The long and twisted journeys of life, are journeys we did not plan.. but journeys we must travel down to get to our final destination. Lets make the best of it, eh?
It's crazy how many memories one little place can hold. This, was my dad's favorite place;
To you, it may look like a dirty, old boring place to be.... but your most definitely wrong. He pratcialy lived here in the summer. See the right hand corner of the dock, where the two fences meet- the baby blue umbrella i bought him for his birthday a few years prior was always standing up tall with the help of a bungee cord. Straight ahead, where the two gates connect- is where he always placed his little red wagon, and next to that was his green cooler which would always have the best snacks on a hot summer day. My dad, was always sad. I can't blame him- he lived in a wheelchair and needed assistance in everything he wanted to do. But one place i know he felt himself at, was this fishing pier. Seeing him smile and act happy, was worth touching all the icky worms. It's located in the Walter and Mary Burke Park located in downtown New Baltimore. And it's a place that will never be the same for me to be at.
This past Friday, my church; joined with the New Baltimore park and rec for a fall festival where we provided 40 trunks where kids could go trunk-er-treating, 4 huge bounce houses and many other small details that made it such a success. The feeling i had pulling up to the park was like the first time you get a bad grade on a test. The feelings were causing me to be really sad. It didn't help when i heard my name being called about 15 feet away by my dads best friend. I haven't seen him since the funeral. Which was 6 months ago. I wanted to run away after to talking to him, because it just made me miss my dad A LOT. So, i decided to take a walk down the pier. I just stood there and imagined him sitting there whistling and then hearing the bell on the fishing line ringing, causing him to grab the pole, whip it up in the air yelling, "gotcha sucker". It made me laugh, because i miss how excited he used to get. I took the urn of ashes i have in my room and i slowly unscrewed the top. I started talking to my dad saying i found the letter and it only felt right to put some of him where he belonged. I sprinkled his ashes in the water, and even though i got sorta grossed out, i knew in my heart that it was what he wanted. Walking away something inside changed. The pain i felt earlier in the day wasn't there any longer. It was like it blew away with his ashes. Once i reached the end of the pier, i turned around and felt peace. A kind of peace that i haven't felt yet. Even though i felt i had closure to his death at his funeral releasing some of his ashes to his favorite place gave me more closure than anything so far. I remember the feeling of goosebumps down my arms as i wiped my tears and whispered; "goodbye daddy".
I know he heard me, and i know that he is happy with my decision. What amazes me was how beautiful it got outside after i left the pier. I took some pictures;
Yesterday, was October 27th. It's officially 6 months since the last time i have had a conversation with my dad. It's weird. Really weird. I woke up distracting myself from it and concentrating on finishing the cupcakes i had to make for our Halloween party. Not only the edible ones, but the one i would be wearing as well. It was a good night and even though it was hard at first to be around all of my friends and trying to act normal, im glad i went- because it gave my emotions a break.
The days have gone by so quickly. Before i know it, it'll be Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year and then my birthday. It's crazy. But- the peace i've come to find at the pier will only make these first a little less painful.
Miss and love you a lot dad <3
p.s- i haven't touched a worm in 6 months. It feels weird. (:
Lately, I've made a lot of mistakes, and it's not only disturbing me, but hurting the people i care about the most. Due to my foolishness, I'm not proud of the person i have been acting like the last few weeks. I don't know what got in to me, or what i got into but thinking about it- i definitely have not been myself. You know who you are, and you know what I've done- i wish i could erase it- but i know i can't. So my sincere apologies to any one I've treated wrongly in the past few weeks. I guess i didn't understand what i was doing until the bus ride to Pankow today.
All of you know, Kari Jobe is my favorite singer. I've blogged about her before, and i usually never shut up about getting to meet her. Her album has been on repeat on my Ipod for quite some time now. But lately- i haven't listened to her. Nor have i prayed,written in a journal, gone to church, or had any real connection with God. Something changed, and I've finally understood what.
When you have a deep connection with someone, your life involves them so much that when that connection is broken, you feel lost. That's what happened to my relationship with God. I know that my connection with him was one of the most important things, but then i started feeling depressed and i just didn't care about God. I avoided him in everything i did. When i would lay down to sleep at night, i would look at my Bible on my nightstand- but i wouldn't reach over and grab it. I would see my radio and think to play Christian music, but instead i would just play 9.63 which in no what shape or form calming or christian. I would look at the picture of my dad and grandma on my cork board and quickly turn my head afraid that they would look at me from the picture with disapproving eyes.
