I wrote this a few weeks ago.

At once, you were gone.

Finally coming to peace

Before, the anger never seemed to cease

Years of pain and struggle,

Only to find you gone

Taken away at first,

Numb to the root of my bone.

Afraid alone and silent

Because you had just gone

No goodbye or see you later,

No Im sorry or even I love you

Silence; quite enough to hear my own silent sobs

You told, me you'd always be there

To wipe away my tears,

To love me,

To laugh with me,

To just be there

Why did you decide to leave that all behind

When you left, you not only left dad...

You left me

You left the one person you've hurt all of her life

You left a child, hopelessly facing the world

Feeling alone, and not loved

You left the one person,

Who only wanted the best for you

The one person, who would forgive you for anything

At once, you were gone....

I've accepted and moved on

I'm not "that" girl that you left

Because the girl you left,

The one crying all the time,

Has replaced those tears with laughs

The one who was afraid of trust,

Is learning slowly to trust again

The one you called daughter,

Is learning to be called, God-Mother instead

Because she knows, that title will never leave her

The one who felt alone

Woke up to reality

And now knows she is the farthest thing from alone

At once, you were gone, and everything seemed chaotic,

At once you were gone and now it’s four months later,

And everything…… is just perfect.

R.I.P Dayne Liberty.

Today, when in S.T.A.T.I.C, I asked the kids if they had any prayer requests. Some of the usual; pray for me, I'm sick, or pray that i did good on the test i took today, and even about Mr. Kevin's daughter finally having her baby! I myself had a prayer request. I asked the people to pray for Dayne Liberty's family. He was a student in my grade who went to my school, who died a year ago this  Friday of cancer.

Upon thinking of the memories of when i heard he had passed, i began thinking about how i met him. It was a usual day at lunch, it was my best friends; Sarah, Felicia, Haley and John sitting at our lunch table, when i looked up, i saw this kid who i never seen before sitting alone. I pointed him out to Sarah and we both decided to leave him alone, he sat there for a few more days alone, just eating his lunch when one day i grabbed Sarah and took her over to him. He looked a little weirded out at first, not really knowing what to think- two random girls just walked up to him. I sat down across from him and introduced myself as well as Sarah. I knew she was un-comfortable, but i wanted her to be there, and i am still glad that she was.  I invited him over to our table and at first he said no so i said okay and went back to our table. The next day, Sarah and i went back to him and asked him again if he wanted to sit by us, this time he said sure.  For the rest of the months leading up to his death, that's where he sat.

He was in my 4th hour history class, he always was the one paying attention when he was supposed to, and the person who at other times made you laugh until your stomach hurt. Dayne was super smart, when Mrs. Korolowicz would ask a question, his hand was always one of the first to shoot up. I knew him for about three months, and then we went on Thanksgiving Break.

When i returned to school, i was happy to see all my friends again, and was excited to tell people about my trip to Wisconsin. You know those times when you can recall, everything that happened at those weird moments, like your living it all over again? Well every time i start to think about this; the moment i found out he died, replays in my head. I had walked into Ms. Henckels class for first hour. I went to go sit at my spot next to Allura, and we were talking about or break, and what we did. She noticed that something was wrong with Ms. Henckel, but we blew it off, just assuming that she was tired. Then came the announcements for the day, i still remember Mr. Jackson's voice saying that he hoped we had a good Thanksgiving, he went on with the usual announcements and a few minutes later he announced it. He told us that over the  break, a freshman named Dayne Liberty had passed away of cancer.  He asked us for  a moment of silence, which everyone including the loud mouths in my class did.

I remember the spinning emotions in my head, trying not to cry, not knowing what to think. The rest of the day until 4th hour was  a blur. When i walked into my 4th hour, Sarah and i started talking and immediately Dayne was our topic. We couldn't believe that someone who seemed so happy and so normal, was really hiding who he was. A few minutes into the class, Dayne's counselor walked in the room and started talking about him. Sarah and i were the only two who really knew him, and we broke down. I've never cried in school before, and neither has Sarah. The next few days were all gloomy between Sarah and i. We were both still very upset and didn't know who to talk to. I don't know how we came across this, but one day she came to my house and we decided to write his parents a letter, explaining to them how sorry we were for them and how Dayne changed our perspective in life.

