But what really astonished me, was that Ive felt the need to write for the viewers of my blog. I would find a topic that was just right, not too personal- but that I felt okay with. I stopped really writing for me. And I'm mad at myself for that. I stopped writing about my sisters, abortions and God because I thought if people didn't agree with me, they would stop reading..... But who cares? This is MY blog. My diary. The place I turn to when I need to let things out. It needs to stay that way, because as of right now, blogging seems like a hassle. I used to love typing for hours about something that made me so mad, because in the end- I felt better. I know it's pass the new year, but I'm making one of my new year resolutions to write for me, no one else. Writing is something that makes me happy, and makes me think about my actions I take daily. It opens my eyes to who I am, an what I need to do to have a better lifestyle.
So, i'm going to go back into the last three posts, and post them on here. Because writing them, made me feel a little better.
"You've gotta dance like there's nobody watching, love like you'll never be hurt, sing like there's nobody listening, and live like it's heaven on earth" William W. Purkey.
That's the quote i received in my inbox this morning (two weeks ago), and just like many of the others, it's made me find comfort. Over the past few weeks, I've felt completely overwhelmed with everything. Friends, people at school, school, home, and even church. I ended up doing some really stupid things, and because of those things, i started looking back at the last 2 years of my life closely. Who am i?
The person who i really am, nobody really knows. I'm serious too. My friends, know me better me than anyone, but yet a lot of things they don't know. I've written about trust before, but something holding me back is trust. Thinking about it, i have 5 people i trust with almost everything. Those people know almost everything about me. They know when I'm having a bad day by the expression on my face, they know when all i need is a word of encouragement that will spark me back to happiness. Those people, are one's i never want out of my life.
But when i say that nobody really knows who i am, i mean it in the perspective of who knows every detail of my life, every thought, every struggle... and the answer is no one. And I'm okay with that feeling, because i know every person who reads this, whether they realize it or not, they are the same way. I was talking to a girl at work, and that's where this subject came up. She was on break and i got to work early so i started talking to her about school and we got in this conversations about fears. My deepest fears are something i keep tucked inside of myself and share with no-one. Even if it seems like I'm opening up to you, there's always more to the story. There has been somethings I've been reliving in my dreams. Things people don't know about. At all. Some things that happened when i was around 11 years old that freak me out and make me scared of everything. Things i don't dare speak a word about. There are stories about my mom that i don't tell people. Stories of being kicked out when i was too young to understand she had mental issues, stories of when she left. So many things.... that only i will ever know. Who doesn't have those stories? Everyone does. They may not be a big deal in your mind but everyone has secrets. SECRETS SUCK.
There's been something I've been keeping inside of me that has really been bothering me lately. It's something i don't mind if people know, because it's not my fault. Everyone knows that my sisters, well they aren't my favorite people. Especially Sabrina. At 22 years old, she has made her life a disaster zone. She's one of the people i have no respect for. And most of the anger towards her, comes from this summer. A lot of people don't have any idea to what happened with my dads house. I've told my best friend, and that's it.
When my dad died, nobody knew what was going to happen to his house. My sister was living in it temporarily, but we never thought much of her living there permanently, but that's what ended up happening. My grandpa decided he would sell it to her. So for the first month after he died, the subject of his house was never really brought up because we had not only his but my grandmas funeral to plan. Nobody got to look for anything, because we were so busy. Then the summer came, finally about two months after my dads death i got the chance to go to his house and start deciding what i was going to do with all of the stuff. It too what's seemed forever. We were potentially not sure if someone was going to move in it or not, so i; a 16 year old at the time had to go through every room of the house deciding what i was going to do with the possessions of both my mothers and my fathers.
People don't understand how hard cleaning out a house is. Imagine this. Your house, right now as it is. You don't know that you'll never be back to organize it, but you never come back. Leaving a child to empty a 3 bedroom house on her own, because my sisters wouldn't help. Thinking of emptying your own home, you would think would take a lot of time, sense the person would have to go through everything, right? I got as much time that i could before my sister went and screwed everything up. The amount of time i got, was about 2 weeks. TWO WEEKS.
My sister, as always screwed everything up. The home that she was supposed to own shortly, didn't work because she got evicted. Which meant i had a few days to finish going through his house before all his belongings would be thrown on the side of the street. Sounds like something fun right? No. I have so much anger towards my sister. She's SO stupid. She couldn't handle the simplest task.
