#life

When is it truly acceptable to say, enough... is enough?  When do you finally realize there are just some things you cannot do, not on your own at least. When does it become okay to put the journal of dreams you have down, and say this isn't reality. When is the right time for anything in all actuality?  When is it okay to realize it's time to make a change in your life, or take that next big step in your relationship. When?

Time, is very complex.

It shapes us, as a person i know time has changed me. I'm not the same little girl that i was on April 27th, 2012. I've learned to smile through the pain, laugh through the tears, and hang on when the line was thin. I've been faced with obstacles, but somehow overcame them all with only minor scrapes and bruises remaining.

Sometimes, i let my mind wander at night and tonight is one of those times. I'm finishing up my Christmas shopping online, and today i stumbled across the gander mountain website and was looking at fishing gear, and then saw how they're now letting you design your own fishing lures now! How sweet is that, even though some of you will have no idea what a fishing lure is :)

It made my dad come to mind. In a sort of bittersweet sense.

I never knew or believe that i could actually smile after he died... and actually enjoy life again. But, time has made me slowly heal. I don't talk about him much, because in a reality, it hurts like hell. But, i'm okay. Which most times, is just enough to make it through.

I don't think i've ever told anyone about my experience at girl scout camp. I was 8 years old, and at this point attached to my dads hip. I never wanted to do anything without him, he was my rock. But when he signed me up for a 2 week horse riding camp at Camp O' Fair Winds, i was too excited to realize i'd be without him for that long. As the day approached, and we arrived i was having pretty much an anxiety attack because i didn't want him to leave. So, he told me something i think about every time i look up at the sky. He told me that we would be apart for a few weeks, but every night he wanted me to look up at the sky- that every star i saw he'd be looking at too, and that we'd always be looking at the same moon. It comforted me then, and every night when i went to bed i would look out my window of my cabin and know that he loved me and would be back in a short time. It made me feel close to him, even though we weren't in the same area. I think it's pretty awesome that he also wrote me notes and put them in various things in my suitcase, i had one in my journal, glasses case, pillow case etc. I remember those things because they're SO important to me.

So, i love looking at the sky, at the millions of stars and the moon- because part of me feels like my dad is still up there looking at them.

It's hard to explain how i'm feeling, because i'm not too sure myself. I miss him, i surely know that. And i miss the littlest things he used to do. Calling me and singing me happy birthday, wrapping my Christmas gifts in layers and layers and layers, blaring Oldies music and singing it so loud i could never stop laughing, and always trying to help me with homework.

I saw one of my old neighbors recently. And she got so happy when she saw me. Her name was Dorothy, and she lived right across the street from my dads house. She was an older lady with two mentally handicapped sons. She told me about how when my sister officially moved out of my dads house, that she put all the trash out on driveway like normal. She said that she saw my basketball that i always used to play with just resting on the curb with the rest of the trash. She got really sad, and while she was talking she paused frequently to prevent herself from getting too emotional. It just made me think.... a lot.

I don't know, why so many bad things have happened. And i don't know why that God chose for all of them to happen so close together, but i do know that something good WILL come out of this.

Lately, especially  a lot in the last 2 months my mom has been trying to contact me a lot. I may have spoken about it once to someone, but just the other day she called my house again talking to my aunt about her new (didn't she just have a new one last month?) boyfriend, and new apartment (once again, had a new one last month). She also asked questions about me which i didn't care too much that my aunt answered. She gave my aunt her new phone number and when i got back from hanging out with my friends that night my aunt told me that her number was on the envelope by the phone in the kitchen. I said okay, went to my room and changed and it hit me.... i don't care to even see her number.  I went to the kitchen ripped the envelope in half and put it in the shredder. Bye-Bye number.  It weirdly just made me feel better. I had no opportunity to use that number.

My mom, has a lot to do with time and my life. She took so much time hurting me, from my childhood. She took time of my life making me feel worthless. She took time making me hate myself, and in the end making me hate her. She's wasted my time- that's what it comes down to. She left, wasting my tears and times being hurt over her. That's time that no matter how hard she tries, she'll never get back.

Tonight, i'm going to bed vulnerable. I'm going to let myself be sad tonight. I don't like Christmas time too much, and the stress of not letting myself be sad makes it worse. I want to wake up tomorrow knowing that Christmas is just one time of the year, and it'll be over in no time.

When you're watching a movie, you can pause, fast forward, and re-wind.... sure it would be nice to have those features in life too, but it's un-realistic. Instead, we go through the pain, but then smile when it's all over. It's just what you make life out to be i suppose.

Even when i'm having the worst of times, some people can always make those times a little less harsh, those people mean the world to me. I love my friends, Ian and Rylee. Because my good times, come from them.

Ready or not

Just like most blogs, i always start off by talking about how busy I've been.... the same thing accounts for this one too!!

So many things have been happening, and in a weird sense, I'm proud of myself for not letting myself get too sad, angry or even depressed. I've learned that i need to focus on the hope and joy of tomorrow- don't let today break me because tomorrow may be the best day of my life.

My family, is falling apart. There's no other way i can simply state it. Divorces, broken relationships, hurtful words, selfishness, and no support from others. My family's falling apart because people allow it to happen. That's the major difference with myself and my family.... they go with the flow and don't stand up to anyone while me.... I'd be out there fighting to save my family.

When i was little, i remember hating the fact that it was almost always a must to get married. Instead of obsessing over the boys at school (okay except for Jesse McCartney and Aaron Carter.... i loved them lol)  I used to write stories in a binder about a girl named Cassie and her horse Patches who traveled to other countries to help those who were hurt. I planned on never getting married, and being a single mother with adopted children.  I was thinking about that stage of my life, when it finally hit me why i feel that way.  Every single marriage I've come to know on a personal level, has been destroyed.

My parents, my grandparents, all of them, my sisters, other family members, friends parents... etc.  It's just become the norm to be divorced.   Not many people know, but the aunt and uncle i live with now, were divorced at one time. When the twins were young, the separated and divorced. It wasn't until many years later when Cherie got married, that they re-married. I've never come to know one relationship where they were not divorced.... and that is why i don't believe in marriage. I believe that in most case scenarios, people come infatuated with a person and the idea of a marriage, love and family. So they act upon those feelings to make themselves happy.  Very little do people actually "fall in love".... that's what fairy tales are. Don't get me wrong, not every relationship is like that, just the one's I've grown up watching. There was just a mutual relationship and they could get a long.

