Won't back down.

It's currently 1:30 am, technically Saturday morning. My heart is heavy, my eyes are damp and my minds spinning a thousand miles per hour.

It's been an emotional couple of hours. And honestly, it came out of no where.

Today, at work i ran into some problems. One of which was getting burnt. We were having a rush, and they needed my help on fryers and i ran back there without thinking of putting on gloves. I didn't directly touch food, i took paper bags of fries and onion rings, put them into baskets and then grabbed them by the greasy handle and put them in oil that was at least 360 degrees. Because i wasn't wearing gloves, one basket was really slippery and some how twisted in my hand and ended up on my arm. Leaving a 3 inch burn. At first i was like oh it's no big deal, but then after my employees said to take of the pickles they made sure i put on right away, i saw how gross it actually was. That's when the initial shock hit me and i flipped out. It wasn't until then i realized that it hurt- very badly. I got off my shift walking with pickles and then burn cream that didn't seem to take away the pain. After many attempted phone calls to my cousins, i gave up and tried a family friend. Who ended up helping me and then hearing from the twins, i decided to stop by meijers before i went home to purchase an aloe plant. Which did amazinggggg things when i got home!  Needless to say, my arm feels better, but the nasty blisters and scars it's leaving is actually really gross!

My emotional night first started when the burn came. To be honest, when it first happened the only thing going through my head was how i needed to call my dad and tell him. He would've first of all been very worried about me, but would've had a kick out of observing it. Then my smile went away, it hit me i couldn't.  I haven't shared this with anyone since it happened, because it scared me too much. This, has never happened.  It just made me feel really sad. Knowing that many of these memories would not be shared with him.

In meijers, when i went to get my aloe plant, i had my headphones in like normal, because i think it's one of the most awkward things running into people you know while shopping, especially when you're in your burger king uniform! So i always put my headphones in!  I was first of all in the plant and flower section trying to find an aloe plant and i noticed the flower smell. I haven't really mentioned it to anyone besides two people, but the smell of fresh flowers doesn't make me feel well, at all. It brings me back to my dads funeral. All of the fresh beautiful flowers sprawled around the room from various people. It makes me think of the funeral arrangements. And how i was happy to pick out the flowers for his "flower bed"  i picked red white and blue because red and blue was his favorite color, and he was very proud to have served in the United States Army. I knew he would've liked it very much. Also while in there,I had Pandora on, and had the Carrie Underwood Station on, which was a mistake. The song; How Great thou Art came on as the duet of her and Vince Gill.  This was one of the songs at my fathers funeral. Both occurrences, just made me get distracted.

When i got home, i quickly applied the aloe which made me feel much better, than my aunt kept suggesting i watched the movie she got in from Netflix called Won't Back Down, so i went upstairs and watched it. That also, was a bad mistake. Although i have to say, it's hands down one of my favorite movies, it was really emotional. And not the movie in general, just the story too it and all the comparisons of my own life going along with the movie.

As I'm writing this, i don't understand why I'm getting so emotional. I keep leaning my head back on the chair I'm sitting on and just close my eyes and focus on the music in my ears. But i need to write, because on nights like tonight the best thing for me to do is write. I just don't know how to craft the way I'm feeling because people don't get it. They can try, but they wont truly understand it.

I do though, recommend the movie. Especially to teachers. The movie was about a mother who had a daughter with Dyslexia, and she was already working two jobs to support them. She got kicked out of her previous public school because they couldn't pay tuition forcing her to go to some dead beat school, with a teacher who didn't care about teaching as much as the paycheck. So one teacher and the mother start a movement of tons of people trying to make a change, and to overturn the school. But they need to get a certain amount of teachers and parents involved and agreeing. They do, and they get there school, a place where there is "No waiting" to fix anything.

It was a really touching movie and made me reflect on my life on all the times I've been told to wait.  And how many times I've been told to ignore stuff. Especially this year.

I've been really quiet about what goes on because of school, because i never thought that it would matter if i spoke up or not. And then when i did open up, from almost everyone i opened up to, i was told to 'ignore it' 'just wait and it'll be fine'. Those words are pure lies.

The past 365 days, I've been bullied more than i have my entire life. From people i was once sorta friends with, that used things against me i couldn't control. That used my dad being dead against me, and my mom leaving against me also. Like every teenager, i fought back because i didn't know any better. Never going to the level they took it, but because as rude as i could. It just became bigger and bigger and it seemed as it would never go away. But it didn't come out of my mouth once to my family, or anyone i trusted other than my friends. Because they were involved in it too. They were told by the same people to go kill themselves. Which later i found really funny when that same person showed up to an anti-suicide walk, starting more drama. The school year was horrible first semester.It never ended, and we started getting nasty text messages saying that my best friend Sarah and i were "pieces of scum on this earth that no one should care about"  Then the truth came out. We (Sarah) and i had been called down to the deputy's office at our school being accused of being "bully's" to this group of 3 students. We literally laughed in his face. We told him everything from the beginning to the end, and he told us to go back to class. He said he'd take care of it. But that wasn't true. It started back up again, and every time we tried to get someone other than a teacher involved, they shot us down saying  "ignore it"  "just wait it through"  I, along with Sarah have come to literally hate those words.  It took 6 months, SIX MONTHS. For my school to finally do something. After talk and talk and talk with various people. All in all, we have talked to 9 people in our school about what was going on. That is too many, and far too long.

The first time we reported what happened, it should've been handled differently.

The movie made me relate because they were fighting for something they needed in their school, and they were fighting to make a difference. Sure, they got turned down and ran into some obstacles, but they never gave up. They didn't just wait around anymore, they took action. Even when they had their own doubts about how well this would work out.

Bullying took me to the edge. I couldn't handle it anymore. And there was so much stuff going on at home and work that i couldn't see anything straight.

But I'm not the only one. I know that. What if some one's getting bullied and it takes them over the edge?  It DOES happen. Jacob Schroeder for example. A thirteen year old who took his own life because of bullying. Who literally lived down the street from me. The freshman across my street, who 2 years ago tried hanging himself only to find his little sister found him when she walked in from FIRST GRADE.  Those are two, just two. And those two even make me feel sick to my stomach.

People don't get it. Especially older people. Who grew up with the saying; "sticks and stones may break your bones but words will never hurt you". That's not true. Because words hurt. According to Jacob, words hurt as much as a bullet going through his head. And Braden, well his words hurt as much as a rope strangling him around his neck. That's the reality of it people. Words HURT.

People say bullying is a phase, but that's not true. What about abusive husbands? That's a bully also. Just like my cousins husband. He's a bully. Frankly, i don't ever care if he sees this. What he does to my cousin sickens me, but knowing she is incapable of sticking up for herself sickens me even more.

Bullying is something that needs to be changed.

Suicide is the third leading cause of death. I truly wonder how many of those are caused from bullying.

I am aware of two actual suicides. My aunts, and Jacobs. Both, from bullying. My aunt Susans was from her husband and Jacob from his classmates.

As I'm typing this, I'm listening to the song "Fix You" by coldplay. The song is a perfect song put on repeat for this blog.

If I've learned anything in 17 years here, change is hard. And there will be points where you don't want to try anymore because there will be too many set backs.

Bullying is something that goes unseen, and i want to do everything possible to make it visible.

"Be the change you wish to see in the world."  Gandhi