This, is exactly how i feel.

Why.

Why? The question most commonly wondered but never asked or answered. Why is there people who hate themselves so much that they think they should just end there life? Why are there people who get thoughts that they know are bad but decide not to say anything, why? That's one question i can't even attempt to answer, but i hope that someday God provides us with the response that will change the people that are affected by suicide and change there life around. Thinking about a newspaper article that i read today in journalism made me think about it. About suicide, the families and friends that are affected by it and the people who feel guilty for it. Wondering, how those people can handle it. I almost lost my parents to suicide. I think five of my family members know that, and no-one else. It's time we start addressing the whys and the what ifs,because that is the only way we can really change the future. Suicide has made an impact in my life, as it continues to today. My aunt Susan, killed herself, my mom and dad both attempted it- in front if me. My sisters have suffered from depression saying things that have scared me, my friends have said things to me that have made me wonder, whats really going on with them, and most of all- i have had my questions. I'm not saying I'm suicidal or have ever been- i just mean that I've questioned who would really care if something tragic happened to me. Than after a few minuets of wondering that i get smacked in the face with reality saying, " wake up dummy, a lot of people would care."  It's not a child's job to make sure that there parents a re okay, that they aren't overwhelmed with sadness and thoughts of suicide are entering there head, but than why did i feel like it was my fault when both my mom and dad tried killing them self, in front of me? Looking back on it, it gets me upset because my life already sucked enough before any of this stuff came along, and that whole scenario just made it worse. Other than five people in my life, no-one knows anything about this story, i think it's the one thing that i will never feel comfortable telling anyone, which sucks that I'm just going to sweep it under the rug for the rest of my life, but i don't know how to come of it. should i be happy, that by the grace of God, they are okay? Should i be angry that they both attempted this in front of me, blaming me for there choices? What? Why? Why am i even questioning this? Bringing back old memories are tough to face especially when it involves someone who you miss, but don't want to admit it. When it involves someone you love, but don't know how to show it, when it involves someone you wish would just be there for you..... and then you realize that's impossible. Life brings many challenges, I've learned that the best way to deal with them is praying. Some people i know feel very different about that, but i know and believe that even the silliest, stupidest prayer from someone who has never prayed to him before, and has never admitted that he is God; will get heard from him. So i hope that anyone going through the ups and downs of life- will not think of these things; that they will turn to God instead.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                

My real thoughts on abortion.

Lately in some of my classes such as, AP government and in journalism- the subject abortion has come up a lot.  When i hear that word, my stomach quivers. I am 99.99% against abortion. The 0.001% that i am for it- is only for the scenario of a women being raped, and possibly dying from giving birth to the child. A lot of people think it is my religion- no. It's not, it's the fact of being blessed with a child and then killing it. God doesn't bless everyone  with having children. Some of the best people i know can't have kids- and it makes me upset knowing that my own sisters.... have all had abortions. My future nieces and nephews were killed because of them, i know they weren't in the form of a baby just a fertilized egg- but it had the potential to grow into a young helpless child. If God gives you the option to have kids- you should embrace it. If you had un-protected sex; well that's your  fault than, you chose your actions and you should deal with the consequences. A child is one of the biggest blessing you can receive from God. My sisters took for granted what God blessed them with. They have made mistakes, they have screwed up but yet they can have children. What about the abortions where the child is in the shape of a baby? How do they abort that? Oh yea, they take a knife; cut the head open, pull the brain out so the head will collapse and pull it out. That is the nastiest thing i have heard in my life. It is wrong on so many levels, and although it is illegal to do it in some states, it is still legal in some. I have never been, and never will be pro abortion. Every time that i think of abortion, a picture of my nephew Noah comes to my mind. I love that kid to death, what if my sister chose to abort him? There would be no Noah, he means the world to me and i am so blessed to have him. So my thoughts for today; why?  Why kill a child that has potential. Why kill a child that could be a future leader and help us rule our world. Why KILL something GOD gave you? these questions don't add up in my head. In my heart i know that abortion is wrong and i will stick up for my belief on abortion at any time of the day.

Not knowing what to think.

