It astonishes me how the stupidness of others can be so great. How peoples actions can be so carelessly planned that they can hurt so many others.
I find it quit humorous actually because looking at the predicament i am in right now, according to many people... my decisions may look foolish, stupid, and non justifiable. If people were to think that, which i know some have i would simply state that they are seeing things from the outside. They don't know what goes on behind the closed doors- they can't see inside out.
I'm human, i make many great mistakes.... but these past few decisions have not been mistakes. There's a time that you know something needs to change, and for me that time was a while ago.
Something i always have struggled with- is self confidence. I always will, and it helps admitting to it. All of my life, I've let numerous people walk all over me. My mom, is one of the greatest. My lack of self confidence stems from fear.... and like I've mentioned before i fear many, many things. These past few weeks, i have never felt so.... free, and courageous..... ever. I finally decided that enough was enough and i wasn't gonna let people walk over me anymore. So, i sucked it up and put my big girl pants on and changed a lot of things.... and i do have to say.... because of my actions things have changed, and it's been a good sort of change.
Looking at the scenario in a broad spectrum, i understand people being worried at first, but i also know myself at a different level than many know me. To hold a deep conversation with anyone, is nearly impossible for me, unless i have true trust in that person. I don't trust many people at all, so the easiest way that i can express myself.... is this blog. I started this blog the summer my mom walked out on us, just as a way to get my feelings out because i became so depressed but wouldn't open up about it. That's why i truly love it. It's been almost 3 years since then, and i've found myself healing more with my posts from this bog than any amount of grief or depression counseling.
Many know that although yes, Kari Jobe is and always will be my favorite singer (p.s. SHE'S COMING TO MICHIGAN IN 2 MONTHS AND IAN AND I HAVE VIP TICKETS!!!!!) I also have found a great liking to Britt Nicoles music. I've shared some songs of hers on here.... Like Gold and Ready or not, but there's so many good songs of hers. There's one called Breakthrough that has actually been true motivation for me the past few weeks. The link is below for it:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JdKzOy6C5MY
"A breakthrough is coming
I can see that a breakthrough is coming, coming for me
Cause my heart, it was made to fly
Destiny can't be denied
I'm tired of waiting
I am overdue for a breakthrough"
And that's what it has felt like the past couple of months. That this was long overdue.
Back to what i was talking about- stupidity of people.
Thinking of the stupidest people i know.... i think about the drive-through at burger king- where i work. If you're ever wanting to make someone super annoyed go to your local drive thru... not only take forever to order... but make sure you change your mind about a million times. That should definitely ruin someones mood... it sure does mine!
Also while thinking about stupid people, i truly think of my sisters, nieces and nephews. I just turned 18, and i have more nieces and nephews than i can count on my fingers and 3 great nieces and nephews. Now that, is just stupid. My oldest nephew is cody, 19 years old and a complete train wreck. He has an almost 2 year old, Emry. His mother is 16 years old. Yes, she was 14 when she gave birth to him. She was just a baby herself. Then Lex, 18 years old with a baby girl actually only a few weeks old! Then Shiann, just barely 15 years old with a 3 month old. I suppose it shouldn't bother me, i should just be used to it now... right? But the problem is, it does bother me. A whole lot actually. It bothers me because it's not just them, it's so many other teens. Too many people take advantage of having a family. They think at 14 years old that they are in love and that they can actually handle the responsibility of another human being..... I'm 18 years old and know that even though i have a good head on my shoulders... a child is the least of my needs. It also bothers me because i know many people who are not capable of having children. Some that would be really, really great parents. It makes me really sad just imagining their feelings when it comes down to it, because everywhere they go teens are popping out babies and they can't even have one. That's why a lot of my beliefs of the standard teen, is polar opposite. My dad dwelled in me the morals i have today, and even though he never was hateful to my sisters or anyone about having children so young, i knew that he had better plans for me. I plan to live those out.
Many look oddly at my beliefs in purity. They don't understand the whole "courting" thing, and they think it's silly. Well, if you really look into it.... isn't courting the type of relationship everyone should pursue? To court with someone, means to be in a relationship with someone that doesn't center the "entire" relationship on sex or things of that nature. It's a relationship that is intended to be something serious that many believe will turn into marriage. Not saying that i am looking for marriage, but it's meaning i'm not intending on wasting my time or letting it be one of those silly high school relationships where the two in it don't know each other for a substantial amount of time. Looking at society, and seeing all these people with children, makes me proud of my decisions. If you look back in the past, courting was something very popular. It was the respectful thing to do.... and if you look into the future and compare the amount of teen moms there are now compared to then... you'd be astonished.
I'm just sitting here thinking about my mom. About how it's been over a year since we've talked, but that almost changed the other day. I almost called her because i got wind of something and wanted to make sure she was okay. I decided against it. Many of my closest friends, don't know my mom. Only Sarah has been around her for a short amount of time. Other than that, i've hid it from Bree and Yvonne. They know about her, plenty... and they've met her for a short few seconds at my dads funeral... but they don't really know her. And sometimes it's confusing because i see something that reminds me of her and i think "how stupid" but it's too hard to explain to people.
Something else i haven't shared, is news i found about my mom. I found out around Christmas time but knew that the Holidays were already hard enough that i didn't need something else to bother me so i left it alone and i have been pushing it further and further down.... until now. My mom, has a new family. A boyfriend, their cats.... and his daughter. Isn't that nice? They live in the same home. Maybe i don't have a reason to be sad or hurt about this, but i am. It's just NOT fair. It's just another reason to me as why her not in my life although it may be painful, it's the best thing for me.
When i was i believe in 6th grade.... my mom went back into Harbor Oaks. It's a place she's been plenty of times, and it was just another one of her trips in. While she was there, she met 3 people. Three females there for various reasons. I don't remember why, and for some reason i can only recall 2 of their names; Megan and Amada. Yes Amada, not Amanda! My mom was out of there after about 3 weeks this time and also with her, were the three girls she had met.... discharged as well, with no place to go. Soooo, yes... they landed in our packed as it was home. 3 bedrooms, 8 people. I just look back at this memory of my life, and get annoyed. Not mad, just wondering how my mother could really be THAT stupid. If bringing 3 mentally ill females into my home with her isn't toxic, i don't know what is.The whole situation was bad, and against my wanting i was taken away from my home by a family member who recognized it was not an okay situation for a girl my age. I didn't go home for a while until one of the girls left and another got into a fist fight with my mom and the police were called. Following her, the 3rd girl left.
Being a mom, at least in my opinion.... means keeping your children out of danger like that.... right? Why the hell would my mom bring home those girls? It seriously blows my mind. How stupid can one person truly be. She didn't know them well at all and had no idea of what could've happened.
One quote i love is one by Einstein; "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe"
On a more positive note, the past few weeks although have been crazy,but there has been a LOT of fun and a lot of really good memories that were made. Between late night drives to no where, celebrating Ian's 20th birthday, or random Orange Leaf runs.... it's just one more blog that i can't describe how thankful i am for those who make my days good. I don't know if i could handle life without those people<3
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