Simply Be

I've been starring at a blank canvas, anticipating this blog. I’m so excited right now. 

Lately I've been in a mood that words can't fully express how great it is. 

Have you ever felt so invincible that you were suddenly nervous, anxiously waiting for the bad thing that must be following soon? And then a little time passes, nothing yet… and finally you find yourself not even waiting for the bad but instead enjoying the many good things that's going on. 

Lately i’ve been trying to think of a good way to describe how i’m truly feeling. It’s something unexplainable. I’ve never felt so happy in my life.  Moving from a place where I was seen as an object that wasn’t capable of have feelings, to a place where people truly see me… they listen to me… they want me there. It’s one of the best feelings in the entire world. 

I think part of the reason for this is not only my new living arrangements, but the people i’ve learned to surround myself with. From day one, i’ve truly had the same best friend. Ian’s always been my best friend since 5th grade, and these past two years haven’t changed that, they made that friendship even stronger. It’s odd actually, yesterday we volunteered with our youth group and watching all the younger kids was so weird for us because we were such a big part of that youth group in the past years, and now it’s almost as the passing of the torch. Through that time, we’ve never gotten into a true fight. It drove me crazy because I was trying to think of at least one fight, but had no luck. It made me smile though. It’s how things should be. 

I titled this blog “Simply Be…” because it makes so much sense to me. We can simply be and do anything we try hard at. 

To be honest, i’ve been preying SO hard, to find happiness. I prayed for it for a long time. My prayers never were answered and I got angry with God because I just didn’t want to be sad anymore. So, I slipped. I messed up, and began doing things I swore I never would. I began a trail of destruction, which has since come to an end. I chose to follow in my moms footsteps you could say, and although it initially made me hate myself more, it numbed the fact that I couldn’t get happy. It wasn’t something many knew about either, mostly people who I thought were my friends, until I chose to stop doing what they did. Supposedly Ian knew the entire time, so it wasn’t worth me freaking out when I came clean and cried for hours with him. 

The fact of that is, when Ian and I talked that night…. We talked about finding happiness. His words were “Just simply BE happy” I thought about that for days upon days… and then it hit me. 

This entire thing, i’ve been trying and trying to have God bless me with being happy, when all along…. All I had to do was pray, wait and just simply let it happen. I fought it, and didn’t want to wait. 

Recently I watched a video on Facebook where someone used a dark purple Gatorade to represent the wait that we all have through prayer. 

The concept of the video was to show how our life may be in a  dark place right now-but God shines down his blessings all around us… but it takes some time for us to see. So in the video he put the bottle of Gatorade under the sink and let the water run into it, and although it took time, it eventually was clear….. The dark place just seemed to disappear. 

I didn’t give Him the time to do what he needed to… instead of running on His timing, I tried running on mine which didn’t turn out so well. 

To simply be, to me…. Means to let go and truly let God. 

Lately i’ve been realizing so many amazing things about life, that it’s almost all so hard to comprehend. There are so many things you learn in your 4 years in high school, but it’s not until after high school that you learn to put that knowledge into use, and gain so many new understandings. 

I’ve learned to adapt. From being kicked out of my home, and moving from house to house… sleeping on couches, chairs and mattresses on floors. I’ve learn to adapt to it and make the most out of it. Who else can truly say that they’ve gone mattress surfing? Adapting takes time, but it becomes easier when you focus on all the good instead of all the bad. It’s amazing how being in such a positive environment makes that task so much simpler. 

I’ve learned to never let people tear me down. Why let them? If they're tearing me down, they are truly missing out on an opportunity to watch me do amazing things in life. If someone has the time, and even the will power to try and make me feel horrible, the jokes on them because they are the ones who need help. There’s no point, because those people… like my family, are just sad lonely people. They aren’t lucky enough to see the good in the bad situations. To those people…. I feel sorry for you. 

I’ve learned to let myself open up, and let myself fall… hard. Not like letting myself fall on the floor, that’s stupid, hahaha. I mean “in love”.  I think with fear, comes the anxiety of relationships… but when you kinda let things just fall into place, you realize that you don’t just love a person anymore, you’re IN love with them. This is probably the most personal thing i’ve ever posted, but at this point I already feel too giddy and happy to care :)    As my tweet went last night; “It’s funny how when you think you can’t love someone any more than what you do, and then you completely fall head over heals for that person all over again- and it’s now falling in love.” What makes me actually really happy about this, is that if you took away everything…the normal relationship stuff; the labels, sex, intimacy and just stuff like that…. At the core is a bond that holds a friendship like no other. Hahahah, I guess i’m just a sap lately and I think this is why:) 

I’ve learned that sometimes, you need to put yourself first. This I will admit is very much easier said than done. I still need practice, but i’m working on it. Recently I wound up in a predicament where I couldn’t say no to anyone and I completely wore myself out. My body and mind was exhausted and I collapsed at the place I work and ended up in the hospital. It was at the very moment that the iv was getting placed in my arm that this statement made so much sense to me. I’ve never minded getting my blood drawn, I actually have it done often, but getting stuff injected into my skin creeps me out. I knew that i didn't need to be in that predicament if it wasn't for me never being able to stay no.

Al those these are only a couple, these are just some of the lessons I've learned recently. 

Everyday, my goal is to "simply be" whatever i put my mind too. 

Simply BE happy<3