Yesterday, my dad got the custody papers. I was really excited at first, knowing that this is what i have wanted for a really long time- at least that's what i thought. It's been over a month since the last time I've talked to her.  It's weird knowing that too. A month isn't too long, it's four weeks. four weeks that I've gone without a mother, four weeks that I've questioned, why to everything that has happened and what my future will be. The last for weeks have been crazy, I've tried to halt my thoughts of her, I've tried to let her go..... but something just won't let me. I hate how i am thinking about her constantly and worrying about her, missing her in weird ways and sometimes wanting her back, and she could care less. She called my grandpa the other day and they talked for a while, she told him about her going up to Mackinaw Island for a few days, and how much fun she was having. Never, during the whole conversation did she mention my name or how i was. She never put in the effort to know that her daughter the one that- SHE left, the one that  SHE hurt, was still affected by this summer. I don't know how to hide it anymore. There hasn't been a second that i haven't stopped thinking of it, haven't stopped praying that God really is doing this for a reason, that everything will really turn out okay.  How do people expect me to talk about my mom? I hate when my family brings her up, it just makes me want to crawl in a hole and hibernate. I can't always restrain the tears from flowing out, i can't always stop the harsh angry words come out when i think about her, i can't stop that, and it sucks. I hate crying, it just makes me feel like I've lost something, When i was little, she wouldn't like it if we cried, any of my sisters or I. Just thinking about that makes me upset, i was afraid to cry when something was sad. I had to hid my tears when my cat got ran over, or my grandpa died. I couldn't show emotion in our home, because she would get annoyed and slap us.  All i want right now, is to just go lay in bed and cry, just hid upstairs in my room and let every stupid thing that i had t hold in when i was younger out, because i know if i don't eventually when i get mad enough, I'm going to start crying and it's going to be hard to stop. So, i don't know what to think, i have too many things running through my head right now, my mom, my grandma, my nieces and nephews, school, home stuff, my friends and so many other things. My head feels crowded, like I'm claustrophobic on the inside. I just wish i could get everything out, the good, the bad, even the pain. I know that if i just let everything go, i will be able to hear the one voice i have been longing for this week- God. I haven't had much time this week to pray to him, to really think, "what would Jesus do" I haven't had much time for my bible, or anything. I'm hoping that writing this i know that i still need to put Him first, no matter what the circumstances are. So tonight I'm praying for my mind to be cleared of all this stress, to be able to put Him first, without hesitation.

Isaiah 40:31

I posted something Sunday after church on my facebook, and i thought it was perfect to write about. I posted; 

One of the first steps to rebuilding your life is forgiving the people who tore your life apart- So i forgive my mom. For all the tearing apart and hurt she caused this summer. The second step, is admitting once again that our God is amazing, because he will ALWAYS be there.  God you're amazing <3. And the third step...... hmmmm not sure yet. But i'm now two steps closer to having my life back.

 

That^ is sooooo true! I have forgiven the past, i'm not saying it doesn't still hurt- because it DOES!  I'm not saying i don't cry about it anymore- I DO! I have only forgiven her because that is what Jesus would do. It's amazing to realize that i am healing from her. I'm not going to say that it's going to be easy. Most likely i'll loose it on the months ahead- but i'm going to be okay. If i haven't made this obvious enough; i have God in my life, i have family who love me and friends who are always there to talk to. She has no one. She has nothing. I'm done being an outreach to her needs. In Matthew Wests' song; Strong Enough, the opening lyrics are- 

You must, you must think i'm strong, to give me what i'm going through. Well forgive me, forgive me if i'm wrong, but this looks like more than i can do- on my own.  I know i'm not strong enough to be everything that i'm supposed to be; i give up i'm not strong enough. Hands of mercy wont you cover me, Lord right now i'm asking you to be strong enough, strong enough.... for the both of us.

This song spoke wonders to me, the lyrics made me realize something- am i dead? NO. Than stop acting like it. Big deal your mom left, she could care less about you. What about those kids who don't have parents? At least i knew my mom. Get out of this gloomy, shallow mind setting. Be happy again. Don't be afraid to smile. Live life like you mean it. Live life like your doing everything you can until your day come's to be with God.

Don't let anything stand in your way, because if you're going to let little things like this summer take over your life- you're going to drown. 

So i'm referring back to my all time favorite Bible verse-

         Isaiah 40:31- But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not grow faint.

God; he isn't my religion, he's my life.