Thinking about that, i asked myself a while ago, what my personal views on it was now facing the future and leaving the past behind. The answer wasn't very clear, and it still isn't .Because in reality, i have no idea. Of course the little 5 year old girl inside of me is screaming up and down yelling, "yes,  omggg yes!!"   At the same time, knowing i won't have a father to walk me down the isle, or a mother who can give me her blessings.... it starts making true love more of  a fairy tale setting.

So when I'm standing here looking at the way my family is shattering into pieces, i feel no other feeling than helplessness. Because i can do nothing, at all to fix any of the situations.

That's the hardest part.... so I'm just standing here trying to make some sense out of all of the surrounding distractions... holding tightly onto my life and hoping everything is soon to pass. In the end, broken relationships, un-trustful bonds, and after the worst of worst arguments, one thing I'm thankful for, is that when something bad happens, through it all my family slowly drifts back together to be there... maybe only for a short time, but it's nice when something like death occurs.

I've been faced with some new recent challenges lately, a lot of them are challenges to fix things I've seen in my self personally. One of those things, is fear.


Because although sometimes i don't show it, i have SO much fear built up inside of me. Fear about everything from getting a bad grade on a test to the big stuff like feeling like i let my dad down.

I talked with someone about 2 weeks ago, and after talking to them, i was feeling really good, but was having some really deep thought so i took out a journal and wrote down some stuff and after reading it over and over i think it's okay to post :)



"Today while talking to someone, I realized how insecure, self hatred and fearful I am. It kinda freaked me out at first because I would never single handedly admit to my fears, but this person practically read straight from my heart. I'm so afraid of so many things, but most importantly afraid to not be loved by those in my family left, and to not have the acceptance of the people I care for the most. I want the approval of people in my life because I long for the feeling of actually doing something right. I long for that feeling that everything will be okay... Because it's never been- just okay. I'm afraid to try things because I don't want to fail at them. I don't want to be a screw up and let my moms words from my childhood come true. I fear that my dad won't be proud of what I've accomplished since he left earth.... I fear that in the end, I'll be completely by myself because so far; every one's walked away. Today I learned a lesson I'll never forget.... I was put on this earth for a reason. That reason I yet to know, and probably never will. But God spent precious time on me making me into the person I am now, the person I'll be when I'm all grown up, and the person I'll be in eternity. So my early New Years resolution, is to stop being fearful of the unknown. Things will work them self out. As it says in Exodus 14:14 The Lord will take care of you, if only you stay still."




I titled this blog; Ready or Not, because lately I've been listening to a lot of Britt Nicole's music. She's a Christian singer, who not only writes some really good worship music, but writes songs about believing in herself and those- are some of the best encouraging songs. I was introduced to her by Ian, who sent me the song, "Gold" and i instantly fell in love with it and started listening to her more and more.  She's one of my favorite singers, and the song; "Ready or Not" makes me feel better on my worst days!

There's a part in the song that goes;

Refuse to keep this buried deep inside of me
Yeah this little light of mine
It's time to let it shine a bit
Cause there's no point in hidin' it
It's everything i am
The source of all my hope
and it's the reason why i stand
and and and and and
I pledge allegiance to being somebody real
There's no more holding it back
I'm showing them how i feel
Cause love is more than a word
It's a noun and a verb
And hiding it's absurd,
ya heard
Ready or Not,
Here i come,
I'm about to show you where the light comes from


I seriously get SO optimistic and happy when i listen to that part of the song. It's So full filling.

That song is my inspiration these next couple of months. Through the hard times.... and the good.

We all are kinda our own lights in the world that can really be so, so dark. It's up to us to show the world.  We just need to put aside out fears, and nothing will be impossible.

Here's the link to the song- don't miss out :)    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fccqaKTz3Ko

Summer Update!

I hate going to court. It's really as simple as that. It makes me feel uncomfortable, and i always get nervous. This morning ( Monday) my aunt and i made our way down to Mt. Clemens on the same drive we took the day my dad died. I immediately recognized the area, we passed the jail, the police station, then the juvenile detention center, and then made a turn into the Probate Court. With the same longgggg ramp to get through the front door. Of course as soon as we walked in it looked exactly the same, we had to get our bags searched and walk through the metal detectors, and wait while the same 75 ( he told us his age for no reason lol) year old security guard pointed us in the direction we already knew. When we got in the waiting room, we sat a table next to where we sat the year prior. We waited for a while and then "File Number 2012- 206,093-GM"  we got up and went in the room. That's what I'm known by. I'm just considered another number. When we got in the room she just started asking questions then stamped the guardianship papers and gave us another paper I'm to fill out and mail in on my 18th birthday. Once they receive it- "you're guardianship will be terminated and you will be an adult and responsible for yourself".

 Okay hold up. I've been filling out college, scholarship and grant applications all summer, and preparing myself for my senior year of high school. I'm already nervous enough for that. Now.... I'm being told the cold hard truth. Once I'm out of high school i really will be responsible for myself. And that's the scariest thing I've ever had to hear. It's not supposed to be this way. I should be allowed to rely on my parents until i actually feel like an adult and learn how to take responsibility of everything.  Don't get me wrong, i know how to do a lot of things. While majority of my friends don't know how to do their own laundry, change a flat tire, file taxes, cook for themselves or do any practical things, i do know how. I begged my dad to teach me how to do my own laundry when i was 9 years old because my mom never separated the darks and whites and always put bleach in and i was sick of wearing clothes with bleach spots. So i learned, and same with mostly everything. But it's the things i take for granted that i never had to learn. One of those things- is paperwork. I fill out a lot of it all the time. Even though my dad's dead and i haven't spoken to my mom in 7 months, they still mail a bunch of paper work to fill out and send back almost every other month. It's annoying and i always dread it because it puts me in a bad mood. Half of the time, i fill out what i can, and for the things i don't know, my aunt fills it in. When i turn 18, I've already been told there was going to be a lot of paperwork. Let alone i have to file my own taxes, apply for FASFA with all that paperwork and the college paperwork itself.... I'm going to be brain dead.