I know this probably isn't making all that much sense it's because i hate writing about it because i get so angry. Long story short, i had two weeks to empty my dads house before it all went in the trash and i would never see it again. It's hard to talk about because we never got to finish looking through the house, so there are so many things of my dads, my moms and even my childhood things I'll never get to see. Eventually, my grandpa drove down and we sold the house, and i haven't been inside it sense. I've driven by it a few times but I've tried ignoring it because I'm so angry with the situation still. See, if you're reading this, you didn't know this unless your name is Sarah.... and you're 16 lol.
I've been getting comment requests on my blogs, but most of the time i ignore them. If you're going to try and send me a comment on this blog saying how i need to forgive my sister, I'm not going to accept the post approval. This is my blog, i know that eventually I'm going to have to forgive my sister, but I'm not doing that anytime soon.
So when i get mad at the subject of Sabrina, it's not only because she's put my nephew and soon to be niece though hell, it's not only because I'm disgusted with the ways she makes money, or how she is just plain stupid, it's because i was rushed doing something for my dad. Over the summer, when i attended the grief class they said to our group every week, take the time you need to start going through the belongings of your loved one, don't rush yourself, it will damage you in the end. Thanks to her stupidity, i had to rush not feeling okay. It's something i don't talk about because i get SO angry. If you were to see how hard my hands are typing, you would get it. My sisters are my least favorite thing to talk about. They are one of the reasons i can't trust people.
I fear trust, just like i fear so many things. I fear getting over my dads death. I fear having any type of relationship with my mom. I fear not being good enough, i fear making a mistake that i can't change. I fear letting people in to let them really know how I'm feeling, and most of all; i fear death. Not just my own death, but death of the people i love the most.
We just got done reading the book, Catcher and the Rye for my Identity class. At the beginning of the book, i hated it. Every other word was a swear word and the main character Holden, just got on my nerves. Then we started talking about the book in class, and i realized this book, connects to me in so many ways. Holden, is a teenage boy who's younger brother just recently died. He based his life around his brother, Allie. He says in a part of the book how when he's crossing the street he yells to Allie to make him get to the other side safely. Holden is depressed. He hates everything. He's feel guilty for his brothers death. Holdens lost, and he screws up a lot, and by the end of the book his life is starting to get back on path. Holden, is a reflection of the person i envision myself as. It's weird.
The book not only made me feel better about the situation, but it also made me think of how pathetic i sound lol. The choices I've been making the last few weeks especially, are not good ones. I disappointed myself. I disappointed my friends, family and people who care about me.
That's where i left off on the blog... 2 weeks ago.
This past week, has been crazy. I had really good days, and then i had days where i hated the world. There was a day that i made dumb plans to do things i knew i shouldn't have done, and there was a day where i sobbed to my best friend because she was putting me under so much stress.
My best friend, is indescribable. She means the world to me. Her name is Sarah, and she lives down the street from me. There were some things that happened that put my life in so much stress that i couldn't handle it. She had told me something that freaked me out, and being 17, i had and still don't have any idea how to handle it. It's all over now, thank God..... but it still happened. To be honest, i think of it often. I think of it every time I'm hanging out with her, or every time i text her boyfriend. And it scares me. And after the most awkward 2 weeks of my life, (And this time, it was actually awkward.) I couldn't help but one day scream at her, and it made everything better, surprisingly. This week, was exam week, but that didn't stop us from hanging out almost every day. Over the last two weeks, i think we've been together all but 3 days. We would be playing Just Dance at her house, playing with her new puppy Lucy, or she would be over here making a mess as usual, watching TV or sleeping lol. This past Friday though, i went over to sit in her basement and have a bum day filled with lifetime movies. Then she brought it up, and i don't know what came through me i just started crying. I started telling her how i was terrified for her, and how it was causing me so much stress. She started crying because i started telling her about all of my fears. Then we started laughing because we looked so stupid. But i went home that night feeling a lot better, and just knowing that she was truly my best friend. Sometimes she's stupid, sometimes she makes me upset- but regardless she's been my best friend sense i moved here. That's incredible.
Today, (Sunday) has been 9 months sense my dad died. And it sucks. But I'm not sad. I'm okay with it. I think it's because i finally feel acceptance from it. The day's not over yet. I still have to build a book case, do laundry and eventually get ready for school. But, i know one thing for sure. This weekend has showed me that things are really looking up.
Good things are happening. I'm not going to tell myself that it's going to stay this way- because it's not and i know that. I've never had a substantial amount of time where things were good in my life. Crap's gonna happen. It could happen tomorrow, or 3 weeks from now. But just because bad things happen doesn't mean that i need to look down. I need to keep my head up. Above the tide. And then, the negativeness shouldn't effect me as much. That may not make sense to anyone else, but it makes a lot of sense to me(:
