I remember the past Christmas' with my family, they were always amazing. It's been a tradition in our family for as long as I can remember. Each one different, in its own ways. Christmas is more emotional for me than thanksgiving or most holidays, mostly because its something that I've never missed with my family. I've missed thanksgiving a few years back because my nephew, Noah and I had the swine flu, but never have I missed a Christmas with my family. It's not only a holiday where my family all gets together, but it's a religious holiday that your supposed to feel happy and grateful for the birth of Jesus Christ. This Christmas, it's different. Our Christmas was empty compared to most years. It was missing my dad, mom, grandma, sisters and my nieces and nephews. That's my whole "family, family" like my immediate. So then I feel bitter, were celebrating Christs birthday, where our family gets together but yet my family is no where to be found.
I know I have family who love me, but a mom, dad and siblings are different.
Not a lot of people know what's been going on with my mom and I, and I'm not to sure of it myself either. My moms been making some risky decisions that I don't agree with so a little over a month ago, I told her to stop calling me, that I didn't want her in my life right now because she was causing me too much stress. She didn't listen and over the last weeks has called me, leaving me messages about how I'm a horrible daughter for not answering the phone, and how maybe if I had more respect for her, she wouldn't had walked out on my dad and I. It sucks knowing that's how he feels. Every person I care about can tell me that she's just wrong, but it still hurts-because she's mom and she's supposed to be there for me. Today's Christmas, she hasn't called today. Today is one of those days where I actually WANT her to call.... And I would answer. Of all days, she's not gonna call today. I want to call her up so bad but I'm afraid of what kind of stuff she's going to say this time.
Today was supposed to be a good day, I thought the worst was over, but little did i know the worst was yet to come.
I woke up looking outside and seeing the snow. I just started crying because to me, that was my dad saying hello. He always complained if there wasn't snow for Christmas, and I thought of that over the past few weeks, I wasn't crying tears of sadness this morning, they are tears of sheer joy.
I miss them a lot, it's indescribable. The feeling of sadness comes and goes quit often. The feeling of loneliness comes also. They suck.
But today- I was getting ready to drive 2 hours to my grandparents, to spend a few days with them. They live on a lake so it's a normal thing for me to bring a fishing pole and tackle box with me. This year, for Christmas, one of my cousins bought me a new fishing pole; and ugly stick (the brand lol) the fishing pole itself breaks into two parts, making it capable to bring to college with me. Now most people who don't me too well don't know that I a girl who would prefer to be fishing than getting my nails or hair done. It's my escape. It's the place my dad and I found happiness when our world was filled with overwhelming sadness. It's a time that I feel close with my dad. So getting a fishing pole for Christmas is one of the best things I've ever received for a gift.
When I was setting the pole up, I realized I needed to get some hooks and sinkers to bring so I went out to our shed in our backyard where I keep some of my dads fishing stuff, and I went to look for some of his sinkers. I found the bucket he always brought with us when we went, an moved the fishing poles to the side so I could see if there were any sinkers laying at the bottom- but instead I saw a box of hot tomales. Those were my dads favorite things in the world. I instantly started laughing, but with the laughs came tears and I was just sitting on the ground with them in my hand crying but laughing hysterically at the same time. It felt good, and I needed that time.
There comes a time, where your bad days can't seem to possibly get any worse, and you just want the world to pause for a few seconds so you can take a breath. But they're are also days that you try to emotionally prepare yourself for.... And it doesn't work. I've learned that happens a lot when your grieving. Some days are good, some are bad but over time you start having more good days.
Today turned from bad, to me feeling better about Christmas. It's not over yet, I'm just now leaving for my grandparents, but I know my dads guiding us there making sure the roads where were driving our safe.
I love and miss my dad and my grandma. It will never be the same without them, but I'm glad that they aren't hurting anymore.. As for my mom, I'm not going to worry about her. She's never cared for me much before, so I don't need her to make it through the day- I have other people, people who never left and care about me, people who understand today my heads spinning and people no matter how much I mess up, are still there.
To those people; Merry Christmas❤.
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