I was always excited to turn 18 because that meant so many new things, but now part of me is dreading it because i have no idea what's going to hit me. I've been coasting through my life with being sorta organized. I never gave it much thought i just labeled binders and knew where things were. Now, I'm going to have to get as organized as possible. If i look around my room right now, i know where almost everything is; everything has a place and unless I'm using it- it's in that place. But i need to do more. So, i started with my college applications. I had a bunch of loose leaf sheets in a notebook and most all the documents i filled out were just in my email. I wanted to have something that i could just open up and look at all I've actually got done this summer. So, i bought a binder. I spent an entire night printing off all of the confirmation forms in my email one's saying that the college received my transcripts, act scores and even printed all of the applications themselves. I then made little sections with tabs and then organized it all into 6 sections for the 6 schools I'm applying for. I went on Exel and made a chart/checklist for what i had for each school and what i still needed to do. Now, I'm currently going through each school and writing down just things i should know like cost of room and board, tuition scholarships directly for that school and things like that. Everything is in here and i practically worship this thing. When Rylee came over last night and she wanted me to paint her nails the first thing i moved out of the way was the binder so it wouldn't get anything on it. I like to look through it too, because it shows how many things I've actually done since the middle of July.

Before i left my grandparents, i also started a binder for my scholarships. I've found that i should keep my essays in a safe place because majority of the time you can re-use your essay up to about 5 times. So i print all  the essays, and on the back side write what scholarship it was used for and when the results should be emailed to me. Since I'll be working on the scholarships for a while, it's not done yet but i am really proud of it.

So hopefully i can start doing this with all the court papers my aunt just has sitting in an over stuffed manila envelope in her China cabinet. It's a big job.... but will be one of the many i need to start getting myself familiar.

The thought of really growing up is sorta freaking me out, because it's not like half of the coming of age stories we've read in English. There's not always a happy timeline.  I don't know how to grow up really. I mean, that sounds silly but what does it even mean to be an adult? To pay all of your bills and have a job?  Well, I'm over halfway there than. What about after i graduate college..... what happens then? It's all just really scary to me because i don't have parents to just rely on.

Before i started this blog i counted 6 rough draft blogs that i never finished. The last two months, I've been at my grandparents in Jackson Michigan. It was crazy. And i kept saying, i need to blog... but i would start one and get annoyed because i wanted to be outside so I'd go ahahaha. All together, it was an okay time and even though i came back home about 3 weeks early, I'm glad!

The main reason i came back early was because of the Big Time Rush Concert. My friend Nicole is like obsessed with most boy bands and singers. She went to the Justin Bieber concert and was just like on cloud 9 for several days after. We got the tickets at a surprisingly good price at DTE for really good seats and we got there super early. It was probably one of the best concerts I've gone too- besides Kari Jobe of course :) The best part was when two of the members of the band; Logan and Carlos came into the crowd and we were within 5 inches of them. Needless to say, we both lost our voices and had an adrenaline rush the whole drive home. We were driving down I-75 south with Big Time Rush Blaring and it was like midnight. It was one of the best nights I've had all summer. Concerts are just honestly so much fun; hence why we're going to see Austin Mahone on October 30th. I'm just really looking forward to it again! Not to mention we get to miss a day of school!

This summer has had it's ups and downs- but I'm at home now and i really like that. I get to see Rylee almost everyday which is one of the biggest things making me homesick while i was there. Speaking of her, she's sitting at my desk right now while I'm typing. Ever sense i got home she comes in my room and we just spend hours together. She missed me doing her makeup and painting her nails i guess since that's all she's asked me to do for the past few days!  today instead she wanted to do my makeup- which i was leery about only because last time when she did it about 2 years ago she made my face look like makeup had exploded on it.I guess I've taught her pretty well because it actually stayed in the right places! And even though i was freaking out, i let her attempt to put mascara on and to my surprise a good half of it actually went on my eye lashes! Hahahhahah. She's now practicing her numbers for school. She's going into pre-school and she knows how to count to 30, she knows the whole alphabet and can write her name, her brothers name and my name. She's pretty darn smart. I love being with her again.

Other than that, summers been pretty sweet. The best part is when Ian came up to my grandparents- for sure!!  I do though miss the 24/7 fishing i had at my grandparents though! All i had to do is walk out the back door and go. I learned a lot of new things too, and one time when i caught a medium size catfish, the neighbor came out and was looking at me and decided to come help me take the hook out because after many failed attempts i was getting annoyed. I haven't caught a catfish that big since my dad was alive and i was always too nervous to take the hook out of them because there antenna like things always shocked me. He showed me how and suggested to use fishing gloves just in case. So, i did learn a few things so that's good! :)

In one sense, i don't want to be back at school but i do miss it in other ways. On August 1st my friend Allison went on her power school to see if schedules came up and they were. But it was like 1 am, and by 5 am power school was "shut down for the summer". Only a hand full of people got their schedules and all hated them. But i really enjoyed mine this time! I'm just looking forward to having the classes i do!

I started the blog Monday, so yesterday and i was just in a weird mood because of the court thing, but today i spent all day with my friends and I'm just in a happy mood, so i guess that's why half of the things i wanted to talk about I'll wait for next week!

I think the rest of the summer is going to be amazing. When Ian came to my grandparents we talked about these weird activities we wanted to do... and they're actually happening. It's called the summer bucket list and we've had various activities since i got home and about 7 more in august that just sound crazy. Jello fight, shaving cream fight, midnight ultimate Frisbee, water wars, paint wars, air time trampoline and a picnic in the park are just naming a few :)  I was really nervous because i never imagined that the turn out would be so good. We have 426 members in the group on face book and well over half are committed to the different activities. It's honestly the best time too, doing weird amazingly fun activities with random kids. And it also brings me back to my belief that you don't need drugs or alcohol to have fun. Because believe it or not, if you have a few things of jello and a bunch of random people it's one of the funniest things you'll ever do in your life. It's a little odd at first, but then nobody cares about anything.

I'm counting down the days to school, but also making each day last as long as possible. (:

Not good enough?

It's funny, i started writing on a whole different topic this morning. About being unstoppable. About defying all odds. And now, every thing's changed. Maybe one day I'll write about being unstoppable, but not when my heart isn't right there with the feeling.

Sometimes i just really don't like my grandpa. I don't like saying that, but how else can i put it?  This man has done so much good in my life, but yet i will never be good enough for him.  He makes sure to let me know that too. I'm not Haleigh, nor Graham, and no where near them..... so I'm literally no-one.

Haleigh and Graham are my cousins. Haleigh graduated her high school just shy of being the valedictorian in her high school in Wisconsin. She started college at Arizona State for her freshman year, and then transferred to BYU which was a Mormon college in Utah for her sophomore year, and is now taking a break from school to go on a mission trip to Guatemala for 18 months. She has done everything almost perfect in her life, and my grandpas always so proud of her when she's  brought up in almost every conversation.

