I think, I've been defeated.

Tired.  Exhausted.  Worried.  Confused.  Scared, but still manage to keep a smile plastered to my face.  I'm only 16, hearing things such as, you're dad would be dead if he didn't have the pacemaker or you're dad isn't gonna make it much longer, or even, look, see her-  keep being the way you are and you can kiss walking her down the aisle goodbye.  Those things make my stomach twist into a ball.  And I've had to hear them several times the past 3 weeks.

I've been dealing with my dad's heart problems since i was really young.  By the age of 2, my dad had already had a quad-bi-past and 9 heart attacks.  He's only 57 years old, this shouldn't be happening... why is this happening?

That's a question i can't seem to answer these days.  Yeah the doctors have told me answers, but if that's the case, than why isn't anything working?  Last night, my sister called and told us that my dad's defibrillator/pacemaker had gone off once again. She said that he refused to go to the hospital.  And when i got home from school today, i got the news, that it had gone off two more times.

I'm so tired of the answer; we're gonna give him some new medicines and check how his heart rate is, and than he can go home. NO!  Don't do that, it obviously is NOT working.  My dad takes 42 pills PER DAY  to stay alive, if he forgets to take them for a short period of time, he gets sick. I know i have no right to be mad at the doctors, but I'm just so confused.  I keep telling everyone that I'm not worried, because i don't want to talk about it.  But truth be told; i don't know whats gonna happen if something happens to him.  I'm TERRIFIED that him being stubborn will end up with me being forced to live with my mom if he is to pass.

I'm desperate on the inside to get answers that will make sense, on why this keeps happening.  I'm falling apart realizing that my dads life could be soon over.  And since I'm only 16, i can't do anything but sit back and watch.

I feel as if I've been swimming in the ocean the last 3 weeks, and this pressure is building up and up, while ocean just swallows me whole.  I feel defeated.  I feel like i need to just leave for a while and come back when things settle down.

I've had to handle so much growing up, and I've done okay with that. Yeah i may have stumbled a few times, but I've always managed to get back up again.  But this time, there is so much pressure on me, everything i do, doesn't help.  I used to rely on a few things to release me of stress or things that were happening.  I would put in my headphones and blast music in them and let the tunes carry away my fears. But i can't stand music right now, it just makes me get all teary eyed thinking about  stuff.  I used to rely on poetry, but i haven't written a poem in months.  I used to rely on playing the guitar, but every time i pick it up, i can't manage to play the right song, so i just give up.

I just feel overwhelmed.  Right now nothing is helping.  I just want everything to calm down, just for a little while.  Until i can find something that makes me feel like i want to wake up in the morning.

I'm hanging on by a string, I'm willing to let go yet, but i feel so close to being defeated, i have no clue how much longer i can hang on.

I hope and pray that my dad will just stop being bull-headed.  For real, him not going in, is making my life so much more stressful than it needs to be!

If I've gained something good this week, it's that i shouldn't worry about the future, i need to live life to the fullest, and never regret anything.  The picture i posted, is one of my favorites with my dad.  This is one of the only family pictures we have left.