Time, is very complex.
It shapes us, as a person i know time has changed me. I'm not the same little girl that i was on April 27th, 2012. I've learned to smile through the pain, laugh through the tears, and hang on when the line was thin. I've been faced with obstacles, but somehow overcame them all with only minor scrapes and bruises remaining.
Sometimes, i let my mind wander at night and tonight is one of those times. I'm finishing up my Christmas shopping online, and today i stumbled across the gander mountain website and was looking at fishing gear, and then saw how they're now letting you design your own fishing lures now! How sweet is that, even though some of you will have no idea what a fishing lure is :)
It made my dad come to mind. In a sort of bittersweet sense.
I never knew or believe that i could actually smile after he died... and actually enjoy life again. But, time has made me slowly heal. I don't talk about him much, because in a reality, it hurts like hell. But, i'm okay. Which most times, is just enough to make it through.
I don't think i've ever told anyone about my experience at girl scout camp. I was 8 years old, and at this point attached to my dads hip. I never wanted to do anything without him, he was my rock. But when he signed me up for a 2 week horse riding camp at Camp O' Fair Winds, i was too excited to realize i'd be without him for that long. As the day approached, and we arrived i was having pretty much an anxiety attack because i didn't want him to leave. So, he told me something i think about every time i look up at the sky. He told me that we would be apart for a few weeks, but every night he wanted me to look up at the sky- that every star i saw he'd be looking at too, and that we'd always be looking at the same moon. It comforted me then, and every night when i went to bed i would look out my window of my cabin and know that he loved me and would be back in a short time. It made me feel close to him, even though we weren't in the same area. I think it's pretty awesome that he also wrote me notes and put them in various things in my suitcase, i had one in my journal, glasses case, pillow case etc. I remember those things because they're SO important to me.
So, i love looking at the sky, at the millions of stars and the moon- because part of me feels like my dad is still up there looking at them.
It's hard to explain how i'm feeling, because i'm not too sure myself. I miss him, i surely know that. And i miss the littlest things he used to do. Calling me and singing me happy birthday, wrapping my Christmas gifts in layers and layers and layers, blaring Oldies music and singing it so loud i could never stop laughing, and always trying to help me with homework.
I saw one of my old neighbors recently. And she got so happy when she saw me. Her name was Dorothy, and she lived right across the street from my dads house. She was an older lady with two mentally handicapped sons. She told me about how when my sister officially moved out of my dads house, that she put all the trash out on driveway like normal. She said that she saw my basketball that i always used to play with just resting on the curb with the rest of the trash. She got really sad, and while she was talking she paused frequently to prevent herself from getting too emotional. It just made me think.... a lot.
I don't know, why so many bad things have happened. And i don't know why that God chose for all of them to happen so close together, but i do know that something good WILL come out of this.
Lately, especially a lot in the last 2 months my mom has been trying to contact me a lot. I may have spoken about it once to someone, but just the other day she called my house again talking to my aunt about her new (didn't she just have a new one last month?) boyfriend, and new apartment (once again, had a new one last month). She also asked questions about me which i didn't care too much that my aunt answered. She gave my aunt her new phone number and when i got back from hanging out with my friends that night my aunt told me that her number was on the envelope by the phone in the kitchen. I said okay, went to my room and changed and it hit me.... i don't care to even see her number. I went to the kitchen ripped the envelope in half and put it in the shredder. Bye-Bye number. It weirdly just made me feel better. I had no opportunity to use that number.
My mom, has a lot to do with time and my life. She took so much time hurting me, from my childhood. She took time of my life making me feel worthless. She took time making me hate myself, and in the end making me hate her. She's wasted my time- that's what it comes down to. She left, wasting my tears and times being hurt over her. That's time that no matter how hard she tries, she'll never get back.
Tonight, i'm going to bed vulnerable. I'm going to let myself be sad tonight. I don't like Christmas time too much, and the stress of not letting myself be sad makes it worse. I want to wake up tomorrow knowing that Christmas is just one time of the year, and it'll be over in no time.
When you're watching a movie, you can pause, fast forward, and re-wind.... sure it would be nice to have those features in life too, but it's un-realistic. Instead, we go through the pain, but then smile when it's all over. It's just what you make life out to be i suppose.
Even when i'm having the worst of times, some people can always make those times a little less harsh, those people mean the world to me. I love my friends, Ian and Rylee. Because my good times, come from them.
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