Happy Memorial day; daddy!

So far I've spent memorial weekend camping at the Lake Huron Campground in Port Sanillac. its been fun; other than the fact that it rained almost the whole day ):  But I've had some time needed away from home to sort through everything that has been running through my mind.  Things like; the guardianship court case that is soon approaching, or the end of my sophomore year ending with grades I'm not so proud of.  Things about my  dad and my grandma- and time just to think about what they would want for me.

Yesterday-  marked one month since my dad's passing.  I didn't feel like talking to anyone much.  I just stayed in the back of the R.V and listened to Rylee and Andrew play while holding my dads shirt.  It sucked.  I've never spent this much time away from him- and I've never not talked to him in this long of a period.  

I honestly cannot believe that it's only been a month.  It seems like a life time.  I still remember when it happened.  We left the hospital around 330 am to go home and get ready for school.  I thought i could put on my fake smile and act like everything was okay.  Walking through the hallways was scary.  It seemed like everyone was starring at me and the tears rolling down my face.  I made my way to my locker- my cousin Nicole was with me and then i made my way for my daily routine; and walked to my best friends locker.  They were all there.  Most were crying and the sight of that made me break down.  I ran to Yvonne first because Yvonne just has this motherly instinct,and  i couldn't even pretend to hide my feelings anymore.  I just kept going in this huge circle of people crying and saying how sorry they were.  The hardest part was seeing Felicia- her dad left when she was little and she's only ever known one man as her dad- and he died last year.  So she knew the hurt i was enduring.  She also had just came over to my dads house with Sarah the day before.  It was the first time any of my friends had known someone who died.   I am so thankful for them because they were the ones who got me through that morning; and even though i didn't stay for school the days that followed that i returned; they were still there with arms wide open.

Today's Memorial day.... a holiday i always spent with my dad.  It's the first time in over 9 years that i haven't woken up super early to make him a memorial day cake. I used to make a vanilla bean strawberry and blueberry cake with cream cheese frosting.  The cake itself would look like a flag.  I would put the blueberries in the left hand corner to look like stars and line the strawberries up in rows to look like a flag.  But this year- i couldn't manage to do it and not being able to give it to him.

Instead- I'm driving out to Clarkston to spend time with my cousins on their lake. I need this day to clear my mind of the old traditions i'm used to.

So like i said on Face book this morning;

 He's the reason why I can smile on days like today instead of being sad- because this day is for him. My dad was a hero ♥ love you daddy; R.I.P

I know that i can get through this- but sometimes i just hate feeling sad about everything.  I don't need to worry about my dad or grandma- because they are with God; and that's all that matters.

Happy Memorial day <3

The pain is coming

I have been trying to escape reality- ignoring the fact that my grandma and dad have both passed away.   I've been concentrating hard at school, hanging out with friends and staying away my house as much as possible. However, yesterday, I received the remains of both my dad and grandma.   That was hard.   I was in the car with my cousin so I tried to hide the fact that all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and cry.  I did my best.

Sometimes I let my mind wander back to the old times.  When everything was hectic- but I still had my dad and grandma.  I miss that.  I find that the things that used to bug me so much are some of the things that I miss the most.   For instance, the amount my dad LOVED to talk.  He literally would never shut up.  He would call me almost every morning at 6, just to talk.  It would get on my nerves sometimes when I was running late, but now I miss it terribly.  My dad loved to whistle like a bird.  It used to drive me insane, and I would always beg him to stop, but now when I’m outside my ears are on a mission for the same whistle he attempted.

I've been acting like this never happened- so I wouldn't have to deal with the pain.  Nevertheless, it's hitting me bad. Everything is reminding me of him.  Today, when I woke up I put on Pandora to his favorite music, and his ultimate favorite song- House of the Rising sun came on.   Then when I went to school, I swear everyone was talking about their dads.  Than in 3rd hour, this one kid was telling stories about his dad.   In my Spanish class, we were doing an oral presentation and every time someone would talk, I would only hear the word Padre. In my AP class, we were talking about recent news stories when this local story about a dad and daughter was brought up.   Even English, we're reading To Kill a Mockingbird- and the subject of fathers came up. 

It sucks how I can't stop thinking about him.  I just miss him.  I miss his voice.  I miss his eyes.  I miss him always wanting to come over so I could make him vegetarian lasagna, since that’s the only non-meat thing he would eat.   I miss going fishing with him.  I miss everything.  I miss how when we would go anywhere, he would always play the Oldies radio station in the car.  I miss getting a call from him and talking about the stupidest things.  I miss teasing him about his glasses.  I miss hearing about his dreams.  I miss telling him about what I wanted in the future.  I miss him.

Part of me just wants to give up.  But I know he would not want that.  Part of me wants to fight till the end.  And part of me just wants a break from the world.  I know I need to talk about him, but it's just so hard.  I hate crying- and every time the subject of my daddy is brought up, I curl up and don't really say what’s on my mind. 

My heart beats to give him one more hug.  To hear his voice one last time.  To tell him that if it wasn't for him, i may not even be here. And that he saved my life. 

Thoughts of him are plastered to my mind, like wallpaper is to a wall.   They are super glued and won't leave anytime soon.  It's so hard to admit this.  It's so hard to write this and not make myself hit the backspace button.  It's just really hard.