Then there's Graham, we're the same age, but he skipped a grade, so he graduated this year. He's going to Arizona State with a yearly $10,000 scholarship for having one of the highest scores for the ACT math section in ASU. He's going into some kind of chemical engineering which is just like my grandpas career so of course he's all over that. And he never lets a conversation go by about Graham with anyone that he doesn't fail to mention how my uncle mark never seen Graham bring home a school book.

Ever since i was little, I've never felt good enough for him at all. And to this day, i feel the same exact way.

With every decision of mine, he makes sure that i know he thinks it's stupid. I can understand if someones worried about your well being when your older, but he's literally mean about it. I've let so much slip by because i know that he's sick, the cancers back. It keeps getting worse. A few months ago, it came back and he's had surgery after surgery. He's done with surgeries as of last week, but when he went to get a check up, his doctor told him that he has more cancer, and he has to go to a dermatologist soon because his doctor thinks it's in various spots. I get that it's scary, i don't fully understand because I'm not him, but i know that he must be worried about it. And i get that he's an alcoholic, so some things are also different for him in that perspective.

I'm not good enough for him. And it makes me angry. He doesn't like Spring Arbor, but he has no real reason. It's not Penn State, or Carnegie Mellon, which is where he went. So it's not good enough for him. He doesn't like anything i do, or anything I'm involved in. The other day at the dinner table, we were all making small talk when he asked me if i liked some political guy. I didn't recognize the name and i said who is that? And he got mad because it was the president of Egypt, and then took it out on me and called me names. Like a 4 year old. I just sat there and then excused myself to go outside and go fishing. I didn't come inside until 10 that night, when everyone was asleep.

I don't like it here much anymore, and although the 24/7 fishing is awesome, i don't know if i want to even make it an effort anymore.

It's not fair the way he's treating me, but it's also not fair that he won't listen to me explain that either. He's a bitter old man.

When i was little, he used to send out these family newsletters every month explaining the happenings in Jackson, and then he would talk about random stuff. They come less frequent now, about two per year. and ever since i was little, I've always felt like crap because he always had long paragraphs about Haleigh or Graham in there with all their success.

I feel like he doesn't care as much about me because I'm the product of a product he's not proud of.  He's not proud of my mom, and i think he blames himself for her being the way she is. He's always had the smallest slice of resentment towards her, and it feels like now I'm getting that same resentment.

I know he cares, and I'm not trying to make him sound like this horrible man, because he's not. I just don't know what to do with these feelings so I'm just writing. Maybe this will help me handle him.

I don't know where I'm going with this blog, I'm just tired of feeling the way I'm feeling because of him.

From the perspective of a floor

I can't blog. I've tried, and tried several times over the past two weeks, and nothing i start has seemed to be finished. So i decieded to take a break from writing and publish some of my favorite pieces from my english class this year; Creative Writing.

There is no real title, and no real idea just me; being creative.

The prompt was; to write from the perspective of a freshly scrubbed floor.


I am the place people dread the most, the place that is so sanitary you can see your own reflection on me. I am the floor of the ICU at McClaren Macomb Hospital.

Every things white; the floor, ceiling, walls and even the beds. Every things in its place. Then they roll a new patient in, his bed takes up quite a lot of room on me, but i don't mind because he's familiar. His voice, he's been here before.

Once, everything seemed so right, so quiet, so clean. Now, people are yelling, there feet sprinting towards the man. Machines are going off, someone yells; "He's going into V-fib!"  Then hear; "CLEAR!" Forces of electricity rushing through his body, now more doctor. All running, shouting trying to help the man.

That's when i hear him, he's coughing, he can't stop. Then i feel it. His blood, it's all over me. The doctors scatter around the room in more of a frantic mood and start shaking him again. This time, it's too late. One of the doctors now yells; "Time of death, 12:21 am.

Once so innocent, so sterile, so white, is now covered with a dead mans blood.

Then i smell it, the sterilizer. They're washing me. Trying to hide the scent and color of what once was.

I can still smell it, the mans blood. They may have thought it was all gone, but i can't forget it.

Then she comes running in the room, a girl. She screams and drops to her knees. Warmth from the tears falling from her eyes soak through me. She screams, "Daddy!"

In the beginning, i was happy, i was white, clean, pure. Now, the mans blood leaves a stain on me. One that no-one other than i can feel.

Although i may appear clean, the stains of peoples blood is soaked in me, i am filthy.


Okay, so i guess i am going to write about this one. Because, while i was crafting it, i was really going through a hard time with the one year date coming up. And when Mrs. Reifert introduced the topic was writing from the floors perspective, in my head at first i was like, oh great this is going to be boring. Then i put headphones in, and was trying to think about a floor that has meaning to me. Then i thought about the floor at my church. And i was going to start writing about that, but church for the most part is a place where i'm happy. I wasn't in a mood to write about that kind of stuff. So i thought, thought and thought. Then Mrs. Reifert suggested doing it at our workplace, a post office, or a hospital. And that's when it clicked.

This piece of writing really helped me come to better understanding with McClaren. I don't like that place at all, but i'm  not so angry towards it.

A dream I wish was true.

It's Friday, and today i haven't had much motivation to do anything.  Last night, i had a dream about my dad, and it just put me in the weird "funk" of a mood. So many things about the dream just seemed so surreal. His voice, the location, just everything. It put me in such a weird place.

It started off on a school bus. I was riding the bus home, and was sitting next to Nicole, who's one of my friends. We were at a red light in front of the Mary and Burke Park, which is my dads fishing spot. I looked out the window and saw my dad in his wheelchair wearing his burgundy fishing hat that was cremated with him along with my two dogs that he treasured; Jazz and Honey. Sadly, Jazz was put to sleep just shortly before my father passed, and Honey just shortly after. In the dream we were still at the red light, and i somehow got to the front of the bus begging her to let me off the bus. I remember just pushing the doors open and running towards him as fast as I've ever ran before.Honey and Jazz saw me and started running towards me, but ignored them and kept running to my dad. I started crying and asking where he'd been and just kept rambling while crying. We sat there for a long time, just talking and i don't even remember most of it. I remember telling him that i missed him and that i wanted him back. He didn't have  much to say, but he looked tired. In the dream, i noticed that the park was deserted. Nobody was anywhere in sight.  One thing i remember very well though, is that after talking for a little, my dad stood up out of his wheelchair, and walked to where i was sitting to give me a hug. He walked, normally And when he gave me the hug, the same roughness i felt from his facial hairs rubbed against my skin making it tickle a little like it has all my life. He smelt of Old spice cologne and tobacco, like he usually did. We played catch with the dogs in the water, and went fishing. I started talking about my mom, and that's the last thing i remember.

