Mommy, can you hear me?

This evening, (Monday) was our induction into the National Honor Society. It was amazing don't get me wrong, but something was missing...... my mom was missing.

When i got home, i ran to my room to start writing, because that's what i do when i'm in pain.  And i wrote this; nothing spectacular just my heart trying to patch itself up.

Tonight, reminded me of you. Every time parents were mentioned i thought of you. I thought about how much it would of meant to me if you would have been there. But than i remembered. When you left, you left all of the amazing moments that i will face in high-school. You will never be at those things because of your choice. Mommy, sometimes it hurts so bad. No matter how much i tell people i don't miss you, i do. Tonight was a night that i will never forget, and one you will never remember because you were not there. I miss you mom, and i hope one day you realize how much i am trying to make you proud, even though you don't care enough to see 

It's hard to admit, but i really do miss her sometimes.   I went to the induction with Mr. and Mrs. Robinson and my aunt.  It was hard seeing all of the kids hugging their parents. But- it's something that i have to deal with.  At the induction, one of the board members sang a song that i've played on the guitar myself many times, and that i use as a pick me up song when i am down.  It's called Stand by Rascal Flatts.  Thats when my mom came to my mind a lot more. 

It's hard- but i know that God has everything under control.   Sometimes it hurts more than other times, but i will always remember that every second i could be thinking about the pain my mom puts me through, could be a second i could be thinking about the people who will be by my side no matter what. 

I'm going to post the song below, because it's a really good song! (: 

Don't Worry- about a thing, cause every little thing is gonna be alright!

I was so looking forward to coming home and taking my puppy for a walk and just being outside, while this amazing weather lasts.  But instead, i am scramming to get my homework done in the next twenty minutes so i can make my, to what seems like a routine trip to the hospital.  Yes, once again my dad is in the intensive care.  His Potassium is at rock bottom, and his defibrillator has gone off 5 more times. 

When i got home, before i got the phone call, i was playing Bob Marley on my laptop.  I used to be absolutely in love with his songs, because they always had a message.  I played three little birds and after it was done i got the call.  The line; don't worry- about a thing, cause every little thing is gonna be alright stuck in my head. 

I'm going to visit my dad, and I'm going to have my mind focused not on all of the IVs, not on the oxygen or the heart monitor, but on this song. 

So, i better get started on my homework, because even though half the kids at my school won't be there due to a basketball game tomorrow, i still have a crap load of homework :P

Here comes the sun

Today was a really good day. I've been so busy lately, that I haven't had much time to just relax. Today I did. Usually on Saturdays I'm either at my dads or volunteering but most of the day I was outside on our porch swing with my puppy and God daughter.

It was around 7, that my God daughter, Rylee went inside so I plugged in my headphones and blared music. I just hit shuffle, and the first song that came on was, here comes the sun by the Beatles.

I absolutely love that song. It came on at a perfect ending of a perfect day. Who could have asked for a more beautiful day? I feel so relaxed, all my troubles are starting to fade away. My dad is home and resting, my mom has officially moved into her new house and I finally made up my mind that I will be donating my hair again. Last year I donated a total of 16 inches, this year I'm going to do 5 I think. I'm so ready for spring and summer now. I think being outside in shorts made me also realize, that summer is soon approaching, and my sophomore year of high school is slowly coming to an end.

Now on my iPod, the song just switched to Butterfly Fly Away by Billy Rae Cyrus. If you've never heard this sing, it's about a girl who is singing a duet with her dad about growing up. It's a really good song, and it makes me think about the future.

The future- that's a scary thought. I can't believe that I will be starting my junior year of high school in just 5 months. I feel so old :P.

I think the hardest thing about this summer was that I lost all confidence in my future. I had my whole life planned out. I wanted to attend MSU become a vet and adopt 4 children. Now, the only thing I still plan on doing when I am older is to adopt. I'm not sure what I want to be. I have 4 careers that I would love to get into but it's really hard to choose. A few weeks ago I asked my friends mom from church how she decided to become a nurse. She explained to me that it's because her mom is a nurse. That's how it is for my friend Ashley too, both of her parents are teachers and that's what she wants to be. So I feel stuck in the middle.

My dad- he was in the army, and after being discharged he was in a wheel chair so he had no career.... And I definitely don't want to be in the army. I'm already freaked out enough about my family being over there. And my mom- it's hard to say what her career was, because she had no definite career.

