Not knowing what to think.

Yesterday, my dad got the custody papers. I was really excited at first, knowing that this is what i have wanted for a really long time- at least that's what i thought. It's been over a month since the last time I've talked to her.  It's weird knowing that too. A month isn't too long, it's four weeks. four weeks that I've gone without a mother, four weeks that I've questioned, why to everything that has happened and what my future will be. The last for weeks have been crazy, I've tried to halt my thoughts of her, I've tried to let her go..... but something just won't let me. I hate how i am thinking about her constantly and worrying about her, missing her in weird ways and sometimes wanting her back, and she could care less. She called my grandpa the other day and they talked for a while, she told him about her going up to Mackinaw Island for a few days, and how much fun she was having. Never, during the whole conversation did she mention my name or how i was. She never put in the effort to know that her daughter the one that- SHE left, the one that  SHE hurt, was still affected by this summer. I don't know how to hide it anymore. There hasn't been a second that i haven't stopped thinking of it, haven't stopped praying that God really is doing this for a reason, that everything will really turn out okay.  How do people expect me to talk about my mom? I hate when my family brings her up, it just makes me want to crawl in a hole and hibernate. I can't always restrain the tears from flowing out, i can't always stop the harsh angry words come out when i think about her, i can't stop that, and it sucks. I hate crying, it just makes me feel like I've lost something, When i was little, she wouldn't like it if we cried, any of my sisters or I. Just thinking about that makes me upset, i was afraid to cry when something was sad. I had to hid my tears when my cat got ran over, or my grandpa died. I couldn't show emotion in our home, because she would get annoyed and slap us.  All i want right now, is to just go lay in bed and cry, just hid upstairs in my room and let every stupid thing that i had t hold in when i was younger out, because i know if i don't eventually when i get mad enough, I'm going to start crying and it's going to be hard to stop. So, i don't know what to think, i have too many things running through my head right now, my mom, my grandma, my nieces and nephews, school, home stuff, my friends and so many other things. My head feels crowded, like I'm claustrophobic on the inside. I just wish i could get everything out, the good, the bad, even the pain. I know that if i just let everything go, i will be able to hear the one voice i have been longing for this week- God. I haven't had much time this week to pray to him, to really think, "what would Jesus do" I haven't had much time for my bible, or anything. I'm hoping that writing this i know that i still need to put Him first, no matter what the circumstances are. So tonight I'm praying for my mind to be cleared of all this stress, to be able to put Him first, without hesitation.