It started off on a school bus. I was riding the bus home, and was sitting next to Nicole, who's one of my friends. We were at a red light in front of the Mary and Burke Park, which is my dads fishing spot. I looked out the window and saw my dad in his wheelchair wearing his burgundy fishing hat that was cremated with him along with my two dogs that he treasured; Jazz and Honey. Sadly, Jazz was put to sleep just shortly before my father passed, and Honey just shortly after. In the dream we were still at the red light, and i somehow got to the front of the bus begging her to let me off the bus. I remember just pushing the doors open and running towards him as fast as I've ever ran before.Honey and Jazz saw me and started running towards me, but ignored them and kept running to my dad. I started crying and asking where he'd been and just kept rambling while crying. We sat there for a long time, just talking and i don't even remember most of it. I remember telling him that i missed him and that i wanted him back. He didn't have much to say, but he looked tired. In the dream, i noticed that the park was deserted. Nobody was anywhere in sight. One thing i remember very well though, is that after talking for a little, my dad stood up out of his wheelchair, and walked to where i was sitting to give me a hug. He walked, normally And when he gave me the hug, the same roughness i felt from his facial hairs rubbed against my skin making it tickle a little like it has all my life. He smelt of Old spice cologne and tobacco, like he usually did. We played catch with the dogs in the water, and went fishing. I started talking about my mom, and that's the last thing i remember.
I hate waking up from dreams. It was around 4 am when i woke up and i was really, really hot and i must have been crying in my sleep which i don't think I've ever done before. I tried immediately to go back to sleep, but it didn't work and i got frustrated.
What the heck does this mean? Why am i having a dream like this? One that's so real. His voice, is the one thing that gets me. HIS VOICE, was real in the dream, and i keep replaying it in my head. It's scary to me.
I keep telling myself, that it's okay it was just a way for him to reach me. But it scares me still. To have a dream as descriptive as that. Why was his hat there? The exact same hat that he was cremated with. It's scary.
In a way, i wish it was all still true. I wish that somehow, this really did happen. That i could have one more day with him. I feel like it would help me SO much. But i know that's not possible, and that feeling sucks.
Yesterday, i got a call from my grandpa. We were discussing his eye surgeries that have been going on, and how he has been recuperating. He has a form of cancer in the cornea of his eye as well as his eyelid. About two months ago, he had the first initial surgery, and from then he's had evaluations every two weeks, and a surgery the third. As of yesterday, he's doing pretty good. They have gotten almost all of the reconstruction done of his eye lid, but now need to go work on the cornea. He had to push the date for me to come down a few days later because he won't be able to drive. He continued talking about my grandma, and how everyday he's getting more and more upset because of my grandmas Alzheimer's and eye problems herself. A few years ago, she had surgeries in her eyes that took a lot of her vision away, and she has terrible times with her eyes. My grandparents live on a lake, so boating used to be a normal thing, they used to take one of their boats out and of course a glass of wine and just go around the lake to watch the sun set. She can't go on the boat anymore, because he doctor said if she gets water in her eyes, she's in big trouble. This also forces her for the past year or so to wear these big bulky goggles when shes taking a shower. I don't understand exactly whats wrong with her eyes, but i feel horrible for her.
Then, my grandpa brought up my mom. I honestly wish he didn't. Because now, I'm upset and i shouldn't be.
He started off talking about the email that he sent a few weeks ago about my mom being in trouble and something to do with the court system down by them. When he told me what he meant by that, i got really mad and went outside and started pacing on our back patio trying to stay as calm as possible.
I guess my mom met this guy named Charley, who was around 44. He was pretty much homeless, and did not have a job. She met him somewhere ( my grandpa didn't say where) and she decided that he was going to be her new boyfriend, and let him move in. Like let me repeat this; a homeless man she knows nothing about, after two days she lets move in into her apartment... Like REALLY?
So they were doing well, and then my grandparents get a letter in the mail saying that the court of Branch County has decided that they would not be my mothers payee anymore, because they felt Charley, would. A man she had know for about two weeks now, would distribute her money instead of her parents.... Sounding more and more wonderful right?
My grandparents were confused but went along with it because they didn't understand what was really going on anymore, so they gave Charley the money my mother asked for from her account, because she needed to get groceries.
I guess I'm not making sense if you don't know my actual mom. She's disabled and the income she makes, she cannot control it on her own, so she gets a payee who dishes her the money when she can prove she needs it. Its prevents her from blowing her money on alcohol, and useless things.
So now, Charley who is her payee decided to go out to the store and spend $150 of my moms money on alcohol (just what she needed right).
On Monday of this week, she got upset with Charley, not sure exactly over what, but she demanded for him to leave her apartment and he wouldn't. So she called my grandparents because he was scaring her. (Uhhhm yeah. You don't know him, or anything about him dummy). My grandpa answered and then heard Charley yelling in the background who forced my mother to hang up. So my grandpa kept calling back and he said there was a little click in the line and he was disconnected. He got worried, and called her landlord, who called the cops.
Charley was removed from my mothers home, and she now has a PPO (Personal Protection Order) against him.
Nice guy, right?
Part of me finds this situation very funny, because it makes me realize that my choice in guys, is SO much better than hers.
I understand if she wanted to help the guy, BUT DON'T MOVE HIM INTO YOUR HOME!!!
I don't get it.
She's literally the most absent minded person i know. I understand she is mentally messed up, but even the dumbest person alive would have the common sense to not do what she did.
It's been so long since I've talked to her. A little over 6 months, and as the time goes by, sometimes i don't really even miss her. Because truthfully, she never gave me anything to miss. This was her life, making stupid decisions, getting in trouble, and hurting every person around her.
I wonder if she thinks of me though, sometimes I'll lay in bed wondering what she's doing at that exact moment, wondering if she ever wonders how I'm doing in school, or what i want to do with my life. Anything really, but i know better than to call and get myself involved with her again.
I used to get the urge to hear her voice, so i would call her phone but block my number just to listen to her voice. To know that she was still here. One time, a guy answered, it was a few months ago, but i haven't called back.
I don't know what's up with her, but i know that I'm glad i don't have to deal with things like this.
Summers been okay so far, sleepovers, hours at Partridge Creek, movies, fishing and some crazy pool parties at my neighbors.
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