Some people us the term- Jesus Freak. I smile politely, and nod, because they are pretty much right. I am a freak for Jesus, and I'm proud to be. God is the only one that understands every little aspect of my life. He is the one i go to at anytime of the day to pray to. We aren't allowed to really talk about religion in school, because of the atheist is guess- but i do anyway. I can't imagine my life without God, or the Bible. If i can be chose to be remembered by one thing; it would be for the girl who valued her religion.  I was baptized on January 16, 2011. I know most of the people i know were baptized as a child, but i am a Nazarene. We believe that the child is dedicated to the church and when the child grows into a teenager, they get to make their own choice to be baptized. I would have it no other way. I am so happy that i made the choice to be baptized, my parents would have never baptized me, they didn't ever take me to church- let alone pray with me. My biggest fear for my religion in the future, is that people are going to get so involved with the things Satan tempts them with- drugs, alcohol, adultery, bad influences and things along those lines, that the people of America, will come to forget religion, God and everything that has to do with faith. I can see it in the hallways- people making bad choices, guys getting high in the morning and hoping no-one notices, people with the smell of alcohol on their breaths thinking no one would care, seeing girls walk around our school revealing everything that they do, thinking it's all fun. But they will soon learn it's only fun and games until you end up pregnant. My sisters all had children at a very young age. I still can't believe that after watching two sisters ahead of her, my second youngest sister; Sabrina had a kid at 16. I strongly believe in sexual purity and everyone i know, knows that. After watching Erika; my oldest sister, struggle to keep my nieces and nephews on tight leash allowing them to get piercings, skipping school and making themselves look like they are a young streetwalker at the age of 13, i know in my heart that true love does wait. I am a product of non- sexual purity. It sucks knowing that my parents didn't hold the morals i choose to hold. God with-holds in me, someone who will fight for what i believe in, someone who will try and help everyone i can.  I am praying for a future that includes that religion is not hidden. That students, principles, teachers and coworkers can speak of their religion freely. My personal prayer every night is very personal- but i want to allow my spiritual life to be opened to anyone who knows me; Hey God; today was awesome! Thank you for allowing me to realize i had the courage to talk to that one person, that i opened up with my head held high and allowed my past happenings to come out it a sane way allowing her to know why i scared and hurt. Thank you for allowing me to have the wisdom when it came to English today, when Chrissy and i spoke up about Genesis. Please be with my grandma tonight as the pain she feels fades away so she can have a night filled with rest. Be with my God daughter; Rylee who is probably giving her mother a hard time about going to sleep and will get up in the morning terrorizing her brother! Be with the Robinson's as they prepare to move into their new home. Be with my friends, allow them to know you. Be with me, Mr. Kevin as well as Miss Mazurkawicz and everyone who will be at static tomorrow. Allow them to speak freely, and to know if they have any problems at all, they can come to us. Be with the students who are creating the new prayer group. Let them know that what they are doing is wonderful and i will surely be attending. Lord just be with everyone who needs you. You were there for me today when the tears were pressing against my eyes and you pushed them away. Let me be at peace with myself for the things i have said to my mom. Forgive me, for the harsh words i said to her at one of the previous court cases that made her upset. Forgive me for not always having the best words to say. Please help fulfill me in anything that i am lacking in my faith. Thanks God! Amen

The strongest person i know.

As the day's move forward, and my life starts going back to how it was, i want to remember two things. 1. No matter what happens- God is always there for us, and 2. Whether we know it or not- people do care. Whether it's a friend, a teacher, a family member, they do care. Today, i sat with my grandma when i got home for a while. I love laying next to her in bed and just talk. Today we talked about my family, my mom and God. I told her that i wasn't angry with my mom anymore- just sad knowing that she doesn't want to love me. I told her that i was still questioning God's plan for me. I let her go on and on about her brothers and sisters and we had a good talk. My grandma resembles a truly strong amazing person. My grandma was born in 1822. Her mother died when she was very young leaving her father to deal with 6 children. In an early age my grandam had gotten diagnosed with hearing loss and arthritis. Shortly after, her father died too. Her oldest sister could only take one child so she took her older sister Anna Lou, my grandma along with her brother Roy, went to her aunts home in West Virginia. She was practically an orphan,he aunt treated her with disrespect and unfairly, spoiling the other children with good food for dinner. My grandma dropped out of high school in the 9th grade due to needing to work multiple jobs at the local diner while going through the great depression. As time went on, my grandma learned what hard work was. She met my grandpa and got married having four kids. After a few years of marriage my grandpa became abusive with her, they got divorced and my grandma became a single mother again. She worked jobs to take care of her children, and she showed them that hard work pays off. A few years later, my aunt Susan killed herself. It was a horrible time for our family.  My grandma was very depressed but continued to stay string throughout. As of today- my grandma is 82 years old. She has severe degenerative arthritis, and has hands that are curled under each other. she goes through daily pain to do simple things such as get a glass of milk or getting out of bed. My grandma is a huge role model to me. She survived so much- with so little.  She didn't let anything get in her way. She is the strongest person i know. I love her to death and would do anything for her. Included in m prayers every night, is for the pain to be released out of her body allowing her to sleep. It's amazing what prayers can do <3

A song that helps me get through things

A silent cry for hope.