This blog is real, and it harsh- but I'm so tired of hiding about it. I know that those who want to be in my life will accept this blog. And those who don't, can walk away.
Someone told me recently- "Don't push people away at the fear you will loose them". She didn't know this but when she said that i felt like my heart skipped a beat- because that was exactly what i felt i was doing. In the last year and a half, I've lost so many people. Not all to death, but to people moving, or making stupid decisions and not being able to spend time with them.
I've lost my mom- it's been a year and half now, but there is truly not a day that goes by that i don't think about what she did for me. A day that i feel bitter but have to force myself to realize that she can't help what she did. I have to make excuses to not feel hurt at what she did to her little girl. Not only when she left, but when i was a little girl. The things i was put through from her, being told i was a burden on her life, stuff that a child should never hear- i had to put up with and at the end of the day suck it up and act like nothing was wrong because i was so hungry for the loving care from a mother. Even when that "love" was showed through being hurt physically, i needed it growing up. I never found it. I lost my mom, and every day i wonder; what if i would've had a normal mom. Why did God give me her? I was so angry with God when she left and sometimes i still am. When i found out about her moving again from the home she was supervised it- i was angry with God because this new lifestyle of hers meant no one to supervise her throughout the night.
I lost my dad. It's been a little over 5 months, but everyday i think about him if i see someone he talked to, or if i see a father and daughter. I wonder- what if he was still here. Would my grandma be here still too? I feel guilty. All my life i never realized what an amazing father i had. I never really appreciated him, i was dumb for not noticing that he put me before himself. I remember one time when i lived in Orion my mom was really angry and she was taking it out on me. My dad tried standing up to stop her from doing any more- when the next thing we know is my mom had the cordless phone base and it was hitting his legs in the same motion a baseball bat would do. Knocking him right over. He did that to himself for me. Because he was tired of letting her do that. Everyone knows my dad was in a wheelchair- but he wasn't until around that time. Thinking about that- what if it was my fault he was in a wheelchair. He took that abuse to his legs to protect me. And yet, i don't think i ever thanked him for that. My dad was my go to person for EVERYTHING. Now that he's not here i realize that. When my friends were in an argument, i went to him and he helped. When i was in a bad mood i would call him and he would make me laugh. When my mom left- he provided the extra love i needed. He replaced the gap she took when she left and he continued doing that until the day he died. What if my dad wasn't at McClaren Macomb hospital? Would he still be here today? What if i tried harder to make him go to the doctor when his pacemaker went off- would they have caught it in time? What if i got to say all i wish i could to him before he died- would i still feel guilty?
I lost my grandma. The one person who growing up always made sure i had everything i needed. When i was stressed out, or really sad- i went to her room sat in the chair in the corner of the room and watched her sleep peacefully. Her fragile 82 year old body lying there gave me strength because nothing i went through compares to anything she has. She's the strongest person i know. When everything was just overwhelming- looking in her big blue eyes always made me feel better. Now the only reminder i have of those big blue eyes- are the pictures i have hanging in my room. What if i my dad never died- would she still be here? Why did God take her away so shortly after my dad? Why couldn't he have spared me the pain of loosing them both that quickly?
I lost my sister and nephew. She texted me one day over the summer saying she was done with out family. I'm 16, and just lost my dad and grandma, it wasn't fair i had to loose her too. My nephew was the one reason i had a relationship with God that was so strong. I saw that little boy and my heart cryed to the Lord for help with him. I called him all the time and when i saw him he always yelled; "auntie beth!" I miss that voice. It made me feel like i mattered. Like i meant something to someone. I lost them and haven't had a conversation with them since and it's killing me that i can't call up Noah just to tell him that auntie Beth still loves him and hasn't forgotten about him.
I lost Kent- he was the only brother figure i had in my life- and he moved to Batten-rouge Louisiana for a job and i've seen him once in the last 4 months. He used to drive me crazy, but now i miss him like crazy.
I've lost so many other people. A pastor, grandma Ruth, my nieces Shiann and Alexis, friends, people at church.
How can i sit here and pretend that I'm not afraid of loosing anyone else? I can't- because I'm TERRIFIED.
Thinking about the people who mean the most to me; what would happen if i lost them too?
Rylee- my God daughter, cousin, favorite little girl in the world. What if something happened to her, and i never saw her again.
