Home is where the heart is..... where's that?

I can't stand the last few days. All they are is crap and they remind me how annoying life is sometimes. I hate not knowing where my home is, its stupid. I wish i could move out into an apartment, but of course i can't.... because I'm only 15.    Why is it that when someone asks me for my address i don't know what to put down?   Should i put where i'm living, where i'm supposed to living or where i want to live? I don't know and it annoys the heck out of me. Tired, confused and lost are the only feelings i have, a fake smile has been plastered on my face while the pain increases inside. I'm lost, and i have to map- don't know what to do, don't know what to say, i'm in a room- simply white..... noise is loud but all of a sudden..................... it all goes silent. The whole world just shuts up for once.  And that's when i find comfort, when the world is quiet, and no one nags on me. But, there's NO such thing.  My thoughts aren't the same the last 48 hours, somethings snapped deep inside. I don't know what it is or where it's coming from but it's scaring me. I don't feel the same, i feel angry, annoyed and hate with this world. I feel lost in my faith, not knowing what to pray for, so just not praying. I feel like everyone is on vacation but there voices still flood my head with negative words, saying I'll be just like them, I'll never go anywhere. I'm so tired of people who complain about my performance when there's isn't even any good. Everyone fails something, once in there life. I'm sorry if i failed a test, it was my first and my last. I feel crummy when i saw it and you only made it worse. You don't know the pressure i am under.  You always say i understand.... BUT YOU DON'T!   You have not been through the crap that has happened, you don't understand what is going on inside of me. You don't understand the pain i go through daily to keep a smile on my face. NO-ONE gets it.   What's the sense of anything anymore?   Who knows what we are meant for?  I always thought life was a blessing, that sometimes we went through a lot of crap but it would get better. As this moment right now, i don't think that. Life sucks, and it's taken me almost 16 years to know that. As i go to bed tonight, i can't pray.  The first time I haven't prayed before going to sleep in years.  Prayer isn't working for my life i truly don't know if it ever has. I'm just scared, but i dont want people to know. I'm in pain, but i don't want people to feel it to so i don't talk about it. I'm in rejection to my life, my family and my religion.... but if i let anyone know that i would be looked at differently. Why do people say that home is where the heart is?  If my home was were the heart was,  I wouldn't be here right now. I would be in Tennessee, living at an old home with a wrap around porch and white picket fence. Laying out in my barn with all of my horses, chickens and goats.  I would be walking the rolling hills that are right out my backdoor. In the country, where you can actually see the stars, without ANYONE. Just me and my animals. I'm not there. I'm someplace  100% opposite of that.  I'm gone, I'm lost, and i'm not coming back. I'm done with lying to myself about my life- that everything is going to get better. It's NOT. So i might as well start getting used to it anyways.  So i'm never going to listen or repeat the saying, "Home is where your heart is"  because that is not true.  My home, is right here...... oh wait?? Where's that. Oh yeah, forgot again. I don't even have one.