I miss him a lot today.

Last night, i had a 3-8 shift at work and when i came home since i was exhausted from school and work, i came home and crashed. I woke up around 8:30 and ever since i've just felt drained. I'm not tired, but i dont have any motivation to do anything. I'm just in an annoyed mood and keep thinking about my dad.  When i got up i got my favorite fuzzy blanket and curled up on the couch and watched the last song.  That was a bad mistake.

The whole story of the movie revolves around the relationship of a man and his daughter.  And the dad ends up dying in the end. I think it hits me that he's really gone at the worst times.  It's my day off of school and work and now i feel like crap.  The plans i had for today; homework, clean, have sarah come over, and give dogs a bath have been scratched and now im following my new plans. 1. bum around my house in my pj's all day (it's already 1:30- so far so good) 2. complain about how cold it is (check) 3. sleep (check)

I hate days like this.  I can't find the strength to get motivated.  I just wanna see my dad.  I feel as if the death of him has hit me, but sometimes the pain gets back into my mind.

It's almost Thanksgiving.  Last night when i was going over cupcake plans for thanksgiving with my aunt, it hit me- oh yeahhh wait.  My dad will never spend a Thanksgiving with me again. And to be blunt; IT SUCKS. 

Why me?  I keep asking myself and a few others that ALL the time.  I always get the same responses; you'll never know, it's in  Gods hands.  Or something like that.  I get that but it still doesn't take the pain away. 

I want to know that things are going to be okay.  Even if a thousand people tell me they are, unless one of those people are my dad, than i'm not going to believe anyone. 

I just feel lost.  I feel like i don't even know who i am anymore.  When you loose your mom,dad, and grandma you not only loose people who you love you loose your identity. 

Everything about my identity is somehow related to my dad.  My name; my dad picked it after my aunt Betty. If it wasn't for him my name would be Marlise. My last name, Brendle- was his last name.  When i was born it was Hoffmanner, but it was changed to Brendle.  My friends call me Brendle because i tell them that i hate my real name, and i do.  Because it was my dads name for me.  Even at work, i ask them to call me Beth like my family does instead of Elizabeth.  It sounds stupid, i know- but Elizabeth was the name my dad picked out for me and i miss the way he used to say it.  I think that's why i prefer people calling me Carmen, Beth or Brendle- because those names weren't picked by my dad so they don't make me think of him. 

Earlier this week, i found out some things about my dad. Don't get me wrong, i'm so glad i found out and it makes me feel better knowing some things about him- but it hurts knowing that i had to hear it from my uncle instead of my dad.

I'm not really sure where my emotions are at today.  I can't get my dad out of my head and i keep seeing him in the hospital bed.  I just want today to be over, so i can continue on with my life.  I just really, miss my dad today.