Freedom- at last.

Its so odd, how things can just pop up in your head and totally distract you. I've been doing geometry homework all morning, trying to get it done before it's due tomorrow at Crusader day, when all of a sudden out of now where my mom popped up in my mind. I haven't  thought about her in a while and it was just odd. I was thinking about a few years ago when she was attending a college in Kalamazoo and when my dad and i went and picked her up to bring her home, because she was having kidney or liver failure, i don't remember what it was. But that day when we went to pick her up- i was happy. I was happy to know that my mom felt happy, i was proud to say that she was actually going to college to try to achieve her dreams, I was ecstatic that she had quit smoking, i was happy to know that my mom did exist. Those days are going to be what i try to remember about her, because those are the only good time's i really had with her. I have to admit- i miss her. I miss in odd ways. I miss her in the fact that i would talk to her on the phone for hours some nights and she just listened and never repeated most of it. I miss her how when she ever got extra money she would try to buy me new things for school or just cause she thought i would like it. I miss how i used to go to work with her and watch her take care of an old elderly person wishing that she would care for me like that. I miss how most of the time if i needed to go someplace she would let my dad take me. I miss her. I never thought after all of this, that i would. It's hard to miss someone after all the crazy crap she has done. Even though we will no longer have a relationship i am going to continue praying for her.  Praying for her to get well- and realize hopefully that she misses me too. Maybe this whole custody thing isn't  so bad; she's gonna realize whether or not she really loves me; whether it was me or her, who screwed up. Hopefully through all of this she realizes that she was the one who screwed up when she told me she hated me or wished i was never born. Hopefully she is the one who gets her life back on track before i graduate; so i can consider inviting her to my graduation. What ever happens happens. Life's to short to worry about the what ifs because if we consume ourselves with the what ifs and if i only had that or did that; than we aren't going to appreciate what He gave us. So from now on, I'm going to keep my head up and smile, I'm not going to cry or feel hurt or mad at her. I'm going to write it out; like i used to. To me, my freedom is in poetry, I've lost that this summer. I haven't written one poem, i haven't even thought about it unfortunately. But when school starts I'm going to start writing again... because that's where i find my true happiness. When i write i feel like no matter who's reading it doesn't matter whether they like it or not, because it's just words. But when i read it- i feel like i can express how i truly see life. How i feel when things get rough. What i see when the world is at war. Simple things that i write make me feel accomplished. So i am going to go finish this homework and start writing poetry, and i will upload my poems once they are finished (:  So  if any one's really reading this pray for me, pray that i find strength in this freedom to do good.