So where does that leave me? I was thinking about this today too and I decided to look at the two closet people I have like my parents. The Robinsons. Mr. & Mrs. Robinson were both teachers and there son Kent, has his degree in criminal justice. That's ironic... Because 2 of the four careers I have been looking into are teaching and criminal justice.

So i guess it's true that a lot of people get their future careers from their parents- or in my case my second parents.

Where ever I end up in life I know that the sun will be shining and I will have people there who love me, whether they are my real family or not.

Something I read the other day- family isn't always blood. It's the people in your life who want you in theirs; the ones who accept you for who you are. The ones who would do anything to see you smile and who love you no matter what.

I love finding quotes like that.  Because they make me think about all the people who do love me instead of the people who don't.  I know that every single person that is reading this blog, is part of my family.  They all have impacted my life more than they know.   The people i give the URL to my blog, are the people that are my family, and the people i trust.  Whether they are like a big sister, or a second dad, you guys shape me into the person i am becoming.

God gave me a family; one that isn't blood related but just related through their caring hearts.  The sun is out in my life, and it will continue to be.  God blessed me so much, and the warm air on my skin only makes me realize that more and more <3

So I'm gonna sign off and enjoy the rest of the evening with my God-daughter, grandma and puppy.

I AM BLESSED <3

R.I.P Jazz

17 years ago, when my parents actually cared about each other, they bought a dog.  She was a 2 year old black lab,  they named her Jazz.

Today, Jazz went to doggy heaven ):   I know that this was going to happen soon, because she was 19, but it's still hard to deal with.   I remember growing up i would climb on her back on her back like a horse, pull her ears and tail and just be a kid, and never once did she snap back on me.  She was the best dog you could have asked for.

The passing of Jazz doesn't come as a shock to me that much, but the pain behind her does.  My parents aren't together anymore.  Jazz was the last remaining artifact that proved  i had a family.  She was the last thing that made me happy when i thought of my parents.

I know that she's in a better place, but she will always be the bet dog i've ever had!   Love you baby girl. <3

Devastating News.

It's Wednesday, 4:32 pm. 5 minutes ago, I got another call. My dads difibulator went off six times today. Heading to the hospital right now. Prayers please<3

I think, I've been defeated.

Tired.  Exhausted.  Worried.  Confused.  Scared, but still manage to keep a smile plastered to my face.  I'm only 16, hearing things such as, you're dad would be dead if he didn't have the pacemaker or you're dad isn't gonna make it much longer, or even, look, see her-  keep being the way you are and you can kiss walking her down the aisle goodbye.  Those things make my stomach twist into a ball.  And I've had to hear them several times the past 3 weeks.

I've been dealing with my dad's heart problems since i was really young.  By the age of 2, my dad had already had a quad-bi-past and 9 heart attacks.  He's only 57 years old, this shouldn't be happening... why is this happening?

That's a question i can't seem to answer these days.  Yeah the doctors have told me answers, but if that's the case, than why isn't anything working?  Last night, my sister called and told us that my dad's defibrillator/pacemaker had gone off once again. She said that he refused to go to the hospital.  And when i got home from school today, i got the news, that it had gone off two more times.

I'm so tired of the answer; we're gonna give him some new medicines and check how his heart rate is, and than he can go home. NO!  Don't do that, it obviously is NOT working.  My dad takes 42 pills PER DAY  to stay alive, if he forgets to take them for a short period of time, he gets sick. I know i have no right to be mad at the doctors, but I'm just so confused.  I keep telling everyone that I'm not worried, because i don't want to talk about it.  But truth be told; i don't know whats gonna happen if something happens to him.  I'm TERRIFIED that him being stubborn will end up with me being forced to live with my mom if he is to pass.

I'm desperate on the inside to get answers that will make sense, on why this keeps happening.  I'm falling apart realizing that my dads life could be soon over.  And since I'm only 16, i can't do anything but sit back and watch.

I feel as if I've been swimming in the ocean the last 3 weeks, and this pressure is building up and up, while ocean just swallows me whole.  I feel defeated.  I feel like i need to just leave for a while and come back when things settle down.

I've had to handle so much growing up, and I've done okay with that. Yeah i may have stumbled a few times, but I've always managed to get back up again.  But this time, there is so much pressure on me, everything i do, doesn't help.  I used to rely on a few things to release me of stress or things that were happening.  I would put in my headphones and blast music in them and let the tunes carry away my fears. But i can't stand music right now, it just makes me get all teary eyed thinking about  stuff.  I used to rely on poetry, but i haven't written a poem in months.  I used to rely on playing the guitar, but every time i pick it up, i can't manage to play the right song, so i just give up.