I hate  waking up from dreams. It was around 4 am when i woke up and i was really, really hot and i must have been crying in my sleep which i don't think I've ever done before. I tried immediately to go back to sleep, but it didn't work and i got frustrated.

What the heck does this mean? Why am i having a dream like this?   One that's so real. His voice, is the one thing that gets me. HIS VOICE, was real in the dream, and i keep replaying it in my head. It's scary to me.

I keep telling myself, that it's okay it was just a way for him to reach me. But it scares me still. To have a dream as descriptive as that. Why was his hat there? The exact same hat that he was cremated with. It's scary.

In a way, i wish it was all still true. I wish that somehow, this really did happen. That i could have one more day with him.  I feel like it would help me SO much. But i know that's not possible, and that feeling sucks.

Yesterday, i got a call from my grandpa. We were discussing his eye surgeries that have been going on, and how he has been recuperating. He has a form of cancer in the cornea of his eye as well as his eyelid.  About two months ago, he had the first initial surgery, and from then he's had evaluations every two weeks, and a surgery the third. As of yesterday, he's doing pretty good. They have gotten almost all of the reconstruction done of his eye lid, but now need to go work on the cornea. He had to push the date for me to come down a few days later because he won't be able to drive. He continued talking about my grandma, and how everyday he's getting more and more upset because of my grandmas Alzheimer's and eye problems herself. A few years ago, she had surgeries in her eyes that took a lot of her vision away, and she has terrible times with her eyes. My grandparents live on a lake, so boating used to be a normal thing, they used to take one of their boats out and of course a glass of wine and just go around the lake to watch the sun set. She can't go on the boat anymore, because he doctor said if she gets water in her eyes, she's in big trouble. This also forces her for the past year or so to wear these big bulky goggles when shes taking a shower. I don't understand exactly whats wrong with her eyes, but i feel horrible for her.

Then, my grandpa brought up my mom. I honestly wish he didn't. Because now, I'm upset and i shouldn't be.

He started off talking about the email that he sent a few weeks ago about my mom being in trouble and something to do with the court system down by them. When he told me what he meant by that, i got really mad and went outside and started pacing on our back patio trying to stay as calm as possible.

I guess my mom met this guy named Charley, who was around 44. He was pretty much homeless, and did not have a job. She met him somewhere ( my grandpa didn't say where) and she decided that he was going to be her new boyfriend, and let him move in.  Like let me repeat this; a homeless man she knows nothing about, after two days she lets move in into her apartment...  Like REALLY?

So they were doing well, and then my grandparents get a letter in the mail saying that the court of Branch County has decided that they would not be my mothers payee anymore, because they felt Charley, would.   A man she had know for about two weeks now, would distribute her money instead of her parents.... Sounding more and more wonderful right?

My grandparents were confused but went along with it because they didn't understand what was really going on anymore, so they gave Charley the money my mother asked for from her account, because she needed to get groceries.

I guess I'm not making sense if you don't know my actual mom. She's disabled and the income she makes, she cannot control it on her own, so she gets a payee who dishes her the money when she can prove she needs it. Its prevents her from blowing her money on alcohol, and useless things.

So now, Charley who is her payee decided to go out to the store and spend $150 of my moms money on alcohol (just what she needed right).

On Monday of this week, she got upset with Charley, not sure exactly over what, but she demanded for him to leave her apartment and he wouldn't. So she called my grandparents because he was scaring her.  (Uhhhm yeah. You don't know him, or anything about him dummy). My grandpa answered and then heard Charley yelling in the background who forced my mother to hang up. So my grandpa kept calling back and he said there was a little click in the line and he was disconnected. He got worried, and called her landlord, who called the cops.

Charley was removed from my mothers home, and she now has a PPO (Personal Protection Order) against him.

Nice guy, right?

Part of me finds this situation very funny, because it makes me realize that my choice in guys, is SO much better than hers.

I understand if she wanted to help the guy, BUT DON'T MOVE HIM INTO YOUR HOME!!!

I don't get it.

She's literally the most absent minded person i know. I understand she is mentally messed up, but even the dumbest person alive would have the common sense to not do what she did.

It's been so long since I've talked to her. A little over 6 months, and as the time goes by, sometimes i don't really even miss her. Because truthfully, she never gave me anything to miss.  This was her life, making stupid decisions, getting in trouble, and hurting every person around her.

I wonder if she thinks of me though, sometimes I'll lay in bed wondering what she's doing at that exact moment, wondering if she ever wonders how I'm doing in school, or what i want to do with my life. Anything really, but i know better than to call and get myself involved with her again.  

I used to get the urge to hear her voice, so i would call her phone but block my number just to listen to her voice. To know that she was still here. One time, a guy answered, it was a few months ago, but i haven't called back.

I don't know what's up with her, but i know that I'm glad i don't have to deal with things like this.

Summers been okay so far, sleepovers, hours at Partridge Creek, movies, fishing and some crazy pool parties at my neighbors.

Here comes the sun

My junior year of high school is over, and i am now considered a senior. WOAH. It honestly seems like yesterday i was walking into LCN with a nervous smile and big eyes not able to take in everything at once. Things were so much different than middle school. The hallways for one, were my least favorite part. At my previous middle school, we had pods. A pod was like a horseshoe per each grade. Each one a different color; red for 6th grde, green for 7th grade and blue for 8th grade. In each pod were all kids in your grades lockers, and all of your core classes. So you never had a huge rush because it was most likely your grade in the hallway and that's it. I remember the first day of freshman year, i walked into the building with Sarah standing by my side and we first noticed the noise. It was SO loud. We walked to each others lockers, and then went our separate ways to class. Like middle school, we thought we would be able to meet up in between each class. I had algebra, and she had English. Both on different floors, and we quickly realized that meeting between classes wasn't going to work unless we wanted to spend lunch together at the tardy table also!

As senior year approaches, i'm getting more and more ambitious to see how it goes. It's bittersweet, really. All these years of hard work, determination, a little bit of procrastination, and pain but in the end, i'll be walking the stage and receiving my diploma with some of the best people i know.

It crazy really, to realize that it's going to be here in a snap of a finger.

