Home IS where the heart is!

I found myself locked, in a cage not allowing myself to walk around or have any room to think. I only wanted one thing- anger.  I was gasping for hatred like a man gasps for air instead of gasping for God..Confused on where my home was, or if i even had one- but i do. My address is 54205 Washington Chesterfield Michigan 48047,  my home is not an ordinary home, I'm not there most of the time, in fact I'm only there once or twice a week, on certain days of the weeks my hallways are filled with the kind of people i long to be- believers.Some people  call it Chesterfield Woods Church of the Nazarene- but, i call it home.  I call it home because, that's the place i can be the real me, not afraid of what people think because it's not up to them- it's only up to Him. It's my home because that's the place i long for when i have struggles in my life, that i cannot control.

Church this week was nothing but amazing, i felt like Pastor Goche and Pastor Lerrin were speaking directly to me, about fighting for your faith, and even though we have daily struggles, God is not intimidated by us.  Out of every sermon each of them have given. yesterday touched me the most.  I know deep down that everything is going to be okay, it's a long battle. I'm going to find myself having days  that are great, and having days that i just want to give up- but with God on my side along with everyone else  i know i can persevere and finish the race.

When life throws it's doubts, and nothing feels right- all i have to do is just stop what I'm doing fall to my knee's and pray.  People assume that being a Christ follower not matter what religion you are is easier- well i can certainly advocate that that's sooo not true.  When someone commits their life to Jesus, they promise that they will obey Him- that they will not let temptation get the best of them. When you are a Christ follower- you have to stick up for YOUR God, even when times are rough. You have to know and believe that He will take care of everything. You never know the outcome of everything, so it's up to you to pray until you can't pray anymore.  Being a Christ follower is so much more difficult than being a non believer, because everything that you do, he can see and it either impresses or dis impresses him. Even though being a Christ follower is harder, i would have it no other way.

If there's one thing I've learned the last 48 hours, it's;  Anyone can give up, It's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone is waiting for you to fall apart? That's true strength.  I have yet conquered the daily struggle of staying afloat in this deep ocean we call life, but everyday i am learning new strategies to keep my head out of the water.

We all sin, all of us everyday. But if God can forgive us of our daily sins, why can't we forgive those who sin against us?

Something has been laying on my heart these last few weeks and that is whether or not i am going to continue the same cycle of life i have the last few years. I'm not sure, making some big decisions and I'm scared of the possible outcomes. I've been weighing the pros's and con's in my head, and i think I've made up my mind. I'm praying that God will guide me through this decision and let me know whether or not I'm making the right choice.

Home is where the heart is..... where's that?

I can't stand the last few days. All they are is crap and they remind me how annoying life is sometimes. I hate not knowing where my home is, its stupid. I wish i could move out into an apartment, but of course i can't.... because I'm only 15.    Why is it that when someone asks me for my address i don't know what to put down?   Should i put where i'm living, where i'm supposed to living or where i want to live? I don't know and it annoys the heck out of me. Tired, confused and lost are the only feelings i have, a fake smile has been plastered on my face while the pain increases inside. I'm lost, and i have to map- don't know what to do, don't know what to say, i'm in a room- simply white..... noise is loud but all of a sudden..................... it all goes silent. The whole world just shuts up for once.  And that's when i find comfort, when the world is quiet, and no one nags on me. But, there's NO such thing.  My thoughts aren't the same the last 48 hours, somethings snapped deep inside. I don't know what it is or where it's coming from but it's scaring me. I don't feel the same, i feel angry, annoyed and hate with this world. I feel lost in my faith, not knowing what to pray for, so just not praying. I feel like everyone is on vacation but there voices still flood my head with negative words, saying I'll be just like them, I'll never go anywhere. I'm so tired of people who complain about my performance when there's isn't even any good. Everyone fails something, once in there life. I'm sorry if i failed a test, it was my first and my last. I feel crummy when i saw it and you only made it worse. You don't know the pressure i am under.  You always say i understand.... BUT YOU DON'T!   You have not been through the crap that has happened, you don't understand what is going on inside of me. You don't understand the pain i go through daily to keep a smile on my face. NO-ONE gets it.   What's the sense of anything anymore?   Who knows what we are meant for?  I always thought life was a blessing, that sometimes we went through a lot of crap but it would get better. As this moment right now, i don't think that. Life sucks, and it's taken me almost 16 years to know that. As i go to bed tonight, i can't pray.  The first time I haven't prayed before going to sleep in years.  Prayer isn't working for my life i truly don't know if it ever has. I'm just scared, but i dont want people to know. I'm in pain, but i don't want people to feel it to so i don't talk about it. I'm in rejection to my life, my family and my religion.... but if i let anyone know that i would be looked at differently. Why do people say that home is where the heart is?  If my home was were the heart was,  I wouldn't be here right now. I would be in Tennessee, living at an old home with a wrap around porch and white picket fence. Laying out in my barn with all of my horses, chickens and goats.  I would be walking the rolling hills that are right out my backdoor. In the country, where you can actually see the stars, without ANYONE. Just me and my animals. I'm not there. I'm someplace  100% opposite of that.  I'm gone, I'm lost, and i'm not coming back. I'm done with lying to myself about my life- that everything is going to get better. It's NOT. So i might as well start getting used to it anyways.  So i'm never going to listen or repeat the saying, "Home is where your heart is"  because that is not true.  My home, is right here...... oh wait?? Where's that. Oh yeah, forgot again. I don't even have one.