The hardest part- is I am 16.  I have SO many more years to live.  I have only begun my life.  I still have so many firsts that he won't be by my side for.  What am I going to do for graduation?  I'm not going to have my dad- OR my grandma there to see me walk across the stage.  What about if and when I get married... who's going to walk (or chase) me down the aisle? 

I don't know what the next move is.  I'm just so hurt all of a sudden.  It's like it came from nowhere. I'm going to go read a few books to my Goddaughter so she will fall asleep.  And then I’m going to go curl up in my bed with my dad's favorite blanket and shirt, and I’m going to pray that somehow, someway God will pull me through.

5.4.55- 4.27.12  RIP DADDY.  You will be forever missed, and never forgotten.

Mothers Day.

I didn't think that mothers day would be an upsetting holiday this year- but re subject of mothers is still raw to my body.

The first thing I saw while on Facebook was all of these statuses about the most amazing moms. I felt left out, and it kinda sucked.  My mom and I don't have a close relationship, and we probably never will. I cant erase the pain she caused me, but I can and I have forgiven her. Which makes this day a little less harsh.

People say to celebrate mothers day for grandmothers as well. But that too- is hard. My grandma was the most amazing person in my life, and she will be truly missed.

So mothers day is a day that i definitely do not look forward too.  This day just feels- awkward. Everyone spending time with family- while I'm at home writing out thank you cards and finishing up homework, alone.

i miss having a mom in my life and even more- i miss having my grandma. My grandma was my number one fan, the person i would talk to at all times of the nights. My best friend, my spiritual leader. She was amazing.

One the back of the little cards they pass out at funerals- we had the serenity prayer.  It was comforting to me to see something so familiar.

So that's what i'm basing mothers day off of- the serenity prayer.


because i nor can anyone else can change the past.  We can only accept it and move on.

Happy mothers day grandma.  You were the most amazing woman i have ever been blessed enough to know. Your strength and courage will encourage me to do well for the rest of my life.  Rest in peace grandma, you deserve it.

A message from a mess.

Wow.  It has been almost a month since i posted last.  The last few weeks have been some of the hardest of my lives.  I have had to get on my knees several times and scream to Jesus to help me get through it.

April 27th at 12:17 am, my father passed away.  My family and i arrived at the hospital at 12:19.   That was one of the hardest moments in my life.  I was so confused, because my dad had just gone in the hospital because he had a skin infection.  I am still numb to the subject of my fathers passing.... but it doesn't end there.

Monday afternoon my grandma passed away as well.  She just gave up after my dad died. I was in my school when i found out the news and if it wasn't for the person who was sitting next to me the whole time, i would have NEVER gotten through that.  I would have just shut down clammed it up, went home and cried.

Two of the most important people in my life died in the last week.  It is honestly so hard to think about them.

When i am down i call my daddy's house.  It always goes to the answering machine- and i hear his voice- and that usually gets me through the day. My dad loved the Cologne Old Spice, so when i still miss him i spray it in my room and lay down.  I also play his all time favorite song; House of the Rising sun.  All the little things that make me feel like he is still here right next to me.

As for my grandma, every time i walk downstairs i look at her bedroom door. It never used to be shut- but it is now so we don't have to face reality just yet.  I miss going in there, laying on her bed with her and just talking.  We would talk about the funniest things sometimes, and i can still hear her laugh.  I loved that laugh.  It always made me feel better when i was sad.

I'm not really sure what's going to happen from here.  I'm still numb, and it's going to take a while to get used to the fact that they are no longer here. BUT.  I do know one thing; that i will be okay.  Why?  Because i have AMAZING people in my life. Not just family- but friends, people in Youth for Christ, people from church, and even

It's not only just the people who say they are sorry for my losses in the hallways- it is the people who do even less than that- it's the people around the world that are praying for me and my family.

I belong to Youth for Christ- an organization that has had my back for years.  The have spread my story globally- and i have gotten various messages on face book, in my email and phone calls from people literally everywhere saying they are praying for me.  I don't even know these people - that's what i find amazing.

God gave me a mess of the last few weeks- but somehow he will deliver a message from it all.  Jesus knows me better than  anyone i know- i just have to wait patiently.

It may be hard- but it will be okay. I'm not saying i will forget- but i will learn to cope with the pain.

Tomorrow is the viewing for my grandmas funeral.  It's not going to be the normal all black funeral though!  My grandma told me, as well as my family, that when she died we were not to wear black.  We were instead to wear colors to celebrate what a colorful person she was. So- my family and i have decided on mostly wearing colors.  My God-daughter is wearing a pink dress, my aunt is wearing red, my cousins are wearing navy blue- and i will be wearing the reddish/pinkish dress i bought about a month ago and she fell in love with.

So, I'm not to sad about tomorrow.  I will be with my friends and family wearing various colors, making my grandma happy.

She told me to wear a yellow polka dot dress.... but that's not happening (:  Lol, i love the color yellow- but if i buy it i will never wear it again ;D  Lol, going to spend the rest of the day by donating my hair, spending time with family and rejoicing in my grandmothers life.

God will NEVER give me more than i can handle.  I love and miss you grandma and daddy <3 RIP.