, which sometimes i don't even know where to start.

I can sit and look at my life, and yes... my life has been pretty crappy. But, my life isn't horrible. I've seen a handful of bad days, but I've also experienced some of the best days. That's one of the things that keeps me going. The hope of those good days.

Those good days are created by my real family.  The one's who stayed up late with me while i cried on the phone after my mom left, and the ones who wrote me little pick me up notes for my first day back to school after the death of my dad and grandma.. for the ones who were apart of my room makeover, and the ones who cried along tears of happiness for me when i opened my Spring Arbor letter. Sarah, Yvonne, and Bree. The worlds most amazing, loyal and supportive friends.  Those are who i consider my family.

Those three girls and i head off to Florida in 21 days, and I've never been more excited!

I meant to blog about my trip to Detroit but never got the chance to, so i figured I'd throw it in here! :)  About two weeks ago, Ian and i had the privilege to go down to the D with one of our youth leaders and attend the "winter jam"  christian concert at the Joe Louis Arena! It was AWESOME. We got to see about  9 different performances from various bands and singers and it was a really great time! I love being in Detroit, although for someone who isn't too good at not worrying, riding the people mover wasn't the best idea!!  One of the singers we say live was Colton Dixon. He sang a song called Never Gone and it reminded me of my mom and really made me just in a mush feeling.

The music video to the song is about a little boy who's afraid of the dark so his dad gives him this charm that lights up and then fast forwards to the teens years of the boy and he still has the same charm. Something happens between the dad and son because the son dropped the charm and walks away and it shows the father sitting in a chair in an empty room aging. Then in the end the dad is sick and very old and the boy- now a man goes and See's his father for the first time and the father gives him the charm- and the son realizes that it's too late.

It makes me sad and confused looking at this video and reminds me of my relationship with my own mom. Sometimes i don't think people understand why i don't answer when she calls every once in a while. Every time i let my mom come back into my life, she promises me she's changed and then a few days or weeks later she's back to hating me again and blaming me for all of her life's problems. So when she calls, i choose to not answer, because i choose not to get hurt again. It makes me wonder if i am doing the right thing especially after watching this video. Although i get the uneasy feeling a lot, sometimes it bothers me because i would give anything to have a mom in my life. But, i know it will never happen so as long as i know that whenever the phone rings and her name shows up, i will still choose not to answer. It's been almost 2 years since I've talked to her last, there's no reason it needs to start now i suppose:P  

I'm hoping that with each day closer to graduation, i can still remember how proud my dad is of me because knowing that... makes life 10x easier.

"Stupidness" of People

I've been going back and fourth for a couple of weeks trying to decide if i should truly post this blog, and tweaking every little detail that i wasn't too sure if it was okay or not. But, once again i let my fears get to me when i shouldn't. This is my blog, and no-one else's. So, i decided to blog on stupid people- it's that simple.

It astonishes me how the stupidness of others can be so great. How peoples actions can be so carelessly planned that they can hurt so many others.

I find it quit humorous actually because looking at the predicament i am in right now, according to many people... my decisions may look foolish, stupid, and non justifiable. If people were to think that, which i know some have i would simply state that they are seeing things from the outside. They don't know what goes on behind the closed doors- they can't see inside out.

I'm human, i make many great mistakes.... but these past few decisions have not been mistakes. There's a time that you know something needs to change, and for me that time was a while ago.

Something i always have struggled with- is self confidence. I always will, and it helps admitting to it. All of my life, I've let numerous people walk all over me. My mom, is one of the greatest. My lack of self confidence stems from fear.... and like I've mentioned before i fear many, many things.  These past few weeks, i have never felt so.... free, and courageous..... ever. I finally decided that enough was enough and i wasn't gonna let people  walk over me anymore. So, i sucked it up and put my big girl pants on and changed a lot of things.... and i do have to say.... because of my actions things have changed, and it's been a good sort of change.

Looking at the scenario in a broad spectrum, i understand people being worried at first, but i also know myself at a different level than many know me. To hold a deep conversation with anyone, is nearly impossible for me, unless i have true trust in that person. I don't trust many people at all, so the easiest way that i can express myself....  is this blog. I started this blog the summer my mom walked out on us, just as a way to get my feelings out because i became so depressed but wouldn't open up about it.  That's why i truly love it. It's been almost 3 years since then, and i've found myself healing more with my posts from this bog than any amount of grief or depression counseling.

Many know that although yes, Kari Jobe is and always will be my favorite singer (p.s. SHE'S COMING TO MICHIGAN IN 2 MONTHS AND IAN AND I HAVE VIP TICKETS!!!!!)   I also have found a great liking to Britt Nicoles music. I've shared some songs of hers on here.... Like Gold and Ready or not, but there's so many good songs of hers. There's one called Breakthrough that has actually been true motivation for me the past few weeks. The link is below for it:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JdKzOy6C5MY

"A breakthrough is coming
I can see that a breakthrough is coming, coming for me
Cause my heart, it was made to fly
Destiny can't be denied
I'm tired of waiting
I am overdue for a breakthrough"

And that's what it has felt like the past couple of months. That this was long overdue.
Back to what i was talking about- stupidity of people.