I've been rambling for what seems forever on the topic of my senior year. I just cannot believe that it's almost here. On one hand, i'm super excited because of all the fun everyone says senior year has to offer, but i'm also sad that graduation will be the last time that all of the kids i walk the stage with and i will ever be together in all reality.

The last day of school was the best. My two easiest exams; creative writing and Spanish. And then the last hoorah with my friends for a little while.

The day started off with probably the best gift i've ever received in my lifetime, because it was completely me. 100% me. And i'm SO excited to start getting my mustache obsession on at my grandparents (:

Then, a group of my friends and i ventured over to Menchies; which for some of you older people on here, is a fro-yo place on 26 mile and Van Dyke. It's one of the busiest places ever to be at. It was a lot of fun though (:  From there, we met up with the other half of the people and made our way to Stoney Creek. At first, we sat in the cars for a few minutes because it was raining a little, and after about 15 minutes the sun came back out(:  We were there until really late and it was just a really fun day (:

Summer doesn't feel like summer yet. It feel like memorial weekend or something, it's mostly the weathers fault.   Today's Monday and i'm already bored out of my mind and can't stand being sick.   We were all dumb enough to go swimming at Stoney when it was 55 degrees out, and now 3 of us have colds. It's one of those colds that just makes you feel icky, and your nose is always stuffy and it's hard to sleep. It has just now started going away, but fishing yesterday was a pain because every 2 minutes i felt like i needed to blow my nose.

Today, i'm getting ready to go into one of my last shifts at work, it's weird. Over time, i've mostly hated my job but it does have it's benefits. I have made a few good friends from there, a few. Most of the people there, i dislike very much because of the way they live their daily lives, and because of how much i know about their personal, personal lives.

I've been getting ready for my grandparents, between packing and picking dates to be back for orthodontist appointments (which after 5 years i'll be getting off this summer!!!!).

I've thought about all the free time that i'm going to have at my grandparents, which will be a lot and i've thought of somethings i want to do to keep myself somehow occupied. I'm going to be making sure to blog once a week. And my goal is to read at least ten books this summer, and then blog about them, which will  be easy for me (:

I think the part i'm looking forward to the most would be waking up and going fishing every morning that i want to. Because my grandparents live on a lake it will be literally walking out into the back yard. All i have to do is untie the boat and take it to the middle of the lake for hours, and just stay out there for as long as i want. I just bought recently a new fillet knife for fish, the one my dad used was getting pretty dull, so i can't wait to put it to use (:  Plus, one of my favorite parts is that i will be sosososoooooo tan this summer!:)

I'm looking forward to this summer, and hoping it will be as relaxing as i think it will be:)

The Asia Project.

A few weeks ago, i was sitting in my 6th hour with my friends and we were doing a write about our "personal buckets". The buckets we were writing about were buckets of despair, pain and hurt in several different aspects of our lives. Similar to my identity book, Mrs. Reifert wanted us to dig deep into our life. She wanted us to go farther than we've ever gone before. We wrote two versions of our 'bucket'. The first one she let us write it any way we wanted, and the second she made us re-write the story with the prompt of; something magical happened to your bucket, craft a story with an inspirational and positive ending.

My first bucket was very dark, and it was a great challenge for me to re-write the story. Sitting at our table are my friends John, Addy, Ashley and I. Addy, was the only senior and when Mrs. Reifert gave us the prompt, Addy asked if she could play a song to the class. She thought it fit right in with our writing. And it did.

The Asia Project is a young man who writes poetry and performs them to thousands of people. His journey started when he was diagnosed with cancer at a very young age. He made a promise with God, that if he made it through the cancer he would live each day like he was dying.

He survived.

And now he's living up to his promise. Poetry slamming is when a person reads poetry in form of a song, but talking not singing. It's very relaxing and makes your mind focus. Especially his poetry. He has so many amazing pieces, all that have a moral lesson.  And even his most in-appropriate one, is one of my favorite ones because of the message.

After listening to his first one in class, i became hooked. And now, when I'm stressed, i listen to him close my eyes and try to take in all he has to offer.

I was driving in the car, must have been a few weeks ago with Ian and i had my phone hooked up to his radio.  We were actually listening to take me to the river by Desperation, on repeat but one of us hit the next button and Sunscreen by Asia came on, i didn't think much of it and went to go switch it because i didn't think he'd want to listen to it but he stopped me.

He was very familiar with the Asia Project, and so we continued to listen to him while my face beamed. I was just really happy.

Ian introduced me to some of his oldest poems, the darkest ones, and of course the funniest ones.

Because of Asia, i was able to craft my second bucket story. It's one of my favorite pieces of writings from my Creative Writing class and i even got a 25/20 on it! (:

So... here it is;

She’s afraid. She’s hurt. She’s mad. She’s sad. She’s so consumed in the negative that even on the warmest day of the year she’s doesn’t feel the slightest ounce of sunlight touch her skin. Stuck inside herself so far that her inner voice in incapable of speaking up. They tell her she’ll be okay, but she doesn’t believe them. The scars are hidden from the outside world. Not one person knows about them. When she see’s them she knows that she’ll never amount to anything. She’s no better than her sisters and her mother. They tell her to suck it up and stand up tall when the truth is; she wants none of this, none of it at all. A smile so permanently plastered on her face, a ‘happy girl’ they would so easily mistake. Buried so deep with so many surrounding padlocks, the idea of revealing her true self was something thought impossible. She feels so alone, the constant reminders surrounding her that she really is. The two people she truly ever felt like cared for her; are buried ten feet under. The life that was once manageable turned too hard to manage. She’s not wanted, and the constant getting yelled at and lectures remind her that. She doesn’t do anything right, absolutely nothing. She’s on her knees screaming to God to take her away, let her life just seem to fade away. The tears running down her face wiping away the mascara she had so carefully applied. The burning sensation in her lungs from hyperventilating make it pure torture when she yelps out that she cant do it anymore. She’s done, she quits. Head pounding, heart beating too fast, face beat red. She manages to scream out, “God help me” as the razor blade makes one last slice across her arm. She drops it on the ground. Her heart starts to slow down, face start to return to a normal shade, and her crying becomes less and less. A sudden rush of peace overcomes her body. As if Gods hand is truly reaching down and touching her shoulder, she shivers. An unfathomable strength overtakes her body. She’s lifted to her feet, standing tall. She then knows that she’s not alone. She has a purpose, and she needs to find it. Life will come to that breaking point, but she’ll be okay because she may not have her father, mother or grandma- but she does have an amazing God that will try to protect her from most storms. He put her here for a reason. She whispers a prayer. She gets rid of the blade, she doesn’t need it. She goes outside to look at how beautiful everything is. A dysfunctional girl, in a mad, crazy world….and yet everything, will be just okay.