Although, i did not know him super well, i knew him enough to know that he was brave, that he he was smart, and really funny. I didn't know him well enough to know that he battled cancer, like he had all of his life.  I'm glad. I knew the Dayne Liberty that he wanted people to know. He had not mentioned once to anyone about his journey with cancer, which to me is remarkable. I can't believe it has been a year this Friday already, it's gone by so quickly.

Although i only knew Dayne for a few months, i learned a big life lesson from him; every second that you get to spend on this Earth, make the best out of it. Don't let  a day go bye where you regret anything, act like if today is your last day on earth, and cherish those moments.

I pray that Dayne's family is doing okay these day's and they are going to to Lord with their sorrows, i know that losing someone isn't easy, but i also know that if you have God in your life, things will always get better.

R.I.P Dayne Liberty 11.25.2010 <3

Best piece of advice I've had in a while

When Life gives you issues, P.U.S.H it away.......


P-ray
U-ntil
S-omething
H-appens


And let God do the work (:


This seriously made my day :)

Love the lyrics

I believe, the over-all message in this song, is really good!

My youngest nephew; Noah.

Noah, 2 years old.

Last year Thanksgiving.

This summer, at the New Baltimore Beach with Sarah and Noah.

A few weeks ago at Rylee's birthday party

4 moths, with no tears.

It's been four months since the last time i talked to my mom, 6 months since i had a normal conversation with her. These months have flown by, and i am actually doing great compared to how i thought i would be handling it. There's not much of a purpose to this blog, just a short thank you, for all the prayers i have been receiving, i definitively feel God's presence in my life. The months ahead, are going to come and go bye and i'm still going to be great, i have support from so many people and i have God, what else does a teenage girl need? (: <3

Life, through my nephews eye's

Today after school, instead of following the mad rush of teenagers going to see Breaking Dawn, i went to spend the day at my dad's.  Although it started off really annoying because no-one was home..... and i didn't have my key, so i had to crawl through a window. (and if any of you really know me, you'll know that i am not the tallest person in the world, so yeahhh...it was challenging.) hahah, but i made it in, and then when i heard car doors shut i jumped behind the couch and when my nephew walked in i jumped out to scare him. I miss him so much, and every time i get to see him i feel blessed to have him.  My favorite reaction is when he yells, "aunt Beth!!"  It makes me feel so important in his life.

When i look at him, i see white, crystal like, because he is too young to understand the world. Too young, to feel the pain that the world inflicts on us, to young to hear the harsh words spoken daily. He is innocent, and that's what i admire of him. He doesn't see the world as a scary place, because all he knows is, just kid stuff. I wish i could view life like he does. I wish  could wake up in the morning not to think about the struggles i have in life, but to look forward to those mornings cartoons. 

I love my nephew so much, he's the cutest kid alive. He was born pre-mature when my sister was 16. He was born with gastrocesis, which is when all of his intestines were on the outside of his stomach, he was recently diagnosed with ADHD, but that's not stopping him, from being the amazing kid he is. He's going to have struggles, but we all do! He's going to make mistakes, but hopefully, he will learn from them. I know that he knows i love him, and i know that he loves me

Sometimes i think about the impact i am making in his life, am i doing enough? Am i putting forth all of my effort to make sure, that he is having the best  life possible? Am i doing enough to make sure that he knows Christ's love? Am i doing enough to be the best aunt i can? I'm not sure, but I'm trying as hard as i can, and that's all that matters. At the age of two, i had him saying prayers with me on the phone when i would call him to tell him goodnight, when i would babysit him and put him to bed, i would tell him the story of Noah's Ark, (since his name is Noah). The little things i do on a daily bases, in front of him hopefully will impact him enough so he will understand that in order to live life, it should be with Christ. 

Every night, he is included in my prayers. He means the world to me, when i see him and he comes running and throws his arms around my neck and says "I missed you aunt Beth", i feel like i am wanted in this world.  When i see him laugh at silly things, or when he says the weirdest things that crack me up, i just stand in awe, at the precious gift God has given me. At four years old, he has stolen something from me, he has stolen my heart. He has taken my heart and with every four year old giggle, smile or tear, he has used it, and made me love him more and more. 

Noah Aaron Michael Brendle, born on November 21st, 2007, at 4:21 pm. He weighed  5.4 lbs.  and was 19 ¼ inches long. Now weighing 36lbs, and growing taller each day, he still fills me heart with joy. I'll always love my nephew, and i will always want the best for him.