A song describing my life

  Four years old with my back to the door
All I could hear was the family war
You're selfish hands always expecting more
Am I your child or just a charity ward

You have a hollowed out heart
But it's heavy in your chest
I try so hard to fight it
But it's hopeless
Hopeless
You're hopeless

Oh mother
Please mother
I'd love to leave you alone
But I can't let you go
Oh mother
Please mother
Put the bottle down
For the love of a daughter
Oh

It's been five months
Since we've spoken last
And you can't take back
What we never had

Oh, I can be manipulated
Only so many times
Before even I love you
Starts to sound like a lie

You have a hollowed out heart
But it's heavy in your chest
I try so hard to fight it
But it's hopeless
Hopeless
You're hopeless

Oh mother
Please mother
I'd love to leave you alone
But I can't let you go
Oh mother
Please mother
Put the bottle down
For the love of a daughter

Don't you remember
I'm your baby girl
How could you push me out of your world
Lie to your flesh and your blood
Put your hands on the ones that you swore you loved

Don't you remember
I'm your baby girl
How could you throw me right out of your world
So young when the pain had begun
Now forever afraid of being alone

Oh mother
Please mother
I'd love to leave you alone
But I can't let you go
Oh mother
Oh mother
Please mother
Put the bottle down
For the love of a daughter
For the love of a daughter



Copied from MetroLyrics.com

This song (For the Love of your daughter ) is written and sung by Demi Lovato,  her song spoke to me in so many ways. Her original song is not about her mother, it is about her father, i changed the father into mother as well as the 5 years into 5 months to make it fit my life better.   I love this song! <3

NO! It's NOT my fault.

Being told that you're to blame for your mother trying to kill herself is wrong. It's not my fault and i know that deep down.  But there is still a sting that runs through my mind, scrambling all of my thoughts inside my head. I have been under a lot of pressure this week and it feels like i have 20 lb shoulder weights on. When i first found out that my mom was back at Harbor Oaks- i was distraught, but i was curious to find out if she was okay and what happened to her. But when i heard the news that she tried to kill herself- AGAIN, i wasn't happy. Plus the fact that me not talking to her for months being the blame for those thoughts made me even worse. I'm sorry mom, i didn't choose to leave. YOU DID! You messed up and you can't blame others for YOUR actions. Someone told me today that if you would have been doing what you were supposed to all along that none of this would have happened and she was so right! I know that my mom can't control her actions all the time, but clearly she could have called me if she wanted to talk. It's not like she didn't know my number, or my address she could have found a way.

I'm a Christian, and i know that i have to respect and love my parents no matter what, but times like this that's really hard to do. I have forgiven her and always will, but i hope she knows that no matter how hard she tries i will never forget what she has done. When things get rough i don't trust people enough. I can count the people i truly trust on one hand. one of them live out of state, one is of course God,  one is a family member, and the other two are mentors. Those 5 people are the only one's that i know can give me advice to make my day better. Those five people know more about me than my best friends do, those 5 people are good listeners, they make me realize that even though my life sucks sometimes i always will have someone who genuinely cares. 