Nicole and Cherie- what if they moved away. What if they found houses in Florida and St. Marten and never came back? What would i do without them?
My aunt and uncle- I rely on them for everything. What if tomorrow they weren't here? Where would i go? Who would take me places i needed to go?
The Robinsons- what if they moved to Texas or Tennessee like they have been wanting for a while now. What would happen to church?
Mrs. Youngs- what if she got a job offer at Port Huron Northern? One she can't refuse since she drives 45 minutes to work and if she took the job it would mean a lot less driving time. I would legit never see her. The one person who makes my bad days positive- what would happen to that?
Pastor Lerrin- what if he moved back to Arkansas, where would i feel comfortable enough to go to church?
My best friends- Sarah, Yvonne, Felicia, Justine, Nicole, Kayla, John, Blake, Henry. What about in a little over a year from now when we are getting ready to leave for college. None of us are looking at the same colleges, so our friendships will be strained because of distance. My life is so filled with them- that i will feel honestly like crap when i have to say goodbye.
And God- i feel as if instead of gaining more knowledge of the Lord- I'm drifting far away. What if i drift far enough that it's impossible to get back to the closeness with Him.
All of these are not out of reason- they are all very possible. I can't stand the thought of what would happen to me if i lost a single person on this list.
So yeah, maybe i am pushing people away. I can't loose anyone else, and no matter how many times people say they won't leave me- they may have no control over it. I'm scared. And i don't know how to tell people other than by this. By writing.
I've been so depressed lately and i can't understand most of it. Some of it has to do with wanting to be with my dad and grandma, stress at home not only from family but from myself, stress with friends, school and thinking about the future. I guess i just stopped caring. I didn't care what people thought of me when they found out about homecoming- because i had a good time even though i went about it the wrong way. I didn't care what my friends thought of my when i told them i was tired of wasting my time living a life where nothing went right. I didn't care when my Christian friends would ask me a question about the Bible and even though i knew the answers, i shrugged my shoulders because i didn't want to think about God. I didn't care when the thoughts of suicide came in my head. I didn't care when i broke down in my room at the thought of who would actually come to my funeral. I didn't care enough that when i got sad i found happiness in drowning it away by going to bed instead of facing it.
People keep telling me that I'm dealing with the grief well. I guess i am in some sorts, but in reality- I'm doing what I've been doing since i was a little girl. I'm shoving it all; the pain, hurt and sadness, as far down as it will go lying to myself every morning saying I'm fine, and i can do it- just keep a smile on your face and you'll get through the day.
But today- it's different. I'm tired of hiding everything. It's come to the point that i can see what it's doing to my life and i want nothing more than for this depression to leave.
That's when i look at Kari Jobe. I don't think i've ever told anyone why Kari Jobe's my favorite singer. You see, most Christian artist sing songs about how we should praise God because of how amazing He is, which don't get me wrong- he is. But, Kari Jobe gets to the truth. She knows that sometimes Our God disappoints us. We feel like he does nothing right, and life gets hard. She gets it. She sings about how when she's broken and doesn't think there is healing that if she just trusts in the Lord, things WILL heal. Broken ends will mend and happiness will come back.
That's why she's my favorite singer. Not only does she have an amazing voice- but she sings the truth. The song that gets my attention every time, is Find you on My Knees.
"Troubles chasing me again, breaking down my best defence, I'm looking, God, I'm looking for you. Weary just won't let me rest and fear is filling up my head. I'm longing, God im longing for you."
Those are just some of the powerful lyrics in that song. It's true and it's whats on my heart right now. Kari Jobe does this thing to my life. When it all seems well, her songs just make me happy. But when i am broken- she makes me want to go to God for my brokenness to be healed. That's what i am focusing this week on. Finding answers. Finding hope. Finding the connection that i once had present again in my life.
So these are my goals for the next few weeks;
1. Learn to not push people away at the thought of loosing them
2. Find God.
It's a short list, but i know both tasks will be very difficult to accomplish- but i can do it, because just like when i was little, my dad ALWAYS helped me reach my goals. There's nothing stopping him from helping me now.
God, as i type this, i think of the last time i prayed. It's been a while. A while to long. I found comfort in you when things went bad, and you were my refuge. Lately, i've been so hurt that i haven't known where to turn. I need you to show me again why i fell in love with you the first time. I need to be reminded of connection we once had. Thank you for not leaving me Lord. Even though i feel distant from you; i know you will never leave.
Here's the video; Find You on my Knees by Kari Jobe