Below, I'm posting some of Asia Projects work.  I highly recommend at least watching the first two. Take them in. Actually listen.  Get rid of all the distractions around you. His poetry is beautiful and will give you a sense of peace.

The first one i am posting is called sunscreen. It's one of my favorite pieces he has.

The second one, is one of the saddest ones, but it gives you hope.

This last and final one, is one that I'm going to post, is probably the funniest one, well at least in the beginning. It's one of my favorite messages. 

Won't back down.

It's currently 1:30 am, technically Saturday morning. My heart is heavy, my eyes are damp and my minds spinning a thousand miles per hour.

It's been an emotional couple of hours. And honestly, it came out of no where.

Today, at work i ran into some problems. One of which was getting burnt. We were having a rush, and they needed my help on fryers and i ran back there without thinking of putting on gloves. I didn't directly touch food, i took paper bags of fries and onion rings, put them into baskets and then grabbed them by the greasy handle and put them in oil that was at least 360 degrees. Because i wasn't wearing gloves, one basket was really slippery and some how twisted in my hand and ended up on my arm. Leaving a 3 inch burn. At first i was like oh it's no big deal, but then after my employees said to take of the pickles they made sure i put on right away, i saw how gross it actually was. That's when the initial shock hit me and i flipped out. It wasn't until then i realized that it hurt- very badly. I got off my shift walking with pickles and then burn cream that didn't seem to take away the pain. After many attempted phone calls to my cousins, i gave up and tried a family friend. Who ended up helping me and then hearing from the twins, i decided to stop by meijers before i went home to purchase an aloe plant. Which did amazinggggg things when i got home!  Needless to say, my arm feels better, but the nasty blisters and scars it's leaving is actually really gross!

My emotional night first started when the burn came. To be honest, when it first happened the only thing going through my head was how i needed to call my dad and tell him. He would've first of all been very worried about me, but would've had a kick out of observing it. Then my smile went away, it hit me i couldn't.  I haven't shared this with anyone since it happened, because it scared me too much. This, has never happened.  It just made me feel really sad. Knowing that many of these memories would not be shared with him.

In meijers, when i went to get my aloe plant, i had my headphones in like normal, because i think it's one of the most awkward things running into people you know while shopping, especially when you're in your burger king uniform! So i always put my headphones in!  I was first of all in the plant and flower section trying to find an aloe plant and i noticed the flower smell. I haven't really mentioned it to anyone besides two people, but the smell of fresh flowers doesn't make me feel well, at all. It brings me back to my dads funeral. All of the fresh beautiful flowers sprawled around the room from various people. It makes me think of the funeral arrangements. And how i was happy to pick out the flowers for his "flower bed"  i picked red white and blue because red and blue was his favorite color, and he was very proud to have served in the United States Army. I knew he would've liked it very much. Also while in there,I had Pandora on, and had the Carrie Underwood Station on, which was a mistake. The song; How Great thou Art came on as the duet of her and Vince Gill.  This was one of the songs at my fathers funeral. Both occurrences, just made me get distracted.

When i got home, i quickly applied the aloe which made me feel much better, than my aunt kept suggesting i watched the movie she got in from Netflix called Won't Back Down, so i went upstairs and watched it. That also, was a bad mistake. Although i have to say, it's hands down one of my favorite movies, it was really emotional. And not the movie in general, just the story too it and all the comparisons of my own life going along with the movie.

As I'm writing this, i don't understand why I'm getting so emotional. I keep leaning my head back on the chair I'm sitting on and just close my eyes and focus on the music in my ears. But i need to write, because on nights like tonight the best thing for me to do is write. I just don't know how to craft the way I'm feeling because people don't get it. They can try, but they wont truly understand it.

I do though, recommend the movie. Especially to teachers. The movie was about a mother who had a daughter with Dyslexia, and she was already working two jobs to support them. She got kicked out of her previous public school because they couldn't pay tuition forcing her to go to some dead beat school, with a teacher who didn't care about teaching as much as the paycheck. So one teacher and the mother start a movement of tons of people trying to make a change, and to overturn the school. But they need to get a certain amount of teachers and parents involved and agreeing. They do, and they get there school, a place where there is "No waiting" to fix anything.

It was a really touching movie and made me reflect on my life on all the times I've been told to wait.  And how many times I've been told to ignore stuff. Especially this year.

I've been really quiet about what goes on because of school, because i never thought that it would matter if i spoke up or not. And then when i did open up, from almost everyone i opened up to, i was told to 'ignore it' 'just wait and it'll be fine'. Those words are pure lies.

The past 365 days, I've been bullied more than i have my entire life. From people i was once sorta friends with, that used things against me i couldn't control. That used my dad being dead against me, and my mom leaving against me also. Like every teenager, i fought back because i didn't know any better. Never going to the level they took it, but because as rude as i could. It just became bigger and bigger and it seemed as it would never go away. But it didn't come out of my mouth once to my family, or anyone i trusted other than my friends. Because they were involved in it too. They were told by the same people to go kill themselves. Which later i found really funny when that same person showed up to an anti-suicide walk, starting more drama. The school year was horrible first semester.It never ended, and we started getting nasty text messages saying that my best friend Sarah and i were "pieces of scum on this earth that no one should care about"  Then the truth came out. We (Sarah) and i had been called down to the deputy's office at our school being accused of being "bully's" to this group of 3 students. We literally laughed in his face. We told him everything from the beginning to the end, and he told us to go back to class. He said he'd take care of it. But that wasn't true. It started back up again, and every time we tried to get someone other than a teacher involved, they shot us down saying  "ignore it"  "just wait it through"  I, along with Sarah have come to literally hate those words.  It took 6 months, SIX MONTHS. For my school to finally do something. After talk and talk and talk with various people. All in all, we have talked to 9 people in our school about what was going on. That is too many, and far too long.

The first time we reported what happened, it should've been handled differently.

The movie made me relate because they were fighting for something they needed in their school, and they were fighting to make a difference. Sure, they got turned down and ran into some obstacles, but they never gave up. They didn't just wait around anymore, they took action. Even when they had their own doubts about how well this would work out.