I have no idea of what i am going to write today. It's just so gloomy and i don't feel like doing anything. I guess i  will start off that this was the first week of school, it was pretty good though.  I've been hiding a lot this week, from conversation. When someone asked me about my mom, dad, or my summer, i froze inside. I just say something to answer the question without looking like an idiot and leave that at that. I feel like an idiot when it's all said and done though. Why can't i trust people enough to tell them, how i am REALLY thinking, about how my summer REALLY was?  Some of the people i trust the most at that school, I'm hiding from the most. I don't want them to look at me as the girl who has a mom who could care less about her, and leave her with her dad and serving them with a divorce while doing so many other things to hurt her.I don't want to be seen as the girl who has divorced parents, and has to choose what to do and who to live with at 15. I just want them to see me as myself, before any of this happened. I'm scared that if i do tell someone anything that every one's going to find out. Why am i so afraid of my summer secrets flooding out into the world? It's not like its going to change me? This summer hasn't help mold me into the person i am today, my whole life has. So why am i worried? I'm not quit sure. Maybe i will gain confidence to actually say," my summer wasn't good at all, but i came out the other end stronger" when someone asks me how my summer was.  I just hope it doesn't make a difference. I titled this blog, " A silent cry for hope" because i need hope. I can't just let the actions of this summer take over my life, I can't and i wont. It will take a while but once everything is all said and done, i know i will be a much happier person inside. The first few days of school i was quite and wanted to be alone. I didn't want to be involved with anyone. I didn't say hi to people as i passed them in the hallways- i just took care of myself and was okay with that. As the days moved forward, I've noticed myself smile again. Not afraid of  talking to people and not afraid of being myself- the person I've lost the last three months.  I'm gaining her back, and a little later I'm going to post a song that's help me overcome this summer.

I do not like alarm clocks!

Today's the first day of school.. Omg! The summer went by so fast! It seems like yesterday, i was at my grandma's in Jackson visiting with family! This morning my alarm clock went off for the first time in months at 5am. It sucked, hearing a noise that i hated so much! I threw my pillow at it, and it shut it off - temporarily. Then i freaked out thinking i would be late for school, so i got up. ):  Now here i am, trying to get this house un-cold. I hate to admit, that other than the waking up super early, and having hours of homework, I'm excited schools starting! I am happy to escape this house. I need a break from all the confusion that Satan is trying to get me to be swallowed whole in.I am Happy, tired,and ready to meet new challenges! (:  My prayer last night was simple- other than my every night prayer to be with my grandma's, my nieces and nephews, my God daughter, and myself- i asked him to make sure that i am 100% on track this year. That some point along the way, i find what i am meant to be. So i'm going to get ready for a great day! I hope every one's that is reading this has a blessed day! <3

This song as well as the lyrics- are amazing!

As positive as possible.

An updated letter to my mom, one that she sadly will never read,

Dear mom,

Thank you. Thank you for finally giving me what i needed- freedom and time. Thank you for giving dad custody of me. It hurt at first knowing that you just gave me up, but I've accepted it as the best thing you've ever done for me. Thanks to you, i am stronger, wiser and a lot more peaceful. I may not be the daughter you want- and honestly i don't know what that is, but i am someone that i am proud to be. Who am i? Oh yeah, i forgot you don't know who i am. I am a christian, I am a teenager who screws up sometimes but knows that i have a lot of people who love me regardless, I am strong, I am a writer not a speaker. I am a dreamer, a believer. I am God's child.  I am someone who loves animals so much that i would give up eating them. I am according to Jesus, someone worth dying for. I am someone who is lost, but will be found once again by God. I am Me- Elizabeth Rose Marie Brendle. That's all I'll ever be- no one else.. I'm sorry if i haven't lived up to your expectations, I'm sorry i haven't been the nicest to you at times and I'm sorry i chose not to live with you.  My life may have been nasty- but i want to thank you for it. Without you i wouldn't be here. I've learned so much from you. I've learned NEVER to smoke, because i will smell like an ashtray and wont be able to run more than 5 feet. I've learned and chose to be 100% alcohol free ALL of my life regardless of my age, I've learned not to have kids- to adopt so they have no chance of getting the mental illnesses that run through our family. I've learned a lot of things from you. I'm going to miss you, but just like you i will get over it. I love you, and maybe one day we will become friends again.
Love, your long gone daughter.

