Ready or not

Just like most blogs, i always start off by talking about how busy I've been.... the same thing accounts for this one too!!

So many things have been happening, and in a weird sense, I'm proud of myself for not letting myself get too sad, angry or even depressed. I've learned that i need to focus on the hope and joy of tomorrow- don't let today break me because tomorrow may be the best day of my life.

My family, is falling apart. There's no other way i can simply state it. Divorces, broken relationships, hurtful words, selfishness, and no support from others. My family's falling apart because people allow it to happen. That's the major difference with myself and my family.... they go with the flow and don't stand up to anyone while me.... I'd be out there fighting to save my family.

When i was little, i remember hating the fact that it was almost always a must to get married. Instead of obsessing over the boys at school (okay except for Jesse McCartney and Aaron Carter.... i loved them lol)  I used to write stories in a binder about a girl named Cassie and her horse Patches who traveled to other countries to help those who were hurt. I planned on never getting married, and being a single mother with adopted children.  I was thinking about that stage of my life, when it finally hit me why i feel that way.  Every single marriage I've come to know on a personal level, has been destroyed.

My parents, my grandparents, all of them, my sisters, other family members, friends parents... etc.  It's just become the norm to be divorced.   Not many people know, but the aunt and uncle i live with now, were divorced at one time. When the twins were young, the separated and divorced. It wasn't until many years later when Cherie got married, that they re-married. I've never come to know one relationship where they were not divorced.... and that is why i don't believe in marriage. I believe that in most case scenarios, people come infatuated with a person and the idea of a marriage, love and family. So they act upon those feelings to make themselves happy.  Very little do people actually "fall in love".... that's what fairy tales are. Don't get me wrong, not every relationship is like that, just the one's I've grown up watching. There was just a mutual relationship and they could get a long.

Thinking about that, i asked myself a while ago, what my personal views on it was now facing the future and leaving the past behind. The answer wasn't very clear, and it still isn't .Because in reality, i have no idea. Of course the little 5 year old girl inside of me is screaming up and down yelling, "yes,  omggg yes!!"   At the same time, knowing i won't have a father to walk me down the isle, or a mother who can give me her blessings.... it starts making true love more of  a fairy tale setting.

So when I'm standing here looking at the way my family is shattering into pieces, i feel no other feeling than helplessness. Because i can do nothing, at all to fix any of the situations.

That's the hardest part.... so I'm just standing here trying to make some sense out of all of the surrounding distractions... holding tightly onto my life and hoping everything is soon to pass. In the end, broken relationships, un-trustful bonds, and after the worst of worst arguments, one thing I'm thankful for, is that when something bad happens, through it all my family slowly drifts back together to be there... maybe only for a short time, but it's nice when something like death occurs.

I've been faced with some new recent challenges lately, a lot of them are challenges to fix things I've seen in my self personally. One of those things, is fear.


Because although sometimes i don't show it, i have SO much fear built up inside of me. Fear about everything from getting a bad grade on a test to the big stuff like feeling like i let my dad down.

I talked with someone about 2 weeks ago, and after talking to them, i was feeling really good, but was having some really deep thought so i took out a journal and wrote down some stuff and after reading it over and over i think it's okay to post :)



"Today while talking to someone, I realized how insecure, self hatred and fearful I am. It kinda freaked me out at first because I would never single handedly admit to my fears, but this person practically read straight from my heart. I'm so afraid of so many things, but most importantly afraid to not be loved by those in my family left, and to not have the acceptance of the people I care for the most. I want the approval of people in my life because I long for the feeling of actually doing something right. I long for that feeling that everything will be okay... Because it's never been- just okay. I'm afraid to try things because I don't want to fail at them. I don't want to be a screw up and let my moms words from my childhood come true. I fear that my dad won't be proud of what I've accomplished since he left earth.... I fear that in the end, I'll be completely by myself because so far; every one's walked away. Today I learned a lesson I'll never forget.... I was put on this earth for a reason. That reason I yet to know, and probably never will. But God spent precious time on me making me into the person I am now, the person I'll be when I'm all grown up, and the person I'll be in eternity. So my early New Years resolution, is to stop being fearful of the unknown. Things will work them self out. As it says in Exodus 14:14 The Lord will take care of you, if only you stay still."




I titled this blog; Ready or Not, because lately I've been listening to a lot of Britt Nicole's music. She's a Christian singer, who not only writes some really good worship music, but writes songs about believing in herself and those- are some of the best encouraging songs. I was introduced to her by Ian, who sent me the song, "Gold" and i instantly fell in love with it and started listening to her more and more.  She's one of my favorite singers, and the song; "Ready or Not" makes me feel better on my worst days!

There's a part in the song that goes;

Refuse to keep this buried deep inside of me
Yeah this little light of mine
It's time to let it shine a bit
Cause there's no point in hidin' it
It's everything i am
The source of all my hope
and it's the reason why i stand
and and and and and
I pledge allegiance to being somebody real
There's no more holding it back
I'm showing them how i feel
Cause love is more than a word
It's a noun and a verb
And hiding it's absurd,
ya heard
Ready or Not,
Here i come,
I'm about to show you where the light comes from


I seriously get SO optimistic and happy when i listen to that part of the song. It's So full filling.

That song is my inspiration these next couple of months. Through the hard times.... and the good.

We all are kinda our own lights in the world that can really be so, so dark. It's up to us to show the world.  We just need to put aside out fears, and nothing will be impossible.

Here's the link to the song- don't miss out :)    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fccqaKTz3Ko