I hate going to bed. Hate it. Because unless I'm exhausted, it takes me a while to actually fall asleep. So during that time I either read which only takes my mind of things for a little while, or I lay there and think. It really isn't something I've thought much about until tonight. I think I've spent a good 3 hours in my room today without saying a word. Granted, I was trying to rest for most of that time, but I didn't say a word. In the mornings, I wake up, and until I'm with my friends at school, I don't talk. That's about an hour and a half. But oddly, it makes me so relaxed.
Today at church, was one of those days where you can't help but want to replay it over and over again in your head. It was amazing. I got to church early as usual, and was surprised to see my friend Ian there earlier than normal.
Ian called me Saturday night at 2:30 am. Of course I was sleeping but when I got up In the middle of the night to use the bathroom I saw it and was freaking out so I called him back a few times but he didn't answer. So I texted him saying I was awake but I wasn't sure how much longer I would be. He ended up texting me back about 15 minutes later but I had already fallen back asleep. Ian was at a party that he didn't want to be at. For most people who don't know Ian, they know that he and I are spitting images with our morals. It's nice to be able to openly talk with someone who I'm so close to about them. He called me because he was stressed out. Ian doesn't put himself I those types of predicaments because he feels uncomfortable so when he told me he was going to a party, I didn't think anything of it because he wouldn't go if it's not something he approved in. He went not knowing all that would happen. Just like the typical college party there's stupid decisions being made. He texted me a really long story throughout the night. He felt 100% uncomfortable but he didn't just want to leave and be the laughing stock of the night, he wanted for stay there- sober. And thankfully he did that.
We talked about the party for about 45 minutes. He expressed how he was worried this meant every time they hung out this would be the end result. He wanted to talk to his friends about it it was nervous. After talking with him it just made me so much more thankful for him; and all of his morals. If he didn't have then then instead of a call at 2:30 am for someone to confide in, he could be calling me at 2:30am drunk.
During the church service, we were singing a song that I really liked. It was really quiet and then a few minutes late, Ian's mom came into the service. Seeing her always puts me in a really good mood. We were at the chorus of the song and just like normal, his moms voice was overpowering everyone else's in the room. It makes me smile thinking about it, because she will even admit she's tone deaf. Ian and his family are from the Philippians.. His mom was born there and still has an accent from there. She was actually a doctor there. I'm not sure when she came to America, but I know it wasn't losing before she met Ian's father, who is in the military. Long story short, 18 years ago he was born and 3 years later his younger brother Noa was born. One of the things I love most about his mom, is that she goes back to the Philippians on a regular basis and does volunteer work. It takes her away from her family for a while, but it's cool to hear the stories. For the past few years, she's been considering adopting 2 of her family members. A niece, and nephew I believe they are both around 6-9years old. Her family isn't able to provide much care for them, so she's been trying to bring them to America to provide a better life for them. It's perfect timing too- Ian commutes right now, but after his second year at Wayne he's transferring to U of M so he'll be living on Campus. In one way it's awesome because him moving away from home will open up more space for the kids, but in another; it means he's leaving soon.
I started this blog wanting to write about church, and now it's almost 1 am and I'm still not tired. So, church this week. Powerful, simply powerful.
I've been so busy with school, work, family and just normal teenage stuff that i haven't taken the time to look at my relationship with God. But very few people know that. Because i wear a mask when I'm in front of majority of people.
That's what we learned about at church this week. Masks. We all wear masks, at various times and they appear in various forms, but we all wear them whether we know it or not. The mask I'm most familiar with is the one i wear when people ask me how I'm doing. Because most of the time i say I'm good, okay or tired. But I'm not. I'm exhausted, sad, and stressed. I wear a mask at work, i don't want people to know about my life so i wear a mask. When i go to church, i wear a mask. I hate to admit it, but i do. I sing the songs, i bow my head in prayer, i try to gain something from my pastors sermon, but really the relationship i once had with God. The one that would get me through anything. Over the weekend, i went to my dashboard of my blog and went to my stats. They show me how many daily looks at my blog i get,and the most popular blogs. Lately, people have been going back and looking at my blogs from 2011 and early 2012. I saw some titles i don't even remember reading and i re-read them. I'm amazed at how in love with God i really was. And that- was real. There was no mask. Now, the mask is a permanent thing keeping me from loosing all the sanity i have left.
Church just really hit me this week. Because EVERYONE wears these masks. Even my pastor. I took notes on my phone during the service and some of the things i wrote down were; Instead of being perfect, you need to be willing to be you; who you were made to be. Choosing to be real rather than be liked.
He went over the meaning of authenticity; the practice of letting go of who we think we should be in order to embrace who we actually are. We learned that be authentic would be one of the most courageous battles we will have to face. It takes courage to break away and to take a risk of something you may fail at. It takes courage to ask for help.
My pastor then began talking about the excuses; " If you only knew the things that have been done to me..." "If you only knew the things I've done...." "If you only knew what i think about"
That made me think of myself. For a long time i was afraid that i wasn't good enough because of m depression. Because i had thoughts of suicide many time in my life, and because sometimes i was just sad- with no apparent reason.
He said something... my pastor... that changed everything.
"Jesus knows"
Psalm 139: 1-4
You have searched me, Lord,
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you, Lord, know it completely.
I highlighted the part that makes complete sense to me. God KNOWS every thought I've ever had. He knows everything about me, and I've know that for a really long time. But i never understood it like i do now. God has dug deep inside of me since i was in my own mothers womb. And he STILL loves me anyways. Still. With every mistake, thought, every bad decision he knows. There's nothing i can hide from him and although at one end of that it makes me happy because i don't feel like I'm hiding from him, the other part of me is confused and scared.
I really needed this message. Because so often i put on this mask to hide who i am. I put this mask on to where people i talk to, work with and spend time with would have no idea i suffer with depression.
Behind every perfect mask, is a perfectly messed up life- and messes, are Gods specialty.It's OKAY to not be okay. The best impression you can make is to just be you. Some wear these masks to make themselves seem better than they are, and to feel loved and cared for- and although it feels good to have that security, if we depend on that- we are setting ourselves up for failure.
I, in no way shape or form cannot explain the message the way my pastor did, and I'm not even sure if it make sense to the people who are reading it, but it makes sense to me. Complete sense. And it makes me feel happy.
I wasn't expecting this month to be this way. To find happiness. I thought it would just be a big mess that i would try to hide from. Besides a little unnecessary drama, it's been a really good month so far, and this Thursday, I'm leaving after school to go to an overnight college visit at Spring Arbor University. I'm really excited too! The more i look at all of what SAU has to offer, the more i fall in love with it.
I just wanted to share this too. My depression is something that I've had my ups and downs with. But looking at the good moments in the past few months, i've never been so happy because i'm still here to experience them. "Sarah Day" was a huge success, and as Abby recovers and i see the stress being lifted off of Sarah, and as Dwaynes leg starts to heal, and as our junior year comes to a close and we make plans to go on trips, and plans to spend unlimited time together, and i make more and more time with Ian- it's just a reassurance that every things okay. I'm GLAD to be here and witness these many mild stones with my friends. Like i told Sarah after spring break. I'm SO thankful for Kayla calling the cops on that night because i have NO idea what would have happened. Instead- i'm here enjoying this suckish time on earth.
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