I just had to put this on here :P

I saw this on Tumblr, and couldn't help but think how perfect this truly is. <3

A Well Needed Break.

So, lately i have tried to write a blog at least every 3 days.... but this week i am on test overload. I have a chemistry test, math quiz and journalism test tomorrow, AP Gov test Thursday, and English and Spanish test on Friday, as well as a photo project due Friday.  I need to study my brains out, because i am overwhelmed with getting good grades on all of them. In order to stay un-grounded and be able to go to static and church, i need to keep my grade's up.  I hate that feeling when you see you'r GPA dropping by decimals slowly. I have almost always had a 3.6, now i have a 3.542.  So i most likely won't be on here until Friday after school- NO WAIT!! BREAKING DAWN COMES OUT ON FRIDAY! <3   So.... yeah, no posts until Saturday lol.  So pray that i get through these tests,  with at least B's please, and that i attempt to get to bed by 11:30. (:

Precious Time, that's flew by.

This weekend upon reading the book of Ecclesiastes, i came upon a verse that made me stop, and really think about what i was reading. The verse is; Ecclesiastes-3:1-8 (NIV);
         


 ¹ There is a time for everything, 
   and a season for every activity under the heavens:

 ² a time to be born and a time to die,
   a time to plant and a time to uproot,
 ³ a time to kill and a time to heal,
   a time to tear down and a time to build,
 ⁴ a time to weep and a time to laugh,
   a time to mourn and a time to dance,
 ⁵ a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
   a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
 ⁶ a time to search and a time to give up,
   a time to keep and a time to throw away,
 ⁷ a time to tear and a time to mend,
   a time to be silent and a time to speak,
 ⁸ a time to love and a time to hate,
   a time for war and a time for peace.

To me, this Bible verse represents time.  It represents the time we have for things. Analyzing deeper into this passage i thought about how fast time has gone bye. How my nephew, is going to be 4- on November 21st, how the youngest sister i have just turned 21 about two weeks ago, how i myself am going to be 16, in less than two months. Time has flown by so fast, and a lot of it- i have taken for granted. I am blessed to have time on Earth, some children are brought into this world only to be brought right back out, for example my niece; Heaven lee. Her presence on Earth, blessed my family for a very short time of 7 hours, until God decided that he wanted her. Loosing a child, that young is so hard, especially on my sister Erika, she still suffers from the loss these days.

I am blessed to have a roof over my head, and food to eat. My church does annual trips to El Salvador, one that i wish to participate in very soon. My friend Erin has gone there about 3 times, and every time she comes back, you can see the change inside of her. Talking to some people who have gone, tell me that the hardest parts, are when they see what these people have, huts for home, maybe if lucky one meal a day which consists of a stale tortilla and some beans. They tell me that even though they have nothing compared to us- their faith means so much more to them.  They worship God like they haven't seen before, they devote their lives to him, and  even though they have barely anything, they rejoice in their faith.

My life, all 15 years  of it, are a blessing.  During those 5,789 days, i have done so many things.  I have been an aunt since the day i was born, i have been to Florida, Pennsylvania, Maryland, Washington D.C, Illinois, Ohio, Indiana, Maui, Tennessee, Georgia, North Carolina,  and other states. I have learned how to play the guitar, i have been on various soccer, hockey and basketball teams, i have became a Christian, i have become a God-mother, i have had the privilege to be one of the student leaders of S.T.A.T.I.C, i have been blessed to hold higher morals than my sisters, i have been blessed to know how to make my own decisions. I have been blessed with so many things, and i haven't really thanked God for them. 

I am so excited to be 16.... i think. For the first time EVER, my birthday finally falls on Christmas Break, I'm sooo happy about that!  So for the first time on January 4th, i am going to sleep in! :)  To me, when you become 16, things become rougher, because around that age, my sisters got tempted with drugs, sex and alcohol. I know that God's plans in my life, keeps those things out of my thoughts. In a way, turning 16, is kinda scary too, that means 2 more years until i am considered, an "adult", 2 more years, until I'm headed off to college, 2 more years of having a curfew...... (yes!) hahahha, just kidding,  although i can't wait to be sixteen, i am thinking about the various new responsibilities i have, and how i am going to deal with them. I hope God grants me the wisdom to deal with things, when i don't know what to do.