Thinking of the stupidest people i know.... i think about the drive-through at burger king- where i work.  If you're ever wanting to make someone super annoyed go to your local drive thru... not only take forever to order... but make sure you change your mind about a million times. That should definitely ruin someones mood... it sure does mine!

Also while thinking about stupid people, i truly think of my sisters, nieces and nephews. I just turned 18, and i have more nieces and nephews than i can count on my fingers and 3 great nieces and nephews. Now that, is just stupid. My oldest nephew is cody, 19 years old and a complete train wreck. He has an almost 2 year old, Emry. His mother is 16 years old. Yes, she was 14 when she gave birth to him. She was just a baby herself. Then Lex, 18 years old with a baby girl actually only a few weeks old! Then Shiann, just barely 15 years old with a 3 month old.  I suppose it shouldn't bother me, i should just be used to it now... right?  But the problem is, it does bother me. A whole lot actually. It bothers me because it's not just them, it's so many other teens. Too many people take advantage of having a family. They think at 14 years old that they are in love and that they can actually handle the responsibility of another  human being..... I'm 18 years old and know that even though i have a good head on my shoulders... a child is the least of my needs. It also bothers me because i know many people who are not capable of having children. Some that would be really, really great parents. It makes me really sad just imagining their feelings when it comes down to it, because everywhere they go teens are popping out babies and they can't even have one. That's why a lot of my beliefs of the standard teen, is polar opposite. My dad dwelled in me the morals i have today, and even though he never was hateful to my sisters or anyone about having children so young, i knew that he had better plans for me. I plan to live those out.

Many look oddly at my beliefs in purity. They don't understand the whole "courting" thing, and they think it's silly. Well, if you really look into it.... isn't courting the type of relationship everyone should pursue? To court with someone, means to be in a  relationship with someone that doesn't center the "entire" relationship on sex or things of that nature. It's  a relationship that is intended to be something serious that many believe will turn into marriage. Not saying that i am looking for marriage, but it's meaning i'm not intending on wasting my time or letting it be one of those silly high school relationships where the two in it don't know each other for a substantial amount of time. Looking at society, and seeing all these people with children, makes me proud of my decisions. If you look back in the past, courting was something very popular. It was the respectful thing to do.... and if you look into the future and compare the amount of teen moms there are now compared to then... you'd be astonished.

I'm just sitting here thinking about my mom. About how it's been over a year since we've talked, but that almost changed the other day. I almost called her because i got wind of something and wanted to make sure she was okay. I decided against it. Many of my closest friends, don't know my mom. Only Sarah has been around her for a short amount of time. Other than that, i've hid it from Bree and Yvonne. They know about her, plenty... and they've met her for a short few seconds at my dads funeral... but they don't really know her. And sometimes it's confusing because i see something that reminds me of her and i think "how stupid" but it's too hard to explain to people.

Something else i haven't shared, is news i found about my mom.  I found out around Christmas time but knew that the Holidays were already hard enough that i didn't need something else to bother me so i left it alone and i have been pushing it further and further down.... until now. My mom, has a new family. A boyfriend, their cats.... and his daughter. Isn't that nice? They live in the same home. Maybe i don't have a reason to be sad or hurt about this, but i am. It's just NOT fair. It's just another reason to me as why her not in my life although it may be painful, it's the best thing for me.

When i was i believe in 6th grade.... my mom went back into Harbor Oaks. It's a place she's been plenty of times, and it was just another one of her trips in. While she was there, she met 3 people. Three females there for various reasons. I don't remember why, and for some reason i can only recall 2 of their names; Megan and Amada. Yes Amada, not Amanda! My mom was out of there after about 3 weeks this time and also with her, were the three girls she had met.... discharged as well, with no place to go. Soooo, yes... they landed in our packed as it was home. 3 bedrooms, 8 people. I just look back at this memory of my life, and get annoyed. Not mad, just wondering how my mother could really be THAT stupid. If bringing 3 mentally ill females into my home with her isn't toxic, i don't know what is.The whole situation was bad, and against my wanting i was taken away from my home by a family member who recognized it was not an okay situation for a girl my age. I didn't go home for a while until one of the girls left and another got into a fist fight with my mom and the police were called. Following her, the 3rd girl left.

Being a mom, at least in my opinion.... means keeping your children out of danger like that.... right? Why the hell would my mom bring home those girls? It seriously blows my mind. How stupid can one person truly be. She didn't know them well at all and had no idea of what could've happened.
One quote i love is one by Einstein; "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe"

On a more positive note, the past few weeks although have been crazy,but there has been a LOT of fun and a lot of really good memories that were made. Between late night drives to no where, celebrating Ian's 20th birthday, or random Orange Leaf runs.... it's just one more blog that i can't describe how thankful i am for those who make my days good. I don't know if i could handle life without those people<3