NO! It's NOT my fault.

Being told that you're to blame for your mother trying to kill herself is wrong. It's not my fault and i know that deep down.  But there is still a sting that runs through my mind, scrambling all of my thoughts inside my head. I have been under a lot of pressure this week and it feels like i have 20 lb shoulder weights on. When i first found out that my mom was back at Harbor Oaks- i was distraught, but i was curious to find out if she was okay and what happened to her. But when i heard the news that she tried to kill herself- AGAIN, i wasn't happy. Plus the fact that me not talking to her for months being the blame for those thoughts made me even worse. I'm sorry mom, i didn't choose to leave. YOU DID! You messed up and you can't blame others for YOUR actions. Someone told me today that if you would have been doing what you were supposed to all along that none of this would have happened and she was so right! I know that my mom can't control her actions all the time, but clearly she could have called me if she wanted to talk. It's not like she didn't know my number, or my address she could have found a way.

I'm a Christian, and i know that i have to respect and love my parents no matter what, but times like this that's really hard to do. I have forgiven her and always will, but i hope she knows that no matter how hard she tries i will never forget what she has done. When things get rough i don't trust people enough. I can count the people i truly trust on one hand. one of them live out of state, one is of course God,  one is a family member, and the other two are mentors. Those 5 people are the only one's that i know can give me advice to make my day better. Those five people know more about me than my best friends do, those 5 people are good listeners, they make me realize that even though my life sucks sometimes i always will have someone who genuinely cares. 

In a book i am reading right now, Sun Stand Still- its explains the power of a prayer. In the book Joshua, he asked God to stop the sun. I know that scientifically the sun doesn't move, and its practically impossible for it to stop rotation anyways. But with that God stopped the sun. The book inspires me to pray for the impossible. Not just everyday things, because God's got that covered- but for things that no one would ever dare pray for. So I'm steeping out of my normal shadow of prayer and am going to start praying for my mom, and for her sickness to be cured.. It seems impossible, but i have full faith in God that he will go to the extreme for me and help my mother.