So as these precious minutes go bye, i a thanking God, for  every second of it. Never letting a second go by un-thankful, for what i have. I'm so glad i found this verse in time for Thanksgiving, because it shows me how much i am truly thankful for everything!

                      

Veterans Day.

Today, is Veterans Day, not just 11-11-11.  This is one of my favorite holidays because the military is so strongly important in my family.  It all started with my pa-pa, i used to call him grandpa Jack, even  though his name was John. my papa was in the Navy, he sailed on the U.S.S Enterprise during WWII..  When i was around 8, my papa got diagnosed with lung cancer. It was one of the hardest things I've gone through, because i remember the last week he was with us. Everyone knew that the end was near so we spent as much time with him as we could. Within a few weeks of being diagnosed, the cancer traveled up his spine to his brain and it killed him.  The last time i ever saw him, he was painting a picture, while watching the baseball game that was one.  I still remember the smell of coffee and tobacco on his breath, and the various wrinkles that defined all of his life. He was a courageous person, kind and very smart. I know that he left us, but i can't help but think about hi much i miss him.  Than my dad, he was drafted into the was at 18 years old, and stayed in for quite some time. During his time in Germany during the Vietnam era, one of his closest friends was shot right in front of him. My dad, has had flashbacks of that memory as he still does today making talking about his time in the army very difficult. Many people don't know this- but my dad's legs don't really work so he is in a wheelchair. Part of this is due to the war, because of his nerves and the loud noises. Those are two important people in my life, who have given up so much! I currently have some family and friends who are serving and i include them in my prayers every night.  Today, was a great day, first i got to school and sold bracelets for the stars and stripes club and made over half our goal, we are going to continue selling them on Monday too, so I'm super pumped. After school around 3:20, i  decided i wanted to spend the day with my dad, so i baked him a cake, and made it sorta look like the American Flag. It turned out that my sis and nephew were there too! It was  a really good day, and right now i am fighting to keep my eyes open, i am definitely not going to make it to 11:11.  I just want to once again thank people like my dad and my papa, for serving, they are truly heroes. Even though my grandpa is no longer here, i know he is keeping  a close eye on me, from God's window.

Love this! (:

This is a new band i heard over the weekend! :D

This band, is AMAZING!  They are originally a Christian Rock band from Port Huron Michigan.  They really know how to pump up a crowd of teenagers! (:

This song made my day really good (:

Overtime; Teen Leadership Summit.

If i could say three things about yesterday; i would say- Amazing, Life Altering and WOW.  Yesterday four fellow members of STATIC (students taking action together in Christ) and i packed tightly in a car and left Chesterfield around 7 am, to make our journey to Port Huron.

While there, we attended three seminars of our choosing.  The three i chose were: Missing one mom/ missing one dad,  your story with a purpose and speak out for God in school.  The missing a mom one, was amazing.  It really showed me that I am NOT alone, and that we all face challenges that we can't deal with alone. This conference was the BEST one i have gone to in my life. It allowed me to open my heart up and talk to some very close people about my God story. I've never really thought about my, "God Story", but in one of my classes, Dirk Case gave us an outline. One to fill out on our own time so we would truly know our God Story.  I am in the process of writing mine, and i most definitely will post it on here when it is finished. My other Class i took was about God in School.  It was taught by Tim Keller, who is a teacher in Port Huron. This class was also fun because it taught me, my rights of a student, in a public school.

 From this Summit, i gained so much more faith, so much more understanding of God and the Bible.  The most important thing i learned yesterday was the 15, 10, 5, and 1 method. This method from Kent Fishel, states that i will spend a minimum of 15 minutes per day soaking up God's word, A minimum of 10 minutes a day praying, a minimum of 5 minutes a day, dissecting God's word, and learning what it means and how it implies in our life, and a minimum of 1 kind this to do for someone.

No matter where we are in life, God is always going to be there. No matter how hard life gets, God will always have a reason why, no mater what people say about you, none of it matters; because only HE is going to chose your eternal fate.