I just feel overwhelmed.  Right now nothing is helping.  I just want everything to calm down, just for a little while.  Until i can find something that makes me feel like i want to wake up in the morning.

I'm hanging on by a string, I'm willing to let go yet, but i feel so close to being defeated, i have no clue how much longer i can hang on.

I hope and pray that my dad will just stop being bull-headed.  For real, him not going in, is making my life so much more stressful than it needs to be!

If I've gained something good this week, it's that i shouldn't worry about the future, i need to live life to the fullest, and never regret anything.  The picture i posted, is one of my favorites with my dad.  This is one of the only family pictures we have left.

Journalism assignment

For juornalism in the past two weeks, we had to choose something that we feel strongly about, and try to convince people why we are right.   It took me a long time to figure what to write about, because i am so passionate about various things.  I didn't think twice about my topic when the subject of abortion came to mind.  So here's my journalism assignment, it's called, Abortion, or Murder.

She pulls into the driveway of her gynecologist. She’s scared and upset, and just wants to get rid of her “problem”. She goes into the waiting room when just a few moments later, the nurse calls her name. When she stands up, something inside her stomach moves, it’s her child, the one she is about to kill. She lays on the table while the doctor asks her a round of questions, then she starts the procedure- murder…… just in purified words. According to abortionno.com, in America, there are approximately 3,700 abortions that take place per day. Abortions are inhumane and wrong, abortions need to be stopped.                                                             

 Abortion started a very long time ago. It began with woman secretly going to a doctor in a back alley, who would use a hanger to scrape the egg off of the interior walls of a woman’s uterus.  Within the last twenty years, different types of abortions became available. One type is partial death abortions which is when they pull the baby half way out of the womb (can be fully developed) leaving its head inside and cutting their spinal cord with scissors,  instantly killing the baby.                                                                                                                                               The

Holocaust  was an event in history that most people think of as disturbing.  It was a time where Adolf Hitler lead an army against Jews. The Nazis took the Jews from their homes and put them into concentration camps.  They would be worked to death or killed in inhumane ways. People today are still disgusted with the acts of Hitler and the deaths he caused. Yet people still accept abortion!  Which is similar to the Holocaust because of the inhumane death abortion causes?                                                                                                                                

The victims of the Holocaust were murdered, and so are babies of abortion.  In the Holocaust, Jews were not considered human, just like the innocent infants that are killed!  Babies that are put to their death, have no say in what they want. They have no voice in what will happen to their lives. Their parents make that choice. In the Holocaust, Jews had no say in whether or not they wanted to go to concentration camps or even worse, death.   Those are just two of the many similarities between the Holocaust and abortion.                                                                          

 How can abortion be okay? It surely doesn’t seem okay when compared to the Holocaust.  The real Holocaust ended years ago, but what people don’t truly realize is every day we still are involved with a Holocaust, one that kills 3,700 infants per day, 1,350,500 per year!  Abortion needs to be stopped. Stop the endless murders.  Today, women have more choices than ever. Adoption is one choice that would save millions of babies, or even better yet, buy a condom, because they surely cost less than an abortion. There are millions of couples who want children and are infertile.                                                                                              

Although some people believe that abortions are wrong, some people do believe abortion is the answer. They feel it is the easy way out. Pregnancy and raising a child can be scary and hard, but so can the emotional scars left behind when a woman chooses abortion.                                   A second reason why abortions need to be stopped is because the person, who you are now, is the exact same person you were in your mother’s womb.  I don’t justify a mother getting rid of her child that GOD himself knit together in the womb. These mothers are destroying God’s pieces of art.                                                                                                                                   

          Every child, whether handicapped, black, white or deformed have a purpose. I feel parents are selfish when they choose abortion. An infant is God’s amazing work; there is no need to get rid of it. Abortions are brutal. Abortions are immoral. Abortions are  murder and, abortion needs to be stopped.

You never let go.

As many of you know, my dad has been in and out of the hospital the past month.   I've been very worried about him, but i am trusting in God, to make an end to these troubles.

Last night, around 10:14, we got a call.  A call that made my heart fall apart.  My dads defibrillator/pass-maker went off once again while he was sleeping at home, and he was on his way to the hospital in an ambulance.  That was the 5th time it's gone off in the past week.  I knew that it would be easier to just wait at home, so that's what i did.  I finally fell asleep around 1 am, and around 2:45 am, i got a call from my cousin- who went to the hospital with him.  The doctor told her, that if it wasn't for the difib going off, my dad would be dead right now.  One thing i love about my cousin, is that she never lies to me she tells me how it is, and even though i didn't want to hear it- i'm glad i know.

