I have been trying to escape reality- ignoring the fact that my grandma and dad have both passed away. I've been concentrating hard at school, hanging out with friends and staying away my house as much as possible. However, yesterday, I received the remains of both my dad and grandma. That was hard. I was in the car with my cousin so I tried to hide the fact that all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and cry. I did my best.
Sometimes I let my mind wander back to the old times. When everything was hectic- but I still had my dad and grandma. I miss that. I find that the things that used to bug me so much are some of the things that I miss the most. For instance, the amount my dad LOVED to talk. He literally would never shut up. He would call me almost every morning at 6, just to talk. It would get on my nerves sometimes when I was running late, but now I miss it terribly. My dad loved to whistle like a bird. It used to drive me insane, and I would always beg him to stop, but now when I’m outside my ears are on a mission for the same whistle he attempted.
I've been acting like this never happened- so I wouldn't have to deal with the pain. Nevertheless, it's hitting me bad. Everything is reminding me of him. Today, when I woke up I put on Pandora to his favorite music, and his ultimate favorite song- House of the Rising sun came on. Then when I went to school, I swear everyone was talking about their dads. Than in 3rd hour, this one kid was telling stories about his dad. In my Spanish class, we were doing an oral presentation and every time someone would talk, I would only hear the word Padre. In my AP class, we were talking about recent news stories when this local story about a dad and daughter was brought up. Even English, we're reading To Kill a Mockingbird- and the subject of fathers came up.
It sucks how I can't stop thinking about him. I just miss him. I miss his voice. I miss his eyes. I miss him always wanting to come over so I could make him vegetarian lasagna, since that’s the only non-meat thing he would eat. I miss going fishing with him. I miss everything. I miss how when we would go anywhere, he would always play the Oldies radio station in the car. I miss getting a call from him and talking about the stupidest things. I miss teasing him about his glasses. I miss hearing about his dreams. I miss telling him about what I wanted in the future. I miss him.
Part of me just wants to give up. But I know he would not want that. Part of me wants to fight till the end. And part of me just wants a break from the world. I know I need to talk about him, but it's just so hard. I hate crying- and every time the subject of my daddy is brought up, I curl up and don't really say what’s on my mind.
My heart beats to give him one more hug. To hear his voice one last time. To tell him that if it wasn't for him, i may not even be here. And that he saved my life.
Thoughts of him are plastered to my mind, like wallpaper is to a wall. They are super glued and won't leave anytime soon. It's so hard to admit this. It's so hard to write this and not make myself hit the backspace button. It's just really hard.
The hardest part- is I am 16. I have SO many more years to live. I have only begun my life. I still have so many firsts that he won't be by my side for. What am I going to do for graduation? I'm not going to have my dad- OR my grandma there to see me walk across the stage. What about if and when I get married... who's going to walk (or chase) me down the aisle?
I don't know what the next move is. I'm just so hurt all of a sudden. It's like it came from nowhere. I'm going to go read a few books to my Goddaughter so she will fall asleep. And then I’m going to go curl up in my bed with my dad's favorite blanket and shirt, and I’m going to pray that somehow, someway God will pull me through.
5.4.55- 4.27.12 RIP DADDY. You will be forever missed, and never forgotten.
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