I want to expand on the most important lesson i learned yesterday; YOU'RE NEVER ALONE! (:   I am not alone, nor have i or will i ever be. I have so many amazing people in my life, that i wouldn't normally think about.  I have my grandma- who loves me and has replaced my mom, who has taught me the true meaning of faith ,I have twin cousins; Nicole and Cheri, who are always there for me, sometimes nicer than the other, but both out of love. I have a cousin from Maryland who i visit once or twice a year, who is one of my best friends; who loves nature as much as i do, I have another cousin from Arizona- who dwells in my the love of Christ, only at the age of 19, she holds the morals i want to have as an adult. I have my pastor- who is there to answer questions, and to pray for me when i need it most. I have the Robinson's- the three people who have made the biggest impact in my life, allowing me to do things that normal teenagers could not do, for always being there for a shoulder to cry on, to support me in every decision i make. I have friends who make me laugh, and make me feel better when I'm having a bad day. Another person i have, is one of the most extraordinary people i know, she will most likely be reading this since she reads most of my blogs, she is always there whether it is 6:30 am or 2:30 pm, i don't think she realizes the impact she's made in my life just by being there, and allowing her words to help inspire me keep my head up. So if you're reading this; Thank you, because i may not be able to speak my gratitude; but i can surely type it- as well as say it in Spanish: (Muchas Gracias Senora! ).

So tonight, i am not only going to bed happy, because i get an extra hour of sleep, but feeling blessed due to all of the amazing people i have in my life. I'm not only going to go in bed praying for myself and my family; i am going to bed praying for ALL the people that are there for me. Thank you to everyone, i love my life, and i wouldn't change it- because it is defining me as the faithful person i crave to be.

The time- is NOW.

I've had so many words running through my head the last couple days. I've been consumed with things with my family, static, my mom and mostly that Rutherford discovered the nucleus- for chemistry. I haven't had time to just really relax and analyze my thoughts. So I'm taking the next twenty minutes to just type.

Every week God has seemed to change me more and more. Last week at church- one of our lead pastors from South Campus was visiting; his messaged made me think long and hard about some things i have prayed for.

For example;
Every night for the last few months i have been praying for somethings that seem impossible. Among these are;
1. My mother to accept Christ. 2. My niece to make the right choices, 3. My grandma to be pain free 4. for my dad to be able to walk again 5. For me to try my hardest in everything i do and 6. For my mom to be free of depression.

I've heard it a thousand times; "That's impossible!"  BUT IT'S NOT! (:   In the book of Joshua, he asked God to stop the sun, and God did!  God is willing to do the impossible..... but there is a catch.

I've never thought about that-  a catch to God doing the impossible for you, but i understand now. You can't just pray for something and expect it to change magically.  An example my pastor used last Sunday was an addict.  He stated that whether or not we pray for the impossible doesn't mean it's going to come through.  YOU have to want it, and be willing to change for it too!  He used the example of an addict by saying that if a drug attic prays for God to cure him from his addiction and the same day he goes and buys a bag of drugs..... didn't you just waste your time?

You have to be willing to change if you want change in your life. I thought of that, and thought of my list of prayers; one caught my eye. It was that i wanted my mom to accept Christ.  I know i can't control what she does no matter how much i pray.... but whats stopping me from encouraging it out loud and helping her?

I'm not talking about actually physically meeting up with my mom- I'm talking about other things; that wouldn't involve us being together; at least not yet.  My mind is scattered with ideas. I think my number one choice as of right now would be a care package.  When i was at girl scout camp about 6 years ago, i know that i was really lonely without my parents around and they sent me a care package to make me feel better- and it did.  So in the next few weeks i am going to be gathering items to put into the box.  Some ideas i have are; of course a Bible (NIV of course!), a journal, pictures of my and her, my nieces and nephews and some family, a few books that helped me find God and a letter.

 I'm truly worried about the different outcomes of this.  I'm scared that i am wasting my time, but i am praying every night that as the time goes on,this plan will evolve more and help me help her.  The letter isn't going to be some emotional letter; it's going to be short and sweet and down to the point.

My number one goal right now; is just simply this:  Do everything humanly possible to shown my mom God's love.

I know that if i help out, and try to introduce her to him, God will handle the rest.
I'm hoping that this will work.  I can't wait to see my moms life changing by Christ. It's going to be amazing.

For now, I'm just going to pray until i know it's the right time.

Today, I'm going to Port Huron for a Youth Conference for Christ following teens.  We got to pick three seminars we wanted to attend and my first choice was one that said:  Missing one mom or dad. Can't wait to see what this class is all about- i hope it teaches me how to deal with the pain of my mom leaving better, because i need that... a lot...