Last night, seemed like impossible to fall asleep, around 3 i went to wake my grandma up and let her know, that he was indeed staying over night.  We  talked until about 4, and then i went outside to sit under the stars and just think.  It was freezing cold so i didn't stay out long, instead i went upstairs to lay down.  When i was laying down i thought of a song that we've sang in church a million times before.  This song, is my ultimate  favorite song, ever!  It's called, You never let go, sang by Steller Kart.  I would recommend this song anyone- because it is the most amazing song i have ever heard!

Some of the opening lines are, And i will feel no evil,  For my God is with me, and if my God is with me, whom than shall i fear? 

That's so true!  I have God with me, so i don't need to fear evil, or anything.  God will take care of the situation, i just need to make sure i have given it all to him.  Well last night around 4:30 when i finally went to bed, i got on my knees and i just gave everything to Him.  He will take care of my dad and i.   This song, is playing through my head 24/7 right now.  It's so amazing!  Whoever is reading this- please, just listen to it.... it's amazing.   

Today i woke up and the first thing i did was call my dad in the hospital.  He;s at Mt. Clemens Regional again, this time in room 273- which is a step down from the ICU unit. I called him and talked for a while, and he told me that his doctors decided that he needs a heart catherization.  I know that he will be okay through it, because he's had so many done.  My grandma was really nervous, but then i reminded her that I've had a bladder catherization and if i can do it, he can too.  She's calm knowing that my cousin is heading to the hospital for the procedure.  Later on in the evening, Mrs. Robinson is taking me there.

I'm not sure, what the outcome of this horrible mess will be, but i KNOW, that god is right here with me, and i will accept what he has in store. Whether or not it crushes me, i will hold myself together, and just rely on him.

When my dad wakes up from the procedure, i will be right there holding his hand. I'm ready to face the challenges that the day may bring, and i know i can handle it, with a little bit of help from the people i love.

I'm posting the song that i was talking about below.  I'm dead serious when i say that this song is amazing. It's a song, like no other- that's why i call it my favorite.

Lord, i know it's hard to understand, but You will be with me through everything.... till the end.

March 4th :P

Happy Anniversary mom & dad! ..... Oh wait, scratch that.


6 years ago today, my dad and mom walked down the isle. The said vows that meant nothing. They lied to each other and our family as they said i do at the end of the ceremony. 


I remember the whole thing like it was yesterday. I was so happy to see my parents finally get married, because i was tired of being the "only" one without married parents. 


It's a weird day considering that the divorce papers were final 2 weeks ago.  And it's just an all around weird feeling. 


So today, my brains kinda all over the place. I'll think about school or something and then my mind will lead back to the wedding.  This is why i never want to get married and have kids.  Because divorce..... it really sucks. What  makes it even worse, is that my mom probably has no idea that it would've been their anniversary. 


Speaking of my mom, i called her last night. Our conversation lasted literally 2 minutes and 45 seconds ( it said that on the phone).  Which is even shorter because it had to ring and then my grandma answered so she had to call my mom who came downstairs then answered. It sucks to know that when i want to call her because she's on my mind, she doesn't want to talk, but when she wants to talk to me, i talk about everything in the world just to keep her on the line. I don't know, maybe just isn't in the mood to talk with me when i'm in the mood to talk to her.


I know my dad knows about today- he's never forgotten it. Right now, somethings going on with him that is really scarring me considering it is dealing with the second most needed organ in the body and he's not taking it serious.   Yesterday, my dad called me and told me his pacemaker/defibrillator went off FOUR times...... and he wouldn't go to the hospital. 


I know that God knows exactly whats going on, but i wish i did too, so i wouldn't be so worried. 


I was reading through the book of Psalm last night and came across a verse that freaked me out a little.  

Psalm 18:30- God's way is perfect. All the Lord's promises prove true. He is a shield for all who look to him for protection. 

That verse freaks me out, because if God-forbid- something would happen to my dad, i truly don't know where he would go.  I feel as if God is putting all this stuff with my dad here for a reason, because He wants me to help my dad find Him.   I know if my dad found God, his life would turn around, i can't express what it would mean to me if my dad found God.

God's got everything under control. All i have to do is sit back and let everything fall into place.

Today's going to be an interesting day to say in the least, but i'm getting ready to go to church, which always makes everything better. (: