It's funny, i started writing on a whole different topic this morning. About being unstoppable. About defying all odds. And now, every thing's changed. Maybe one day I'll write about being unstoppable, but not when my heart isn't right there with the feeling.
Sometimes i just really don't like my grandpa. I don't like saying that, but how else can i put it? This man has done so much good in my life, but yet i will never be good enough for him. He makes sure to let me know that too. I'm not Haleigh, nor Graham, and no where near them..... so I'm literally no-one.
Haleigh and Graham are my cousins. Haleigh graduated her high school just shy of being the valedictorian in her high school in Wisconsin. She started college at Arizona State for her freshman year, and then transferred to BYU which was a Mormon college in Utah for her sophomore year, and is now taking a break from school to go on a mission trip to Guatemala for 18 months. She has done everything almost perfect in her life, and my grandpas always so proud of her when she's brought up in almost every conversation.
Then there's Graham, we're the same age, but he skipped a grade, so he graduated this year. He's going to Arizona State with a yearly $10,000 scholarship for having one of the highest scores for the ACT math section in ASU. He's going into some kind of chemical engineering which is just like my grandpas career so of course he's all over that. And he never lets a conversation go by about Graham with anyone that he doesn't fail to mention how my uncle mark never seen Graham bring home a school book.
Ever since i was little, I've never felt good enough for him at all. And to this day, i feel the same exact way.
With every decision of mine, he makes sure that i know he thinks it's stupid. I can understand if someones worried about your well being when your older, but he's literally mean about it. I've let so much slip by because i know that he's sick, the cancers back. It keeps getting worse. A few months ago, it came back and he's had surgery after surgery. He's done with surgeries as of last week, but when he went to get a check up, his doctor told him that he has more cancer, and he has to go to a dermatologist soon because his doctor thinks it's in various spots. I get that it's scary, i don't fully understand because I'm not him, but i know that he must be worried about it. And i get that he's an alcoholic, so some things are also different for him in that perspective.
I'm not good enough for him. And it makes me angry. He doesn't like Spring Arbor, but he has no real reason. It's not Penn State, or Carnegie Mellon, which is where he went. So it's not good enough for him. He doesn't like anything i do, or anything I'm involved in. The other day at the dinner table, we were all making small talk when he asked me if i liked some political guy. I didn't recognize the name and i said who is that? And he got mad because it was the president of Egypt, and then took it out on me and called me names. Like a 4 year old. I just sat there and then excused myself to go outside and go fishing. I didn't come inside until 10 that night, when everyone was asleep.
I don't like it here much anymore, and although the 24/7 fishing is awesome, i don't know if i want to even make it an effort anymore.
It's not fair the way he's treating me, but it's also not fair that he won't listen to me explain that either. He's a bitter old man.
When i was little, he used to send out these family newsletters every month explaining the happenings in Jackson, and then he would talk about random stuff. They come less frequent now, about two per year. and ever since i was little, I've always felt like crap because he always had long paragraphs about Haleigh or Graham in there with all their success.
I feel like he doesn't care as much about me because I'm the product of a product he's not proud of. He's not proud of my mom, and i think he blames himself for her being the way she is. He's always had the smallest slice of resentment towards her, and it feels like now I'm getting that same resentment.
I know he cares, and I'm not trying to make him sound like this horrible man, because he's not. I just don't know what to do with these feelings so I'm just writing. Maybe this will help me handle him.
I don't know where I'm going with this blog, I'm just tired of feeling the way I'm feeling because of him.
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