In a book i am reading right now, Sun Stand Still- its explains the power of a prayer. In the book Joshua, he asked God to stop the sun. I know that scientifically the sun doesn't move, and its practically impossible for it to stop rotation anyways. But with that God stopped the sun. The book inspires me to pray for the impossible. Not just everyday things, because God's got that covered- but for things that no one would ever dare pray for. So I'm steeping out of my normal shadow of prayer and am going to start praying for my mom, and for her sickness to be cured.. It seems impossible, but i have full faith in God that he will go to the extreme for me and help my mother. 

Lost and Found.

I feel like a young child who got lost in a store, not knowing where to go or what to do. I feel claustrophobic, like the walls are caving in. I feel like a ghost, some people see me, others don't. Today, i saw my mom for the first time in months, and it was just awkward. I had called the lady she is living with, saying  that she needed to come and get the rest of my moms things, or i was going to put them in the shed or somewhere out of sight. She came over and got them- with my mom.

When my mom got out of the car, she didn't even say hi. I wanted to scream in her face, i mean COME ON! My mom is 46 years old, she should know that saying HI to your DAUGHTER is only polite. Of course she didn't. When my dad told her that i had wrapped her angles in newspaper, she did say thank you, but does thank you really mean the same thing as, "hi, how are you doing?"  No.    I'm going to be 16 in less than three months, sometimes at times like today i feel like I'm triple my age. Like i have to take responsibility over so many other people. It's hard going through the day solving everyone Else's problems not knowing how to solve your own and not knowing who to ask.

   A question i have, that has been consuming my thoughts lately is about going out to lunch with her, or writing her a letter. I am so confused on what she wants anymore. She stopped talking to me, and then she asked my grandma how i was wanting to get together, ignored me multiple times and still not keeping in contact with me. Why do i always have to make the decisions? Why can't i just open a book with the answer on it? I'm tired of only guessing at what i should do.

 Today on facebook, a girl from church posted a quote; the quote read,  A daughter is one of the most beautiful gifts the world has to give. The lady responded with- so thankful for my blessing~ my miracle from God.  Why can't i be that important to my mom? Honestly- what have i done so wrong to deserve the the loss of a mother? Or the pain caused by one who doesn't even care? I'm so sick of fake people and wanna Be's.  Why can't people just be honest?  Why can't people tell other people how it really is? Why do people ask how you are- when they most likely DON'T EVEN CARE.  Thinking about that makes me wonder how many times i have told people something because they asked and them not even caring about it.

When i was at church today, a girl from out children's ministry room came up to talked to me when i was getting ready to work in the nursery. I asked her how she was doing and she said, "Who cares?"  I was taken back by the response wondering what was wrong with her today? She started talking about how people always ask that question- but no one ever truly cares. I knew what she meant and i looked her straight in the eye and said, Bekka- i promise you that i will always care, whether your happy or sad or just want to vent. I will always care because i am one of your leaders in the children's ministry, God put me here for you and if you ever need anything i want you to ask me. No matter what the situation is i will always be here.

 She said thanks and told me what was bothering her, but for the rest of the day- that has been on my mind. How many people genuinely care about everyone? I know 2 people in my whole life who do. That's hard to believe. I can even admit- i am not one of those. But when i ask people how they are doing, i don't just ask to be polite i ask so i know that if anything is wrong in there life i can pray about it, with them or on my own. That's what my thoughts come down to tonight- not understanding various things. One as being in my mother and two- why people say how are you when they don't even care.

 I'm praying that God grants me the knowledge to let people know that when i ask people how they are that they know i really do care about them.

A collection of thoughts in one.

Lately, my thoughts have been focused on the hours of homework i have. Sometimes, in the back of my mind i think of my mom and just push those thoughts deeper and deeper, and other times i write her letters. Those letters explain why i thought about her, and why i missed her. I am writing them in a journal that i call, Words left unsaid. This journal has become my reality this summer. I want to share it, because i know that i am not the only one who feels this way, i am not the only one who has had a parent who left- and i am definitely not the last. A 15 year old author? I think so, i believe that God has blessed me with the words i write to have other people see them as well. I'm not sure how, or when, but i want to put these letters in a real book, a book that maybe one day, my mom will come across and read.   I pray that i have support and the wisdom to really get this done. I pray that my mom sometime down the road- does get the chance to read it. She will understand than; really how painful it was for her to ignore me.