I do miss my mom, and i did learn a lot from her. Hopefully she knows i don't hate her, nor am i angry with her. I am sad that she has chosen a life without me, and i honestly wish the people she is living with now the best. I will pray for her all my life, Goodbye mom- have a nice life.

Why i HATE the word, "Custody".

When i think, hear or see the word, "custody" my head pounds. Because that's the one word, that can describe so many thing. It can describe the fighting and arguing between parents, It can describe the confusion in kids when they have to help decide where they want to live. It describes so many things- all things that i went through this summer. When i thought of the word before this summer, i thought of my dad  and i getting freedom from my mom. A lesson i learned from this summer- Life's tough but anyone who can go through divorce and come out stronger; is someone who is amazingly strong. My mom has given me up my whole life, dropping me off at family's houses saying she was going grocery shopping and she'd be back in a little and come back 3 days later only to drop of a bag of clothes and to leave once again... with out me.  I read the papers for the custody and i read that she just gave me up. ONCE AGAIN IN MY LIFE SHE HAS LEFT ME. It SUCKS! I cant get it off of my mind. I'm angry I'm sad, I'm hurt and i feel like everything I've ever done for her was a complete and total waste of time. She gave me up and even though i wanted to live with my dad, it still hurts to know that she just gave me up. I'm praying that she doesn't do what she always does- come back only for enough time to drop a bag of clothes off and leave. I want to be a fly on  the wall for one day in her life. To see if she ever even thinks about me. I want to know if she misses me, i want to know if she still loves me. I'm asking for too much- i know. I don't know what i want anymore. I just want this year to go bye and the numbness of this pain to ware off. God; please help me- my eyes are covered with a thick fog that wont go away, its making my head spin, i cant see through this thick fog, its blocking my goals and i need it to be removed. Lord be with anyone who has ever had to deal with the pain from custody, divorce, a parent leaving and let them feel your love.  I'm scared and i need your help. So please help me.  Amen <3

Keeping this summer hidden.

The other day a few friends and i walked through the hallways at LCN- to find our lockers and classes. When i was there i just wasn't myself.... i was thinking about what my response would be when someone asked me, how my summer was.  Would i say; it was awesome?, It was okay?, It was good?   What am i going to say? Because every response i say when someone asks me that, I'm just going to be thinking deep down how my mom left... when things started getting better.  I ran into some people at North yesterday and it was uncomfortable talking to them, because i want to keep everything hidden.I've never felt uncomfortable talking to some of the people I've talked to so much, never felt as if i didn't want to talk because i didn't want something to slip about this summer.  But how can i put the good things over the bad? I had some amazing moments this summer.... just not as many hurtful things. Let me see; Good things- I went to camp with Youth For Christ and met amazing people, I went up North a few times, I become a god parent, i made up with my three best friends, i grew closer to God and i learned that i am strong- something some one's been telling me the last few months- but this summer i experienced it. The bad things: My mom back stabbed me again, when things were going so well, my mom left me, she didn't talk to me for weeks, she ignored me at court, i told her that she was dead to me, she gave custody up of me without hesitation, she turned off all of the utilities in my dads house forcing me to move home, she put me in the predicament of making decisions a 15 year old shouldn't be making, Satan tempted me to just give up, and let her win, i haven't written a poem since the last week of school, i haven't talked to the one person i just want to let everything out to since the last day of school(except when i saw her at Lcn, but she was busy and there was too many other people around) and i haven't read the bible on my own other than at church. So many more bad things- but i just cant let go of them I don't know why. I want to forget everything and go back to the way everything was, this summer i changed. I became quite again, i became independent, wanting my own space, peace and quite and just wanting to lounge around.   I'm praying that God gives me the answer to the one question i am afraid of the most......... "How was your summer?"