I feel like a young child who got lost in a store, not knowing where to go or what to do. I feel claustrophobic, like the walls are caving in. I feel like a ghost, some people see me, others don't. Today, i saw my mom for the first time in months, and it was just awkward. I had called the lady she is living with, saying that she needed to come and get the rest of my moms things, or i was going to put them in the shed or somewhere out of sight. She came over and got them- with my mom.
When my mom got out of the car, she didn't even say hi. I wanted to scream in her face, i mean COME ON! My mom is 46 years old, she should know that saying HI to your DAUGHTER is only polite. Of course she didn't. When my dad told her that i had wrapped her angles in newspaper, she did say thank you, but does thank you really mean the same thing as, "hi, how are you doing?" No. I'm going to be 16 in less than three months, sometimes at times like today i feel like I'm triple my age. Like i have to take responsibility over so many other people. It's hard going through the day solving everyone Else's problems not knowing how to solve your own and not knowing who to ask.
A question i have, that has been consuming my thoughts lately is about going out to lunch with her, or writing her a letter. I am so confused on what she wants anymore. She stopped talking to me, and then she asked my grandma how i was wanting to get together, ignored me multiple times and still not keeping in contact with me. Why do i always have to make the decisions? Why can't i just open a book with the answer on it? I'm tired of only guessing at what i should do.
Today on facebook, a girl from church posted a quote; the quote read, A daughter is one of the most beautiful gifts the world has to give. The lady responded with- so thankful for my blessing~ my miracle from God. Why can't i be that important to my mom? Honestly- what have i done so wrong to deserve the the loss of a mother? Or the pain caused by one who doesn't even care? I'm so sick of fake people and wanna Be's. Why can't people just be honest? Why can't people tell other people how it really is? Why do people ask how you are- when they most likely DON'T EVEN CARE. Thinking about that makes me wonder how many times i have told people something because they asked and them not even caring about it.
When i was at church today, a girl from out children's ministry room came up to talked to me when i was getting ready to work in the nursery. I asked her how she was doing and she said, "Who cares?" I was taken back by the response wondering what was wrong with her today? She started talking about how people always ask that question- but no one ever truly cares. I knew what she meant and i looked her straight in the eye and said, Bekka- i promise you that i will always care, whether your happy or sad or just want to vent. I will always care because i am one of your leaders in the children's ministry, God put me here for you and if you ever need anything i want you to ask me. No matter what the situation is i will always be here.
She said thanks and told me what was bothering her, but for the rest of the day- that has been on my mind. How many people genuinely care about everyone? I know 2 people in my whole life who do. That's hard to believe. I can even admit- i am not one of those. But when i ask people how they are doing, i don't just ask to be polite i ask so i know that if anything is wrong in there life i can pray about it, with them or on my own. That's what my thoughts come down to tonight- not understanding various things. One as being in my mother and two- why people say how are you when they don't even care.
I'm praying that God grants me the knowledge to let people know that when i ask people how they are that they know i really do care about them.
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