Bullying took me to the edge. I couldn't handle it anymore. And there was so much stuff going on at home and work that i couldn't see anything straight.

But I'm not the only one. I know that. What if some one's getting bullied and it takes them over the edge?  It DOES happen. Jacob Schroeder for example. A thirteen year old who took his own life because of bullying. Who literally lived down the street from me. The freshman across my street, who 2 years ago tried hanging himself only to find his little sister found him when she walked in from FIRST GRADE.  Those are two, just two. And those two even make me feel sick to my stomach.

People don't get it. Especially older people. Who grew up with the saying; "sticks and stones may break your bones but words will never hurt you". That's not true. Because words hurt. According to Jacob, words hurt as much as a bullet going through his head. And Braden, well his words hurt as much as a rope strangling him around his neck. That's the reality of it people. Words HURT.

People say bullying is a phase, but that's not true. What about abusive husbands? That's a bully also. Just like my cousins husband. He's a bully. Frankly, i don't ever care if he sees this. What he does to my cousin sickens me, but knowing she is incapable of sticking up for herself sickens me even more.

Bullying is something that needs to be changed.

Suicide is the third leading cause of death. I truly wonder how many of those are caused from bullying.

I am aware of two actual suicides. My aunts, and Jacobs. Both, from bullying. My aunt Susans was from her husband and Jacob from his classmates.

As I'm typing this, I'm listening to the song "Fix You" by coldplay. The song is a perfect song put on repeat for this blog.

If I've learned anything in 17 years here, change is hard. And there will be points where you don't want to try anymore because there will be too many set backs.

Bullying is something that goes unseen, and i want to do everything possible to make it visible.

"Be the change you wish to see in the world."  Gandhi

I am who i am

I am.


I am a 17 year old girl, who has huge dreams but is worried she won't be able to make them come true.

I am, my grandmas "brown eyed- brown haired" grand-daughter.

I am my daddy's little girl.

I am a believer, who has trust issues.

I am a person who gets tired of holding on

I am a person who takes on the world

I am a person who lets the littlest things get to me.

I am a person, that struggles with opening up, because it hurts too much.

I am person who has been hurt so much that i have a permanent guard up.

I am a person who turns to my blog, and writing in general when things get tough,

I am a person who struggles with average things.

I am a person with some of the worlds most amazing friends

I am a person who loves the word awkward, because that's exactly what i am (:

I am a person who likes adventures and could spend hours upon hours in the woods in my backyard.

I am a person who holds a lot of anger.

I am a person who finds myself getting into very deep thought.

I am shy, quiet, and scared of soooo many things.

I am a junior, and soon to be senior, and that's scary!!

I am a person who doesn't really like traditional things

I am a person who loves, loves, loves school projects.

I am a person who truly believes laughter is the best type of medication.

I am Elizabeth Rosemarie Hoffmanner Brendle ( nobody calls me that at all though)

I am a student

I am a God mother

I am a friend

I am a Christian

I am a 'King Venture' employee

I am different

I am me, and I'm okay with that

(:

If only

If only.    If only, i had an easier living situation, i may be more open.    If only i wasn't the kind of person who is afraid of my own shadow, i wouldn't be living in fear.   If only i wasn't the kind of person who has so many things to deal with, i wouldn't feel so sad all the time. If only........   If only.......   If only.......


Right now, today, Tuesday, I'm in the worst state of mind I've been in, in months. I'm not going to say much about it, other than i cannot handle this anymore. I can't handle a lot of things.   I'm barely handling school on top of work and my home life.


I give up. I can only handle so much. I'm going to be a quitter. I'm okay with that.


I'm calling quits.


Today, my head is numb. I don't feel anything. Perhaps it's from the tear stained pillows of mine last night. Or maybe from the yawns that wont stop. Or my recollection of my many thoughts last night.

Things will never change, no matter how hard i try, they wont. If only.......

Mother's Day 2013

I feel like a broken record. I feel like my words will never express how much I'm hurt. I feel like no matter how many people I confide in, they'll never truly understand. I feel like I'm not good enough, I wasn't for her. 

I dread Mother's Day. I dread it. I dread the fact that although Father's Day is hard- my dad didn't chose to leave. My mom did. It was her choice an she chose against having a family, having a daughter, having me. 

Today, I feel bitter. Have you ever felt so worthless that even the person who was supposed to love you the most didn't want you? The person that held you in her womb for months, the one who was supposed to be there for you always. He left. 

Whomever is reading this, look at your own relationships with your mother. Imagine if she just left you. You would be lost. How can someone that is supposed to love me so much leave?  I don't understand it, and I'm hurt. 

Where i'm from

I uploaded this onto my other blog as well (elizabethrosemarie.blogspot.com) but here is a poem i currently wrote for my creative writing class.  It's called where i'm from.

Where I come from,

Smiles were rare, laughs were seldom

And love was a word unknown

I’m from punches and handfuls of hair,

From bruises, pain and tears.

From loneliness and self-hatred.

Where I come from,

Promises never went unbroken,

Broken relationships were a trend,

I’m from un-truthful wedding vows,

And my mother taking one too many pills

Where I come from,

Depression came easy,

Religion was frowned upon,

Hope was hard to find

And alcohol was always present.

Where I come from, fishing twelve hours a day, was normal

The stories from my father came daily,

And a bond between father and daughter was created

Where I’m going,

Is not anywhere close to where I’m from.

Where I’m going… is far

I’m going towards my hopes and dreams.

Going farther than anyone in my family before-

Where I’m going is towards success and happiness

Where I’m going, is to make a difference.

Where ever i may go

Not giving it much thought, I've decided to start a second blog. I am still going to post on here, but the new one is specifically for pieces of writings I've done. Some of my pieces I'm really proud of- so why not share them?  In the past few months, my blog has been getting so many views that I'm still amazed. I'm getting views from all over the world. My post overview shows that  besides the United States, the United Kingdom and Germany are my second top viewers. Watching my views go higher and higher just puts a smile on my face. I think it's awesome.   My new blog is under 'construction'. I'm currently digging up old stories that I've written. The url for that one is very similar to this one; elizabethrosemarie.blogspot.com  I'm really excited for this new blog because it's giving me the opportunity to share things i wouldn't normally post.  This blog, is completely personal. The blog i just started will be various journal entries, poems, creative writing assignments, and past writings that i will share. They will be deep, dark, bright, happy and in general awesome. It's open now, but i only have one story posted! Hopefully this blog goes as well as this one!(: